Just to give a little backround...I have had nothing but grief from Future mother in law. After my shower and the rudeness and grief that was dealt to me and my mom is a whole other issue. Well, now is the time to plan rehersal dinner. FH made the mistake of asking her if she was paying for it. She said ,'yes that is her thing.' When I saw her a month ago she asked me the date and time of the rehersal. Never asked me anything else. She asked my FH about a certain restaurant and we agreed. Me and FH went last week to find out info since we are behind with the planning of it and she hasnt done anything. We booked it for next month and got a menu sample with prices. He showed it to her and to my surprise today when we were going to the restaurant to pick the menu he called her and she said she already picked the menu. She picked a chicken, salmon and steak. Well, I wanted a pasta choice to be one of the choices since that is one of my favorites at this restaurant and she had a tantrum to FH on phone and they got off the phone. I am TIRED of it being about what she wants. I have no relationship with her or her daughter and even asked her daughter to be in the wedding and after accepting and trying to have a relationship with her, she told me to screw myself a month ago after the shower because I complained to her about the way her family was to me at my shower, including her. Thats what I get for asking her. They have caused so much grief for us. We have been fighting about it constantly. I really needed to vent big time. I know everybody can understand to a point. As far as FH, I think he is afraid of her. How do I deal with this anger inside of me??? I am trying so so hard. I dont wish this for any of you. Thanks as always for listening.
Laura
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
The one thing I learned is that it is still my DH family-- always keep that in mind but for your sanity--keep talking --dont hold this in because planning the wedding is just the beginning --at some point you might be planning a family-- How does yor FI react to all that is going on? Part of your relationship with him might be the 1st time that he is dealing with his family and the problems they cause-- I went thru a lot of this and the one piece of advice I listened to that no matter what SHE is still his mother--it does not mean that she has to rule your life(she shouldnt even come close) but the 2 of you together have to come up with what works--My DH has changed so much in the past few years and we have def grown from it but a week doesnt go by where there isnt another struggle-- Now is just harder for you because plannign a wedding is stressful enough I will stop babbling but feel free to keep venting laura
Cindy
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Thank you Laura for listening and taking the time to respond. Just alot of negativity I have to deal with from them. They thrive from it!
lilmrs
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KimmieG
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
HI there,
I have some what of an idea of what you are going through. Me and my future mother-in-law butt heads on everything. She wants no part in the wedding, and at this point i am glad. My mother and i are having the rehersal dinner the way we want it, and she has no say in it. Me and my FI fight about it as well. we have learned to realize that we cant let it ruin our relationship because she will never change. It's hard to deal with. The best way for me is to not talk about my plans with her and then she cant ruin our big day. I also have so much anger inside of me, and I just have to say to myself, she isnt worth my stress. You are going tyo marry the man of your dreams and no one should make that stressful for you. I think the best way you can lose your anger is to show everyone how much you guys are in love. and try not to fight with your FI about it, its like a arguement that never ends!! i hope all woorks out. and i hope i made sense!
Cindy
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Kimmie, Boy, you seem to understand what I am going through. I wish we could just do the rehersal ourselves. She has chosen to not be part of ANYTHING accept where it benefits her. Thank you for your support. It is appreciated.
Marnles
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
I'm so sorry for your troubles...I really have no advice for you, but to 'kill 'em with kindness'. Some people thrive off of making others miserable. As soon as they see it isn't affecting you, many times it changes, because they're not getting what they want (it's kind of like the school bully). I know that sounds crazy - it feels crazy even typing it - but it is a fact. Venting is worth it - because unfortunately she may never change and you seriously need an outlet. If your FH is afraid of his mother (not uncommon), it's just really important for your relationship that he stands by your side, although unfortunately he's probably walking on eggshells around her.
I'm not a fan of my FFIL - but luckily we don't see him that often, and he really has nothing to say about the wedding (which upsets me). But when we do have to see him, I just try my hardest to keep a smile on my face, yes him to death, and watch the paint dry on the walls until it's time to leave.
During the wedding planning, continue to remind yourself about the happy day to come, and the happy life to follow. You are marrying HIM, not her, and although you will have to deal with her, it will become somewhat easier once the planning and stress is over. I'm sure I wasn't much of a help here, but try to keep your chin up. Perhaps you can call the restaurant and ask if pasta is possible in addition to what your FMIL chose...the best of luck to you...
KimmieG
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
well said Marnles!!!
jennbaby
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
my fmil doesn't ask a word about anything unless i bring it up. i see her maybe once a month. i wish she'd call and be more into my planning but she doesn't even know if i exist sometimes. me & FH fight over this alot, he says she's just this way. (i sometimes think she don't like me but when we are together she's great) just concentrate on you & FH and your plans & good luck! don't stress & let whatever they say go in one ear and out the other, you are marrying him, not them.
jenny11.9
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Here's my trick to a stress-free in law situation. I picture them in animation! This sounds nuts. But believe me - if you view them in your minds eye as characters , their shortcomings become hilarious. Now this is a few years therapy so I cannot guarantee full success. But give it a try. Allow yourselff to laugh at their antics!
Cindy
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Jenny, Thanks and I will try. I am up for anything.
lilmrs
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Cindy
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Debbie, I cant stand the suspence.
RichsBride
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
I'll try to make this short.......my Fi is divorced(7years), my FMIL lives in Fla & is in her 70's(I really do love her)The day I took her & MY MOM(I'm an only child & never have been married) to see my dress, FMIL decided to tell me & Mom about my FI's ex-wife's bridal shower, and how they had a special cake made in Brooklyn & the name of her china pattern & the special appliquaes(sp)on her dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mind you, FMIL HATES ex-wife!! My mother & I sat there in complete disbelief, in a nutshell I just think some people don't think before they act or speak, and I don't think they realize how hurtful they are. We are bound to these women through our Fi's, so you have to try to let things go! Sorry that was long:)
NuBride
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MARNLES, GREAT Advice and Cindy
Please take this advice from a married woman. NO matter what it is his MOTHER..I don't know what it is with some men and their loyalty that they have towards their mother and they could've had the worse childhood but it's their Mother. I have a good relationship with my MIL but I recently learned that if something peeves you about her DO NOT vent to your hubby..no matter what...stew in it or drop it here. Things have a way of coming back to you and biting you on the $ss! Be calm, this is only the begining of the wonderful, wonderful things she will do to piss you off. Do not fight with FI about it, I bet half of your fights are because or about other people. Good luck and remember tried and keep if tight lipped!
michele31
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Re: MARNLES, GREAT Advice and Cindy
Well Cindy you know how I feel about this but I want to show you support in this thread as well. This women is mean, it is plain and simple. She is a sad, mean, unhappy person who enjoys hurting you and your relationship with her son. She would do this to any women he was going to marry. Why? Because she wants to be the center of her children's world. She is full of self-hate, self-doubt and in essence, is a totally bully. Your FH needs to be on your side when it comes to this women. Yes, she is his mother and you need to respect that, but you are not his PROM date! You are going to be his wife. As the bible reading says, 'The man leaves his mother!', it doesn't say, 'The man's mother interfere's with her son's marriage'. Cancel the RD and replan it your own way. Tell her yourself that while you apprecaite her offer to pay and plan the RD, this is something that you want to be involved in and if she cannot respect that they you respectfully decline her offer. Be nice, but be strong! She is not the lady of your house- you are. This is your wedding, not her show! We are always here to listen and support you! (I can call her if you want
jpsgirl
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Re: Grief again from future inlaws..HELP!!! LONG
Not to be a total bummer or elicit any sympathy - but in case this somehow makes those with mean FMIL's feel better - mine is an angel, she is a little wacky, but she loves me - also she has no clue at all about weddings and is not giving us any money bc she has none (she lives in Canada). However, my real mom could care less about my wedding - I have tried so hard to get her involved and there is just no interest - she has not one positive thing to say to me, she is terribly mean (has been always), with three months to go she has yet to ask me even how I'm doing --- my point, hey, at least it's not your real mom giving you all this grief!! Also, thanks for helping me realize how lucky I am that my FMIL actually likes me! Good luck!
