Help please!! (a tad long)

Hi Ladies,
I have a question for all of you, and I completely want honest answers!!

Here's the discussion that keeps arising!

I have a bunch of younger cousins (10 of them), and I am extremely close to them all. At the time of my wedding, the youngest one will be 9 yrs old. The rest will be above the age of 12. I always assumed I would be inviting them to the wedding, it never occured to me that it would be an issue.

FH has a ton of cousins....and to be quite honest, he doesn't even know half of their names. There are a bunch that are already grown and married with children (he did not attend their weddings), and there are some younger ones. he doesn't keep in contact with them, and sees them at most, once a year.

FMIL says that generally no kids are ever invited to the wedding unless they are in the bridal party. and, if i want to invite my cousins, ALL of his have to be invited as well. she does not want him inviting all of his, so feels that the best option would be to have no children whatsoever.

Is what she is saying true??? is anyone is a smiliar situation???
aaaaghhhh!!! please help!

I give this advice to everyone in a guest list 'situation' and any other situation, actually:

If you are paying for most of your wedding, and even if you aren't, but some parents can be tyrants......anyway.......do what it is that you and FH feel is right. In the end, it is your day and it should be the way you want it.

I had so many situations where I let other people's opinions affect me, and after a while I said, ok, you had your day the way you wanted, now let me have mine....and BUTT OUT!!!!!!

We have a sort of similar situation, except it's with our cousins' kids. His cousin's kids are a bit older and well behaved. My cousin's kids, with the exception of two, are 6 and under and quite a few of them are very rowdy. We are not inviting any of them. We also had an issue with my mom's cousins kids, each of whom I've met once or twice and have no relationship with at all. She was insisting that I invite them, because I was inviting cousins on my dad's side of the same relation. I'm really close with my dad's side and we decided that it would be fine to only invite them, but it was a battle.
I understand what you're saying, you should be allowed to invite your cousins who you are close with, but how will his aunts and uncles feel when their children aren't invited but your cousins are?

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Posted by stephanielyse
I understand what you're saying, you should be allowed to invite your cousins who you are close with, but how will his aunts and uncles feel when their children aren't invited but your cousins are?

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I totally see what you are saying here...BUT FH doesn't really have a relationship with his aunts and uncles. So, in my opinion I don't see them being upset by it. but who knows, i could be dead wrong!!

I was selective in my inviting. Some kids form SOME families were not invited, some were not. The ones that were are ones I am very close too, like my ex roomates daughter who used to live with me, and my cousin who had a newborn. Other people that arent really in my lives... I did not invite.

I know this is breaking etiquette rules...but who cares..I want the wedding day to be filled with people that I love and cherish and that love me....

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Posted by nov06

A lot of people do tend to have adult receptions but if you want your cousins there then have them. Just because you want to invite your cousins doesn't mean that your FH has to, especially if he doesn't even know them - that's just dumb.

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Ditto! Only invite ppl that are close to you and FH...there's no reason to invite HIS counins just because you invited yours.

I'm sorry... I think if you invite yours, you have to invite his.

Thanks for the input ladies, I appreciate it!!
Once we get it straightened out, I'll let you know what we came up with!!

I know how close you are to your family and how much it means to you to have them there....
Have your cousins there.. and only have FH 's there if there is extensive traveling by their respective parents involved,....
It's your call but I'd keep your cousins in .. and his out.. (unless theres one or two he's close to )
It stinks for FMIL but its your's and hubby-to-be's wedding not her's ! Noone should be 'forced' to go by the etiquette cause its very diff. times then what it used to be...

Really tough issue, but here is my two cents.

First, IMHO, kids are like the 'and guests' - it is up to the & whether or not to include them. There is no they are always included or excluded rule.

Second, weddings are for family & close friends. The question then is, what if you're not close with the family (or as in your FH's case don't even know them)? Do you invite them just because they are family, or do you exclude them because they are not close?

Third, who made up the rule that if you include kids on 's side, you have to include them on 's side??

Can you tell, I'm having a similar dilemna??

We decided no kids under the age of 13 unless in the BP. This way, FH gets to include all the kids he wants, and I get to exclude all the kids I don't want. His single friends/family are being invited with a guest, my single friends/family are being invited without a guest, unless they are engaged, living together, or in a serious relationship defined as longer than one year. This way my cousin will not show up with a professional as he did at my sister's wedding, and his cousin (who is a wallflower) can bring her BF. As for my single friends (he doesn't have any), they know how little $$ I make and are totally OK with it.

The second issue I'm wrestling with right now. I have 5 cousins I've met exactly once about 20 years ago. (4 of whom have kids under the age of 10). They are about to get cut from the guest list (after I talk to my mother), because last night we realized we will be $2000 short if everyone invited actually comes, and these cousins might feel obligated b/c they missed my sister's wedding.

As for the third issue. I have found that at weddings, strangers really don't talk to each other. That's why we go nuts with seating charts and putting people who know one another together. So, if you include A, and exclude B - how on earth is B going to find out?? As in the case of the dueling cousins. How on earth is my cousin going to know that his cousin's date is just a BF and not a fiance?? He is never going to go up to her (or him) and ask, and neither is anyone else in my family (like my aunt who is pissed beyond belief that I'm not letting him bring a guest).

For what it's worth, those are my thoughts.

she is saying that because that is what she wants and she wants you to do what she says. my fmil puts her family over EVERYTHING. she even puts her SIDE above her husband's side SO bad it is embarrassing...
you and fh need to do what you want to do b/c it is your day. if the youngest is nine and the rest are above 12 that's okay---either way, it doesn't matter, if you are close with them that's the most important part.
if fh is not close with them and he was not invited to their weddings why should you invite them?
it doesn't matter who they are or how long you have known them--it's what their relationship is with you and what it means to you. too many people get so concerned with 'etiquette' when it comes to weddings and they forget what really matters--are these people important to you or not?
In ten years will you have a close relationship with them or not? You can't say for sure of course, but you have a feeling about most people over others.
If you don't want to get involved (i hate to) then send the fh in to do what he does best and have him explain to her that this is what you BOTH want and that she will have to respect that.
If she really wants them there, she can pay for it. if it's not about the money but more about the size of the hall then there's really nothing you can do about it--it's out of your hands!
good luck with everything!!!!

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Posted by 07bride2be

Thanks for the input ladies, I appreciate it!!
Once we get it straightened out, I'll let you know what we came up with!!

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yes please do!!

the saddest part for my fmil (her lowest point yet) but i'm sure she'll break her own record...
was when she said that she would exclude FFIL's close family for HER friends because they are more important to her and she doesn't care about his side... but that's your husband?!! and that's his CLOSE family--whats wrong with you??
LOL sometimes i wonder how i do it--how we all do it!!!

I just like you grew up very close to my cousins and second cousins, (about 15 of them) I can honestly say that my extended family on my dad's side is just like my immidiate family. I don't really know my Mom's side. FH isn't anywhere near as close to his cousins.

We decided to invite all my cousins except those under the age of 10. And on FH's side we invited the ones he felt close to. I don't think anyone can tell you who to invite or not. It's your wedding. I know for us it wasn't a problem because we are paying for the whole wedding so I would dare someone to tell me who I can & can not invite.

lol, thanks!!
don't get me wrong, FMIL is def not trying to control any aspect of the wedding. She is very passive, but mentioned to FH that if I invite mine, by etiquette, his should be invited as well. and she doesn't find it necessary to invite his, but feels what you do for one, you should do for the other.
My family never really followed etiquette. we have a huge family, and just did things our way, haha.
But his immediate family is small, and they take the etiquette book seriously!!!!!!!!
I don't want to cause rifts, especially this early on. I want to respect their admiration for the etiquette book, and want them to reciprocate the respect with our 'to hell with etiquette' outlook!
but after hearing what all of you said, I think what we are going to do is break down the guest list...he gets 50 from his side, 50 from my side, and 50 mutual friends. he can sit and create the list of 50 with his mom, and i'll do the same!! I think that's a happy medium!!

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Posted by 07bride2be

lol, thanks!!
don't get me wrong, FMIL is def not trying to control any aspect of the wedding. She is very passive, but mentioned to FH that if I invite mine, by etiquette, his should be invited as well. and she doesn't find it necessary to invite his, but feels what you do for one, you should do for the other.
My family never really followed etiquette. we have a huge family, and just did things our way, haha.
But his immediate family is small, and they take the etiquette book seriously!!!!!!!!
I don't want to cause rifts, especially this early on. I want to respect their admiration for the etiquette book, and want them to reciprocate the respect with our 'to hell with etiquette' outlook!
but after hearing what all of you said, I think what we are going to do is break down the guest list...he gets 50 from his side, 50 from my side, and 50 mutual friends. he can sit and create the list of 50 with his mom, and i'll do the same!! I think that's a happy medium!!

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yes good compromise!!!
and sorry--i'm actually glad for you that your fmil is not a goblin, that's great--but mine is lol so when i hear stories i get very trigger happy!! lol just a natural reaction haha

hahaha, i understand!!!! I'm sure i will have tons of 'goblin' stories as the date gets closer!!

Curious as to how your FH feels about this? This is afterall both of your days, thats it. Also why does FMIL even know what family you are inviting? As a cousin who wasn't invited to weddings in the past, if you are really close to them you should have them there. Since FH isn't close to his cousins they shouldn't be invited, JMO