For the past few months, I have been having trouble with my mother when it comes to wedding planning. Basically, she has been mean & hurtful. Here is the background...
So, after my mother made it obvious that she wasn't interested in anything to do with a shower for me, my BP decided to throw me a small shower in NY next weekend. It'll be 15 people. In the past 24 hours, my mother has added 10 people to my shower. TEN PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW.
So I call her & ask her if these are people she intends to invite to the wedding & I remind her that we only have a budget for her to have 10 friends, she says 'I have the list for your wedding in front of me.' So I say 'how many ppl are on it.' She says she's 'cut the list to 26 and I'm not making any further cuts.' I reminded her about our budget, Her EXACT words were 'I don't know anything about your budget & personally, I don't care.'
Is she INSANE? She then goes on a rant about how she's afriad that when this wedding is over than I won't THANK HER for all she's done? Um, what have you done exactly? You said you'd pay for my gown & you didn't. You are adding ppl to the wedding. You yelled at my MOH.
What do I DO????? FH says not to panic that they JUST won't get invitations & that's that. But seriously... what would you do?
tricia3381
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Re: Guest List Drama
exactly what FH says, send 10 invitations and thats it.
Kara and Todd
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I'd be afraid she'd invite them by word of mouth or something. YIKES!! Do you think that would happen?
Seriously lay down the law - 'You're getting 10 invites and that's IT.' Sounds like FH is backing you up. You need to be FIRM with your mother and stand your ground. Be rude if it's the only way to get your point across, but get it across. SHE has NO say (NONE, ZERO, NADA!) in who is invited to your wedding. YOU are giving her X number of seats and that's it. The other people are NOT invited and will be asked to leave by the maitre'd if they show up.
Period. End of story. If she wants to complain, tell her to complain to someone else. That's the way it's going to be and that is FINAL.
MJDoc12
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Re: Guest List Drama
i'm so sorry...i've been following your drama with your mom.
i agree with another poster...you give her 10 invites and that's it. let her know that if she continues her behavior...she will be NO INVITATIONS to send. sadly, sometimes you just have be firm and mean to get things across. unfortunately you mom seems to be the kind that only will respond to that.
i hope you can make it work!
MichLiz213
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Completely agree. It may be hard, but you need to show your mom that this is YOUR wedding and she needs to stop treating you this way.
cindyandkevin
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Your FH is right. Who's sending out the invitations? Who's paying for the wedding?
You and FH will send them to 10 people on her list and the rest won't make the cut, simple as that. No reason to explain yourself again, she has to understand the restraints of your budget.
carolinebr
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Re: Guest List Drama
Posted by Kara and Todd
I'd be afraid she'd invite them by word of mouth or something. YIKES!! Do you think that would happen?
Yes, I DO think she would do that. I even SAID to her 'stop telling all your friends about the wedding; you are only going to embarrass yourself when they don't get invited.' She told me that they WILL get invited. She is torturing me!!!
Honestly, I truly think she's pissed off that I got pregnant and this is her way of taking it out on me. My sister says she isn't that creative. She says that my mother thinks its her wedding.
i thought she didnty want anything to do with it? you do what you want its your day hun!
jax1023
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Re: Guest List Drama
Tell her what I told my FMIL- she can invite the entire universe if she wants, but shes paying for everyone over X amt of people you originally agreed on.
JeanetteandSteve
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you poor thing!! but what you said about her being the one who will be embarrassed is true. you invite the people you want to/can. i know it's not easy to deal with her, but at this point i think you're a saint for even allowing those 10 friends.
try not to let her get to you. i read what she said about why you shouldn't have a baby shower and i almost fell out of my chair. i know she's your mom, but she doesn't sound like she knows how to be a very good one. if she's not going to respect you, it's hard to respect her. you shouldn't have to put up with what she's putting you through, and if she cared about you as much as she SHOULD, she'd realize that.
you seem like a very nice person. try not to let it get to you, and do what YOU want. it's your day, not hers. you might do well reminding her of that. i hope you cheer up!!!
DiamondBride
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Re: Guest List Drama
First thing, take a deep breath. Your mom sounds like she is really going to be testing your nerves. Like your FH says, don't send out more invitations than you want..Honestly if I didn't get an invitation, something tangible, then I wouldn't go to anyone's wedding. I don't care if they told me it got lost in the mail. It's just absolutely tacky and your mom's friends should now that too. Good luck..
queenb07
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Re: Guest List Drama
I'm so sorry you're going through this That's awful what she's doing to you, especially since you're caring for two and planning a wedding. I agree with everyone else--stand firm on the 10 invitations. You may even want to go so far as to ask her for the addresses and send them to the 10 ppl so she can't try to go around you (although I do worry about the word of mouth too but I would hope some of these people would feel uncomfortable going to a wedding w/o a formal invitation). I thought my mom was being mean with wedding plans but she doesn't hold a candle to this. We're here for you.
Pencils
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Re: Guest List Drama
I read something like this on Etiquette Hell. Apparently the mom was given a limited number invites, but she wanted to invite quite a few more guests, so she photocopied the invite and gave it out to the other guests. What the bride and groom did was designate a couple of their large male friends as 'security ushers' to ask to see guests' invites at the door, and anyone with a photocopy was sent home. They told the mother that they were going to do this, and I don't think any of the photocopy guests actually showed up. I think they told the mother that they were only allowed so many guests due to fire codes and if the extra 20 or however many showed up, the reception could be shut down.
I read your earlier posts. I don't know what to tell you other than that your mom needs therapy, but you must know that. All you can do is tell her that she's allowed ten guests and that's it. That there is a seating plan, place cards, and only so many chairs, and that if they show up, they won't be seated or fed. You just don't have the money to pay for these people. Period. I hate to say this, but you might even have to disinvite your mother if things get really bad. That would be terrible, but at this point it sounds like she deserves it. Because YOU deserve a wonderful wedding day, and you won't get it if you're wondering what your mother is going to do.
Best of luck!
portjeffbride
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Re: Guest List Drama
tell her you are not in control of the guest list, that your friends are generously having this shower in your honor, and you're not even sure she's invited.
that ought to shut her up
dplehat
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Re: Guest List Drama
I don't have any help for the shower but I do for the wedding. Tell her that you had to change the time and location of the wedding. Send her an invite that says to be ready by a specific time for a car to pick her up. Then just bring her to the wedding. She can't invite people to a wedding she has no idea about. You need a time and a place to invite people to a wedding. Tell her she can have 10 guests or she can have none. If she says fine then I'm not coming or I will invite who I want then tell her you are sorry and she will be missed. With her guests give them a day and time and have someone call about the location the day before the wedding.
