Guest by Proxy
From an interesting advice site I found.........
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Dear Elise,
I'm getting married in two months. One of my closest friends just sent me an e-mail letting me know that she isn't going to be able to make it because her job will be taking her out of town the weekend I'm getting married. She went on to say that she is sending her girlfriend in her place to represent them both.
Let me be clear: her girlfriend was invited to the wedding as my friend's guest, but doesn't sending your guest when you can't come seem weird to you? What makes it uncomfortable is that I don't know this friend well. I've only met her once briefly and she has a reputation for being annoying. I would have to sit her next to the few people she has met before, and I happen to know that have some problems with her. They get along but I know they don't want to be responsible for her all night. I just feel like this is a major breech in etiquette and I'm not sure if I should tell her that I'm not cool with it or not.
What do you think?
- No Proxies
Dear No Proxies,
I scarcely know where to begin. One wonders what happened to your friend. This is a situation where etiquette and common sense should dovetail quite nicely.
That happy convergence is being ignored, and your letter prompts a flood of unanswerable questions. Why would your friend send her friend solo to a wedding where she wouldn't know anyone, least of all the bride and groom? Why would she think this plan would make you happy? Why would the proxy even want to attend? If manners and reason direct people towards states of greater comfort, why would your friend and her friend opt for a situation where everyone is uncomfortable?
I could keep on going, but that would get us nowhere. Perhaps the best route to take is a direct one. Did you formally invite the Proxy Guest? If so, it would be difficult to actively dis-invite her, but maybe you can give her an 'out.' Speak to your friend. Tell her you are sorry she can't make it and that you understand entirely, but indicate that she doesn't need to send a proxy. If you are indeed very close friends, you can even be frank about your worries that you don't really know this woman and you are afraid she will find herself all alone with no one to talk to. No matter what happens, know that you will not have to be responsible for the Threatened Proxy at your wedding. Your obligations will be so many and varied that babysitting will be out of the question.
Most wedding invitations are not open and do not encourage substitutions. This is reasonably common knowledge. I suspect, at the bottom of this, is that your friend is not thinking. Lay it on the line with her and see what happens. She very well may have come up with the whole proxy idea out of guilt for not being able to be at your wedding. Perhaps if you give her your blessing, she won't feel the need to fob off her friend on you.
Congratulations,
Elise
*I wonder how often this occurs?
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Dear Elise,
I'm getting married in two months. One of my closest friends just sent me an e-mail letting me know that she isn't going to be able to make it because her job will be taking her out of town the weekend I'm getting married. She went on to say that she is sending her girlfriend in her place to represent them both.
Let me be clear: her girlfriend was invited to the wedding as my friend's guest, but doesn't sending your guest when you can't come seem weird to you? What makes it uncomfortable is that I don't know this friend well. I've only met her once briefly and she has a reputation for being annoying. I would have to sit her next to the few people she has met before, and I happen to know that have some problems with her. They get along but I know they don't want to be responsible for her all night. I just feel like this is a major breech in etiquette and I'm not sure if I should tell her that I'm not cool with it or not.
What do you think?
- No Proxies
Dear No Proxies,
I scarcely know where to begin. One wonders what happened to your friend. This is a situation where etiquette and common sense should dovetail quite nicely.
That happy convergence is being ignored, and your letter prompts a flood of unanswerable questions. Why would your friend send her friend solo to a wedding where she wouldn't know anyone, least of all the bride and groom? Why would she think this plan would make you happy? Why would the proxy even want to attend? If manners and reason direct people towards states of greater comfort, why would your friend and her friend opt for a situation where everyone is uncomfortable?
I could keep on going, but that would get us nowhere. Perhaps the best route to take is a direct one. Did you formally invite the Proxy Guest? If so, it would be difficult to actively dis-invite her, but maybe you can give her an 'out.' Speak to your friend. Tell her you are sorry she can't make it and that you understand entirely, but indicate that she doesn't need to send a proxy. If you are indeed very close friends, you can even be frank about your worries that you don't really know this woman and you are afraid she will find herself all alone with no one to talk to. No matter what happens, know that you will not have to be responsible for the Threatened Proxy at your wedding. Your obligations will be so many and varied that babysitting will be out of the question.
Most wedding invitations are not open and do not encourage substitutions. This is reasonably common knowledge. I suspect, at the bottom of this, is that your friend is not thinking. Lay it on the line with her and see what happens. She very well may have come up with the whole proxy idea out of guilt for not being able to be at your wedding. Perhaps if you give her your blessing, she won't feel the need to fob off her friend on you.
Congratulations,
Elise
*I wonder how often this occurs?
