Guess what I found in DH's car

mishandgerard Posted: Jul 15, 2003 03:44 PM

Guess what I found in DH's car

I took his car to the interview and on the door there is a small pocket...well there were cigarrette ashes in it. I was ****ed because the Dr. told him he had to quit...and he did. He has not smoked in years. then I noiced at partys that he was lighting up...but he did that sometime. Recently I noticed gumin his car-he does ot like gum. I confronted him when I got home and he said yay I have been a little. So, I said that we decided when we were first seeing each other that we can discuss anything. Well, the fact that I found it myself ****ed me off. If he woul have just said 'Honey I have been so stressed lately that I have started to smoke a little', that would have made a world of defference. Now I feel as though my trust with him has been compromissed.

This really $ucks. My jaw still hurts from the surgery and now this. I am crying right now. The dr. told him to stop because he thinks it will kill him. DH is not a small man and I am so wooried

JuneBabyBride Posted: Jul 15, 2003 03:48 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I'm sorry he didn't tell you but, and I am not saying it is a good excuse, maybe he just didn't want to upset you!!

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 15, 2003 03:49 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I'm so sorry that this is happening, and I can relate. JT smokes, not alot, but he does, and although his doctor has not said anything to him (which I think is nuts), his mother had throat cancer from smoking and she was lucky enough to survive. He didn't start to smoke until he already knew she had cancer, and I can't understand that. It's a very sore topic between the two of us and he has cut back to the point where he is almost not smoking at all, but it still ****es me off. To add to this, his mother, who has a second chance on life, STILL SMOKES. She's a chimney, and then she wondered how in the world they could have found another tumor in her mouth. GEE, I WONDER???? So, in sum, I am very sorry that you have to deal with a smoking DH and that you had to find out that way. for you.

michele31 Posted: Jul 15, 2003 03:54 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I am not sure what to tell you . I am one of the most anti-smokers around. I would have flipped out, especially after a doctor told him to stop. i would call his doctor and report this asap, he may need more help quiting. also lighting up occassionally is not okay. an addiction is an addiction.

mishandgerard Posted: Jul 15, 2003 03:58 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

michel31 i agree. I tried to be civil and discuss it, but he does not think he compromissed my trust with him.

Lunatrek Posted: Jul 15, 2003 04:07 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

Anything one of you does behind the other's back is compromising trust. I'm very sorry that you are going through this, but people make mistakes! I'm sure that you can talk it out and get past it... you both love each other very much, and concern for each other's welfare is the basis behind these types of things. It will get better! I quit for my FH, because it was so important to him... I don't doubt that your DH will do the same for you. Lots of to you!!

jenny2penny Posted: Jul 15, 2003 04:08 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

try to be supportive and ask him why he is doing this, and what can you do to help him. Last thing he needs is a mother & nag. I am sure he worries about his health, but sometimes they can be so stubborn!

firegal Posted: Jul 15, 2003 04:23 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

OMG, this is like deja vu. My FH smoked a lot when we met and I 'socially' smoked. We agreed that we would both quit and he was smoke free for 10 months (He's also a fireman and breathes in enough smoke so I was very concerned for his health). Anyway, after about 11 months, I started picking up the small clues too (he would always be chewing gum and he smelled of cigarettes a little). He kept denying everything saying that other guys at the firehouse smoke and it was from them until the day I asked to smell is fingers. Could you believe he still denied it after I smelled his fingers and they reeked of cigarettes. I totally flew off the handle (not only for his smoking, but mostly for his lying). He told me that he lied because he didnt' want me to be disappointed in him, but needless to say, I still felt totally betrayed. It is now 2 years later and he still smokes every now and then even though he still says that 'he's trying'. My mother tried to console me by saying that cigarettes, like any addiction, are hard to quit and that he may fall off the wagon several times before he's totally ready.
I know you're upset but try calmly talking to him. Tell him that you love him and are VERY worried about his health. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him (like buy him hard candy or the new 'Smoke Away' pills, etc.). Let him know that you are there for him all the way and that you understand that it is hard for him but that you love him very much and want him to be with you for a very long time.

jennbaby Posted: Jul 15, 2003 05:05 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

When you smoke & try to quit, its sooo hard, and when you do quit & get stresses, no matter how long after, the first thing that comes to mind, is a cigarette.

Tell him to get the Nicotrol Inhaler. It has the least bit of nicotine in it & when he gets a craving, it looks like a cigarette & you hold it like one too.

This will help him de stress.

acp1101 Posted: Jul 15, 2003 05:12 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

My dad smoked 3 to 4 packs a day for 55+ years...litterally

It's a very HARD addition...and even harder to quit.

Try to support him and not add on to the stressfor him...OR yourself...He'll eventually kick the habit.

Claud2001 Posted: Jul 15, 2003 06:44 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

Flipping out on someone and tattling to their doctor will only stress them out MORE and make them turn toward their addiction for comfort. It is okay to be upset that he did it and wasn't honest w/you. But, try to be supportive to him first and foremost. He is not a child, so you should not treat him like one.

mishandgerard Posted: Jul 15, 2003 06:58 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I do not plan on calling his dr. nor do I plan on treating him like a child. This was very upsetting to me and he knows that I am not fond of smoking and its not good for you. I just would rather find out fro him, not from the clues he left behind.

jennbaby Posted: Jul 15, 2003 07:54 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I hope all works out Mish.

Have a talk with him & tell him your feelings & Good Luck

yabbobay Posted: Jul 15, 2003 08:14 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

for hiding it on you...

but i do agree...try not to flip out...nicotine is more addicting than heroine!!

DH uncle's doctor told him to cut the cigarettes down to no more than 3 a day (after he - a skinny man who doesn't eat bad food at all- had a heart attack)

so maybe give him that piece and see if he can cut it down to that...then all the way...

and the baby issue...are you guys planning a family...DH promised me he would quit completely (he is well under 10 a day) the minute we started TTC

Imagin916 Posted: Jul 15, 2003 08:54 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I am a smoker (am going to quit soon), and FH hates it to no end. I do not smoke that much in front of him, but as soon as he leaves its like I want a cigarette more than usual. I was also told by my doctor that I will have a heart attack at 40 if I dont quit, but that is not enough to make a smoker quit. Yelling at him will not make him quit. Trust me, I have been down that road, and it makes me want to smoke more. When he *****es its like in one ear and out the other, but when I told him what the doctor told me about my smoking and I am at high risk for heart disease at an early age, he said 'I dont want you to leave me with our little kids when your 40'. I started to cry it broke my heart. Try that approach, because the yelling thing wont work. I am not saying you are wrong for being angry at his smoking, but the way you approach him makes a big difference.

mishandgerard Posted: Jul 15, 2003 09:07 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

we did not yell. I did tell him that I fear that he will not be around to raise our kids. That scares me.

ChristineC68 Posted: Jul 15, 2003 09:14 PM

Re: Guess what I found in DH's car

I am glad you were able to talk to him calmly. It's such a tough issue. I hope he's able to quit soon and I am sure he will when he's ready

I like Erica's idea about cutting down to a small number of cigarettes a day - it would prevent him from sneaking and hiding it from you.

Good luck

Erica - I had no idea nicotine was more addicting then heroine