ok i need advice. i'll try to keep this quick. I am 20. MY fiance is 32. My stepdad (who is really like my dad) is 38. He has a big... No, HUGE problem with this whole thing. He used to tell me Kevin (my FH) was using me for sex, That he didnt love me and no intention of ever really being with me, all that kind of good stuff. etc. anyway, so ya know that was back when i was 16, 17. NOW: sonce then I moved in with kevin. at this point in time me and my father had NO communication whatsoever. Sure, he knew i was living with him cuz of my mom. After a while he knew we were engaged. He knows this. NOW we actually talk and have an okay relationship. (OK, but not great) anyway, we do NOT ever mention Kevin EVER, (the poor guy can't come to any birthday parties, holidays, anything ) So, now the date of March 1st is creeping closer.... how should I tell my dad???! or what should i say?? im really nervous of his reaction. My mom said its the time now to have a talk with him but im really scared to! I really need advice! Please :)
JacnRob729
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
oh man.......if you cant say it out loud....why not write him a letter, and either read it to him face to face.....or have ihim read it while you are there......thats all i can think of sorry....but i think you do need to talk to him....best of luck
lolita4life
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i was thinking about writing a letter. damn, this is a *****! thanks
prncssrachel
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Ok, I'm going to be honest here and say that I can see where your step dad would be upset about the situation in the beginning, but obviously your FH and you are the real deal and serious, or else you wouldn't be getting married. I think that if you are adult enough to agree to marry your FH, then you need to have that same adult approach to dealing with your dad. 20 years old is still quite close to the time of you being a 'little girl' in your parents' eyes, and I found that it was about that point in my life that I really needed to make it PERFECTLY CLEAR to my parents that I was no longer their little girl. I was the one who had to draw that line, and I think you really need to do that and do it now. Your step dad WILL get over it when he sees you happily married and living your life. Make sure you tell him how important your relationship with him is and that it's important to you to keep that relationship going. By not talking to him about it, I think it sends the message that you are hiding something, and you sure as hell don't want him to think that. I don't know how much this helped, but I hope it works out for you. And I have to say this, my aunt, who is 48, is dating a man who is 73 and my grandfather, who is 75, was MORTIFIED at the age difference and it took him a couple of years to accept this man into the family, so the age difference can be an issue no matter how old you are. Luckily, my grandfather got over himself!
lolita4life
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first of all., i appreciate your honesty and oh yes, i can TOTALLY understand how the age os problem, i mean my FH IS closer to my dads age then mine, I was just hoping i guess by now hy dad would be starting to get over it. My dads a very stubborn person EXTREMELY stubborn, so i guess thats why we are where we are. but i dont know. youre right, about having to be an adult and talk to him. I just dont know the best way to approach it. when i fisrt moved in with my FH i wrote my dad a letter and it made things worse for some reason. WEll,. actually now thinking about it i was probably alittle b!tchy. (my dad was pretty 'abusive' after the whole 'kevin' ordeal was revieled.) anyway so i think i resent him for that and he resents kevin for taking his little girl away. i am the oldest, which im sure doesnt help. I know i'm going to do it, i just wanted to get everyones advice first. so far, id like to thank you guys for giving such wonderful adivce thus far.
prncssrachel
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
I hope I didn't offend you! It's a tough situation. Do you know why he's so upset? Is it only because of your FH's age? Because it that's all it is, I think you have quite a bit of ammunition going into a conversation with him. I mean, you can give him the old speech about giving him a chance. Just keep working on him. If your dad is really that important in your life, which I would assume he is, then don't let the issue drop. Don't give up if he gets mad or angry. Leave the resentment in the past and realize that parents have issues, as well, and sometimes they get carried over to their kids, so there may be more going on than you know about. Just be as calm and cool and collected as possible. Someone once said to me that family will assign roles to eachother and therefore, no matter what you do or say, you may be perceived as being one way even if you really are not that way. For example, when I was younger, my family labeled me the 'emotional, over-reactor', so even when I wasn't overreacting at all, they would tell me I was, so this person told me since I can't control what they think of me, I need to control my REACTION to them. Once you take yourself out of that assigned role, people won't know how to react. How does this apply to you? Your step dad is probably expecting you to act and react a certain way towards him and therefore you'll run in circles with him. Throw one at him and be the opposite of what he's expecting, he might actually pay attention. Good luck!!!!! Hope that made sense in a weird way!
February05
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
As with most things in life, it's really all in the approach. people who command respect usually receive respect from those around them. i think that you have to muster up every objective bone in your body, and talk to him as an adult... making sure not to even let on a hint of negativity towards him, or anger at his feelings and actions. even if starts to act like an a$$ or say things that totally piss you off, you need to let him know that this is going to happen (obviously, if he tries to walk all over you, you need to just say something like 'i came here hoping to mend our differences, but since that is not an option, i guess this conversation is over'). You and FH love each other, and seeing as how your dad knows what it's like to love somoeone and be loved, then he should understand how you feel. he doesnt have to love your FH, but he does have to accept that this is the person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with and start a family of your own with. he really needs to look at it from the perspective of 'at the end of the day, is it worse gain a SIL or lose a daughter? when you really love someone, you care more about their happiness than your own, and he needs to get over his issues with this.
my dad is old school too. we've had our issues, but standing my groud without throwing anything in his face, or showing that i was upset, always seemed to work in my favor. if you dont open up the lines for debate, it makes it harder for them
good luck ... i hope this helped at least a little bit
edited for typos
February05
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btw... my dad is 14 years older than my mom. my grandmother always hated my father for that.... they just made peace about 2 years ago, and she passed away 3 months ago. for all that time though, until they made their peace, my mothers life was hell! that's why it really is so important that you squash it now.... no one should have to spend their life stuck in the middle.
lolita4life
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
Posted by 121502
I hope I didn't offend you!]
Not at all!!!! Thank you! You give good advice
lolita4life
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
aww im sorry to hear that about your grandmother.
yes i know i have to do it. i definalty wont hold a grudge when i talk to him or throw anything in his face. i guess i just needed words of wisdom to pump me up. which it is working by the way my mom used to try to fix it all, which just did the opposite, but one time she asked my dad' what if in 10 years theyre still together?' and he replied 'it will be 10 years wasted' or something just like that, so it makes me think he will never accept him, which is fine. but he needs to at least respect my decisions. You guys are really helping thanks
stacy&joe
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
I think the advice on here is excellent. Since I have an 'old school' dad myself, I think the best thing to do is be the adult that you are, and speak to him not as his 'little girl', (which is how he sees you), but as a fully grown woman who has made a decision and intends to carry it out. If you are calm, consistent, and firm, yet kind and understanding as to where he is coming from, it may go easier. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. This next advice may be a bit much, and you have to weigh how it will work in your own situation. But, maybe, just maybe, you may want to think about having your FH talk to him, too. Not now, but sometime before the wedding, well after you talk to him. I've seen situations like this before, and sometimes, when the boyfriend/girlfriend the parents dislike is standing in front of them, saying the right things, it makes it harder to dislike him or her. A conversation like that may ease your dad's mind, once he hears how much your FH loves you and wants to be your lifetime partner from your FH himself, instead of you defending him. I'm sure your FH doesn't like how your dad thinks of him, so maybe it's time for them to hash out their differences themselves. After all, he's going to be a member of the family, too. Just a thought. good luck!
lolita4life
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yes, i think that might take some more time! My dad never DID get the chance to 'kick his a$$' as he was supposed to, so i think that may worsen things. i thought about it, but my dad is an extremely difficult person to please... or not to piss off! thank you for the advice though, as for the last part i think the whole FH talking to dad thing would work if i had a different father!!!! ty and ty everyone. it really helps
azoodie
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
wow you got some great advice...good luck with the situation and let us know how it goes
neenie, i can't believe your grandma held that grudge all those years!!
February05
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
Posted by azoodie2
neenie, i can't believe your grandma held that grudge all those years!!
irish grandmother's-- its their forte'
stacy&joe
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Re: HELP!!! I Need Father Advice!
You'll get there. And, your dad might surprise you. Mine tends to blow off steam, and then, voila, he's over it. But, you know your dad best, and you'll do the right thing. In the end, you have to be comfortable with and proud of your life decisions. If there's anything I learned during this process, its that me and my FH can't make everyone in our family happy - so we just have to make sure we're happy with ourselves!!
