My FH and I have started asking our everyone to be in our bridal party. FH really isn't close with his sister, but feels he should have her in the bridal party because he wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. The only problem with FSIL is that she is not dependable and very confrontational. I am afraid that we will not show up or not help with the shower. She is a partier and that is what her life consists of. I understand why FH would want to have his sister, but what should I do?????
Please Help!!!
Captsarkasm
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Re: Help with FSIL
Personally....it may be a PITA for your, but in the end, I think I would rather deal with one aggravating bridesmaid than have a family of his relatives talk about it for the months leading up to the wedding. I don't know her personally, but I would think it would be odd for her to not show at all. In regards to the shower planning...I would just warn the rest of my BMs that she may be a flake on a lot.... Maybe if they expect it, it will be less of a headache for them. JMO GOOD LUCK!!
gaccrrm
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Re: Help with FSIL
I completely understand what you are saying. I feel the same way, but FSIL didn't show up to her own mothers surprise party because she was too busy partying and getting into trouble. No phone call or anything. She also enjoys getting in to fist fights with people.
The bridal party is your close friends and family. I don't think he should ask you to put your FSIL in the party if your not close. It should be YOUR close friends for the BM and HIS close friends for the GM. I never understood that whole concept of just bc they are the sister or the brother. Who cares. Half the people on this site constantly complaing about what a PITA the FSIL is bc probably they are not friends- just friendly bc they have to be family. I think you shouldn't ask her bc in the end she will only be a huge headache.
Just my opinion. I hope everything works out for you.
MJDoc12
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Re: Help with FSIL
i may be in the minority here--cause i've noticed a lot of times on this site, a lot of brides say 'Just make her a BM to avoid trouble!' but IMHO, if you are not close with her, and you already know she's not dependable....i would NOT put her in the BM. too often the ones who say 'just put her in, cause i did that too' are the ones that come on here and moan and groan about the stress that the ONE BP member is giving them!
i have 5 sisters, and only 1 of them will be in my BP...why? cause that's what i wanted. i didn't want to have to chase them all down for dresses, and such and deal with drama. FH has 2 sisters, are they in my BP? NO. i am not close with them, and quite frankly the only people in my BP are my absolutely closest friends and family.
people make a big argument of 'they are gonna be your family'...well then not being asked to be a member of the BP shouldn't make or break your relationship. you have the rest of your life to be family with them and share things.
TheBigDay
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Re: Help with FSIL
Edit wording.. . personnally you shouldnt ask her just to avoid hurting her feelings.. none of my brothers are in the bridal party and i dont think it bothers them nor do they expect it... i have my fsil in mine because we are friends... although there has been some minor obsticals with that which have surprised me... she complained no one contacted her about the shower, and i have seen the email to her and between other BM's asking if she has gotten back to anyone... she kinda got pissy for my bat party cause it apparently didnt go according to what she wanted... and she told fh she planned the whole thing, which is NOT true! i have sent emails to all my girls asking for a reply that the dress is in and they have recieved the swatches i sent them all ( i live out of state).. and she is the only one to reply to me to say yes i recieved the message dresses are in and i recived the swatch...and she was kinda a tornado at the shower... i love her to death, and all this stuff is totally out of her norm so i am a little caught off guard by it and hope i dont get the same stress on my wedding day! we will see.. so all in all, if you are not even close to her, nor is FH.. and you she is confontational and not dependable.. dont stress yourself out about it... she will just have to be understanding...
AlmostMrsKelly
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Re: Help with FSIL
well... how set is FH on having his sister be in the BP? if he is dead set on it and it was cause friction between the 2 of you, then obviously it means something to him and so i would ask her. if he's up in the air, like you seem to be, then IMO i would advise against it. i agree with the other girls, in not asking someone just because you feel you have to or because they are (or are going to be) family. TRUST ME, those reasons just aren't worth it. because even if you go into it knowing she's not dependable, etc it will cause you nothing but stress in the end. ask people who are closest to you, people who you feel will aid in making this the best day of your life, people who would be honored to help and stand by your side. however, if you do decide to ask her, i would give the others in the BP the heads up. good luck!
Mdolph6
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Re: Help with FSIL
I have the SAME problem.....FH and I absolutly do NOT get along with one of his sisters but his mother told us if we have one of them in the wedding then we have to have the other one....I cant even begin to tell you how many tears I have shed over this. So she is in the BP now and already causing issues....
GOOD LUCK.....
cuteauburnininny
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Re: Help with FSIL
THATS GONNA BE A TOUGH CALL. ITS A NO WIN SITUATION. YOUR DOMED IF YOU DO, DOMED IF YOU DON;T. DON'T ASK HER YET. LET SOME TIME GO BY. DON'T RUSH INTO A DECISION. WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT , ITS YOUR DAY YOU ALWAYS DREAMED OF AND YOU GOT TO BE THE ONE HAPPY.
MY FH HAS A BROTHER INLAW WHO WE AREN'T HAVING IN WEDDING. I KNOW ITS CAUSED HARD FEELINGS BUT WE BOTH DECIDED NO BECAUSE OF SOME SITUATIONS OF WHAT HE HAD SAID TO ME. THINGS THAT I WAS SOO TAKEN BACK BY. DIGUSTING THINGS LETS JUST SAY. ITS CAUSED SOME PROBLEMS AND I JUST SAY TO BAD MY DAY FH DAY WE HAVE WHO WE WANT AND DO IT HOW WE WANT. YOU GOT PROBLEMS WITH IT OH WELL YOU DWEEL IN IT. NO-ONE GONNA RUIN OUR DAY. I KNOW I AM SOUNDING A BIT B***** BUT I NOT GONNA LET ANYONE RUIN MY WONDERFUL DAY. THERS ALWAYS GONNA BE SOMEONE OR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOING TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU DECIDE. JUST REMEBER YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY JUST YOURSELF.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR DECISION
kittythestray
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Re: Help with FSIL
I would ask her to do a reading. That way she's involved & there's nothing she has to do before hand, and have a back up person to do it so if she doesn't show you don't have to worry! I have both my FSIL's doing readings. It's my opinion, but I have GOOD, normally reliable friends who are BM's and it's been a nightmare.... You have to get her to go to fittings, you have to get her to buy shoes, what if she doesn't like the dress you pick?? Or maybe she'll pick the dress & it's totally inappropriate, it's not just the shower, it's FITTINGS & Dress issues too!!
ewickens
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Re: Help with FSIL
From reading the boards of other girls experiences and knowing my own family - you need to surround yourself with the people you love and can depend on! These will be the people who will be supporting you on the day and helping you stay calm and help get you to point B from point A. I didn't ask one of my SIL to be in my wedding party for this exact reason. We don't get along and I can't depend on her.
cmc
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Re: Help with FSIL
NO! -- I'd say if you have any doubts or concerns.... then don't do it.
Mrs.CM
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Re: Help with FSIL
Voted no and also answered on 07 board
repost of what I posted:
Just because she is a sister does not mean she HAS to be in the BP. We decided not to ask one of FH's brothers because he really is not that close with him. We knew it might hurt his feelings, but there were others that FH felt closer with and could not imagine his day without them standing next to him. It is a difficult decision, but it is your day and if the only reason you would ask her is because you feel bad, then you might be better off having her play another important role in your day. Good luck!!
LaurenluvsTJ
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Re: Help with FSIL
We didn't ask SIL to be in the wedding as a BM. His brother was a GM, but he is a lot closer to his brother. His sister's daughter was our FG, and then we also asked her to do a reading. There were no hard feelings at all.
Smiles111
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Re: Help with FSIL
no, don't ask her. you have plenty of valid reasons not to. it'll save a lot of trouble and bad feelings to just never ask her. it's not worth it. and if you do, you may end up polling here to ask about kicking her out, which is much worse! she probably won't care if she's not asked. It doesn't sound like she cares much about anything besides partying. she might even be relieved not to be asked.
waterspout4
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Re: Help with FSIL
When my brother got married I was in the BP and my sister wasn't. When our other brother got married, neither of us was in the BP. Every situation is different. There is no right or wrong. This decision is between you and your FH.
gaccrrm
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Re: Help with FSIL
Thanks girls for all the great advice. FH feels the same way as I feel so no matter what we decide will be a decision we will make together. This is something we both have agreed is a tough call and that we both want to be happy with the decision. Even FMIL says its a tough call. I guess we will see what happens.
metmymatch
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Re: Help with FSIL
if fh isn't close to her and you're not close to her, i don't see a reason why you should ask her. plus, given your description of her, she's going to cause you nothing but aggrevation if she's in the party. just make sure you stick to people you are close with for the bp so that you can validate why you didn't include her when the questions/accusations start to come it.
charityhope
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Re: Help with FSIL
If she's going to make you anxious and uncomfortable, then you should not ask her to be a bridesmaid. If your FH is intent on including her in the bridal party, then he should ask her to be one of his attendants. Since she'll be standing up for him, she doesn't need to be involved in shower/bachelorette planning, and yet she'll still have a place of honor on the big day.
I had guys on my side of the bridal party, and I've been to several weddings where the groom had women on their side of the bridal party. It's not the traditional thing, but I think it's more important for you and your FH to be surrounded by the people you love and to be free from anxiety/regret about your bp choices than it is to make sure that the members of the bridal party are coupled up according to conventional guidelines. JMO.
SeptBride70
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Re: Help with FSIL
Posted by MJDoc12
i may be in the minority here--cause i've noticed a lot of times on this site, a lot of brides say 'Just make her a BM to avoid trouble!' but IMHO, if you are not close with her, and you already know she's not dependable....i would NOT put her in the BM. too often the ones who say 'just put her in, cause i did that too' are the ones that come on here and moan and groan about the stress that the ONE BP member is giving them!
i have 5 sisters, and only 1 of them will be in my BP...why? cause that's what i wanted. i didn't want to have to chase them all down for dresses, and such and deal with drama. FH has 2 sisters, are they in my BP? NO. i am not close with them, and quite frankly the only people in my BP are my absolutely closest friends and family.
people make a big argument of 'they are gonna be your family'...well then not being asked to be a member of the BP shouldn't make or break your relationship. you have the rest of your life to be family with them and share things.
I TOTALLY AGREE and i might be the only one besides Melissa here too-- but take it from me (someone who has a NIGHTMARE of a person in their BP and it's too late now b/c i didn't wait and asked early, before i realized what a jerk FH's cousin is) and now he has been NOTHING but problems and we still have a year to go thank GOD he is not a girl so i don't have to deal with him AS much as I would if he was. You don't want that kind of stress on your day. If you have to cut down the BP to make it 'very simple' and use that as your excuse ($ reasons, etc) then say that-- but I would do anything to avoid that or else I know once you ask, it's too late and you will regret it b/c I am regretting it right now. Maybe, to keep the peace, ask her to do a reading (if you are having a church service, if not: have her read a poem or something) and have a back up incase she does not show or is late, whatever... that way you can still include her and it will be a little nicer.
HTH, go with your gut on this one... from the sound of her-- it's asking for disaster and then you have to look at her for the rest of your life in pics and considering FH is not close with her now, i don't think it's going to change much.
