Heather for SC Justice

Yes, I really mailed this w/a copy of my resume.

Supreme Court of the United States
One First Street N.E.
Washington, DC 20543

February 9, 2006

To Whom It May Concern:

Hi there. I am writing to you because I believe that I am an exceptional candidate for the position of Supreme Court Justice, and now Im going to tell you a few reasons why I believe that Id be a perfect replacement for one of your dead and/or retiring judges. I hope these positions havent been filled yet. Im not really very interested in politics, so I havent heard. I think that my lack of interest and knowledge in the political scene, or climate as you Washingtonites call it, actually makes me an even more brilliant candidate than even I had initially anticipated when I started writing this letter three minutes ago. How, you ask? Well, I will elucidate. Supreme Court Justices, ideally, are paragons of impartiality; likewise, in a perfect world, Justices would have no ties to either political party. Thus, by appointing me, a person not only completely lacking party ties, but also a person with out knowledge of anything remotely political, the result would be threefold. First, you will have filled one of your vacant positions. Second, you will be assured that I, as your newest Justice, will not be swayed by the sweet nothings of various politicians. Third, you will have helped take a step toward a more perfect world because I will be the first Judge, and perhaps the first person, in the history of the Supreme Court who really doesnt care about politics or, for that matter, American History. But this is neither here nor there.

Let me tell you a little bit more about myself, and my employment and educational experiences. Ive received my Bachelor of Arts degree in English Literature and Art History and Criticism. Im not sure why Ive even included this information because you and I both know that these are completely useless majors, and I may as well have gone to school for interpretive dance. Additionally, I have continued the cycle of gobbledygook and gone on to pursue my Master of Arts in Literature. I believe that my knowledge of books, specifically Shakespeare and Native American Literature will be of great aid when I am appointed to the Supreme Court. Shakespeare often wore a frilly collar, much like the collar Ive so often seen Sandra Day OConnor wear in photos; Im fully prepared to wear this collar, although I might put a nice brooch or something at the top just to make it look a little less bland. My studies in the realm of Native America will also ease my transition into my new position, although Im not quite sure how, but it will probably have something to do with casinos. For the past twelve years I have worked in a medical office, and I believe that my experiences will serve me well in Washington. First, I know all kinds of great first aid tricks that Id be more than willing to use on my fellow Justices if they get a cut or the sniffles. Second, sometimes I bring in snacks to work for everyone to enjoy, and Id continue with this practice if I was hired as a SC Justice (Im going to start abbreviating Supreme Court as SC because Im just a little tired of typing it out every single time. You might want to think of a catchy one syllable nickname for the SC. Ill get on that. It could be my first assignment as Justice, but you can get back to me on that.) The bottom line is, everyone loves snacks, and Id bring in cookies, crackers, chips, and an assortment of other items. Third, Im a very stylish dresser. You may not realize that this is important, but Ive seen countless photos of the SC Justices, and Ive never once noticed anything remotely appealing or stylish about any of your clothing items. I feel that as a result the youth of America have lost interest in the judicial branch of our government. I think my wardrobe, replete with boots, colored heels, and stylish designer bags, will re-invite American youth into learning and experiencing the ins and outs of the SC. You must ask yourself, if pictures speak louder than words, what, exactly, are you hoping to accomplish with all of the photographs of you guys in those drab robes? Nothing, I tell you, except alienating our trend-conscious youth. Also, Im not sure if this is of importance to you or not, but I can type 80 wpm and I also have a lovely soprano singing voice. Id be more than happy to sing you a ditty when we schedule our interview. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions; my information is listed on my resume, which is attached. Thanks, and have a great day.