I have something on my mind and I could really use some unbiased opinion. Sorry if this is long.
My FH and I have been together for almost 2 years and are getting married in 3 months. I am going to be moving to NY and leaving behind Family (I am very close to),my career, house and friends. Since we have been together, I have had no doubts about leaving this to be with him and start our new life together. It just happens that it is easier for me to do the move than him (as I can get a transfer).
I am getting close to my big move (and immigration) date and now I am not sure. We just moved into a new place and are finally comfortable. Last weekend, my parents came to see us from my hometown (8hrs drive). FH who is usually super affectionate was distant with me, but worst of all was not hospitable to my parents. Even bordered on being rude on one occasion. Needless to say he gave a terrible impression to my parents who have only met him twice before.
After seeing this behavior, they are 'concerned' for me and think I am making a terrible mistake. They are dreading me going through with this. While I admit that he was thoughtless, I don't think he was unstable- as they said. I am so torn cause I adore my FH - and have never been happier - but the disapproval from my parents is devastating. I understand that they only want the best for me. I just don't know what to do. It is one thing for me to move away- but another to feel as though it is killing my family.
I don't know what to do.
So sorry this is so long but I have so much to get out.
Thanks
Espo22
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
I think you need to talk to him and express these feelings...Tell him you didn't appreciate how he treated your parents and were hurt by this. Communication is very important and if I ever felt Fh was disrespectful to my parents I would've let him know right then and there. Talk to him and find out why he did this and that he needs to make an effort to be nicer to your parents
Liboundsoon
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I didn't address it right away- but when I did, his first reaction was that he was tired and cranky. then after he finally came out and said that maybe that wasn't the best thing for him to do. my mom is concerned that he did this on purpose but I don't think he did. Am I just being blind?
emcheung
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
i agree, i think you guys need to sit down and have a nice long talk about how much your family means to you and try to understand where he's coming from as well. maybe he thinks he has to compete with your family for your affection and he's having a hard time dealing with it. talking it out is the best thing to do right now. especially because these issues will continue coming up in the future. good luck!
Espo22
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
Posted by Liboundsoon
I didn't address it right away- but when I did, his first reaction was that he was tired and cranky. then after he finally came out and said that maybe that wasn't the best thing for him to do. my mom is concerned that he did this on purpose but I don't think he did. Am I just being blind?
well now maybe he needs to do something to make up for it or apologize to your parents.
Liboundsoon
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Agreed. But they already have told me they don't want it. They are that mad. I was so upset that I flew in to NY friday and was supposed to come home on Tuesday- but I came home last night as I told him I needed to think about things.
Princess92406
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
wow thats a rough one, ya never know if its cold feet or if your intuition is telling you not to do something.. i'd say if this behavior is very recent and only on this occasion to shake it off, talk about it with him, and decide how next time it can be better handled...if this is behavior that is going on more regularly now, maybe HES trying to tell you something.. whatever it is,,, you HAVE to look into it. good luck
Liboundsoon
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Thanks ladies. As I said I am now trying to sort out my thoughts. We will definitely need to talk. I am just now wondering if we were really happy or if I imagined that all?
MyLobster
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
Sorry you are dealing with this. If i was in your position I would take a step back and look at the whole picture.
Your parents perspective: You moved 8 hours away from home to be with FH they don't know too well.. You uprooted your life to be with him. They come to visit and see him for the 2nd/3rd time and he is not as hospitable as they'd like him to be. They are thinking, 'is this how he treats you?' I'm not saying this is the case but it's probably what's running through their heads. They are parents and noone is ever good enough for you.
If you don't have one doubt that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with then your parents will see how FH is the love of your life and through the next few months they will grow to love him. You are with him for a reason and that's obviously because he's an amazing person. Parents are tough to deal with because they just want you to be happy and do what's best for you. It's great that you have such good relationship with them. They will come around. They just need to get to know him better to see how great he is.
Good Luck!!!!
MyLobster
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
I would def talk to FH though. He has to understand what he did or didm't do hurt you. He has to respect that. Don't make any rash decisions until you talk it over with him and find out why he acted that way.
MRSin2009
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
Coming from someone who is having the same doubts...
I know its hard because I am dealing with it to but I have talked to my FH and told him my concerns and he honestly didnt even realize what he was doing. He came from a family who acted the same way as him and didnt see his actions were hurting others. When I saw my parents take a turn and not like him as much that is when I had to sit him down and say this is what you need to change for this to work. I dont want him to change just some of his actions. I know this is an old saying but its true that actions speak louder then words. His suttle changes have made visits to my parents house a lot easier for him, me, and my parents.
I know its hard and it took me a while to see why they didnt care for him, but when I was honest with him he took it very good and was willing to try for me.
Liboundsoon
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That's exactly what my parents are thinking. How is he going to treat me once we are married? And I am in his country and dependant on him. I just thought he was being thoughtless. not rude on purpose. I guess this is why I need to think.
Liboundsoon
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My Fh family acts so differently than mine but I reminded him that he would never tolerate me acting this way to his mom. What did you decide to do?
Thanks ladies your help.
Pencils
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I think you need to talk to your FH--hopefully in person--and find out why he acted as he did with your parents. Maybe he doesn't realize why he did yet, but if he thinks about it, he should. If he was rude because he felt as if your parents might be trying to keep you apart, that's childish, but understandable--as long as he admits it. How does he get along with his own family?
The thing I'm finding a bit disturbing is how upset you are. Are your parents threatening to cut you off if you marry him? If not, I wonder...is it possible that their disapproval has made you think about things more? Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't know you or about your relationship at all, but is it possible that there are things about your FH that you've closed your eyes to, thought, 'it will be better after we're married', anything like that, and now that your parents are so against this you're wondering about those things you didn't want to acknowledge? I have so many friends who are divorced who noticed problems before the marriage but were so in love they ignored or discounted them.
If you have real doubts, postpone the wedding. It's much, much easier to reschedule a wedding than get divorced, even if you are moving and emigrating. It would be terrible to be stuck in a strange area without your family and friends, in a bad marriage.
If not, tell your parents that your FH was having a bad time, or a bad day, or something, and have him apologize, even if they don't want to hear it. And make sure he makes it up with them!!
Good luck.
LitBallerinaGirl
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
Wow sorry you are going through this! Obviously it is clear that your FH was not himself (does not condone the fact that he was still rude though) Even though your parents said he didn't have to, I think it would be respectful for him to apologize anyway. He is going to have to make it up to them somehow. Hopefully your parents are accepting of second chances. My DH and mom do not have a relationship. It is something that unfortunately will never change and there is nothing that can be done with it. Good Luck and keep us posted
Liboundsoon
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Re: Help! Need Unbiased opinion
The thing I'm finding a bit disturbing is how upset you are. Are your parents threatening to cut you off if you marry him? If not, I wonder...is it possible that their disapproval has made you think about things more? Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't know you or about your relationship at all, but is it possible that there are things about your FH that you've closed your eyes to, thought, 'it will be better after we're married', anything like that, and now that your parents are so against this you're wondering about those things you didn't want to acknowledge? I have so many friends who are divorced who noticed problems before the marriage but were so in love they ignored or discounted them.
You may be right that I am really letting this get to me. I guess that is why I am hoping to get to the bottom of this. By no means have my parents said they would cut me off, but rather offered me their support. We don't have issues that I hope will be better once we're married. We get along great. but there were things in his past that I overlooked (from way before he met me) cause I was soooo assured he adored me. I guess since none of my friends / family really know him, the feedback I get I took to heart.
