Holiday Hell Repost from NW

This is I think one of the trickiest parts of being a NW. So I figured I'd post it over here. It's also one of the trickiest parts of expecting a baby - so expect to see this re-posted on Parenting for maximum advice.

My MIL lives in NYC. We see her quite often. My BIL and SIL live in Jersey with their 2 kids. We see them often as well. In general, my husband's whole family lives in Jersey and we see them all on a regular basis. Stopovers, dinners, parties and so on.

My parents retired to Cape Cod in January. My older sister , 4 kids in way up CT, my little sister and hubby in Westchester (I see her once in a while, more than the rest of course as she is closer).

Okay - long story short. We have always spent holidays apart. Because neither Mom would give it 'over' and I just never wanted the fight. For the first year last year, as we had just gotten married, we decided after 10 years, time to stay together on holidays, right? So the chaos began. My mom wanted us on Christmas Eve (which is our biggie holiday in our family) but Chris' mom did too because that is the holiday that he spends with his brother. We negotiated (or I compromised) and I skipped Thanksgiving at my mom's, had it at my house with MIL, BIL and SIL and kids, and had Christmas Eve with my mom. On Christmas Day we stayed home, and his mom came over for dinner - just the three of us. She doesn't have anybody on Christmas Day as her other son goes to his inlaws.

Now that my mom is in the Cape she wants Thanksgiving there and is giving me a REALLY hard time about not coming. Which I am really upset about. I mean - we made it clear last year, and so on. And quite frankly I don't want to drive 6 hours at 7 months pregnant either. My sisters and their husbands are of course going, so I am clearly the dilemma. My mom (who the few of you who know me a little more personally) is not the 'easiest' person to deal with. Any my MIL is no walk in the park either. I just feel pulled in all these directions. And at the same time, I get angry to think that my husband's family doesn't understand the dilemma I am in , that I never get to see my family any more…..I mean we really will only get together all of us once this year at Christmas Eve, and that breaks my heart.

Does anybody have these kind of holiday problems? Especially with the baby on the way, everybody seems to be clamoring to set up traditions that involve that family seeing the baby - and nobody wants to negotiate! I just feel like having turkey sandwiches from Boston Market and watching the game in bed with my husband…..

Your last idea sounds the best. Get those sandwiches and stay home with your husband. It is really wrong that both families are putting you in this position, especially while you are pregnant. Maybe it is time for you and your hubby to start your own traditions for your family. I would do what you feel comfortable with this year, and next year I would invite everyone to your house to be together and see the baby for the holidays there. If anyone does not want to bend for the new tradition than at least you tried to compromise.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. It is impossible to be in two places at one time, so don't feel guilty at all

I also don't think its fair for the families to do this to you. I don't blame you for not wanting to drive 6 hours while you are seven months pregnant.
Stay home and have a nice quiet Thanksgiving with your hubby. Just try to keep splitting the holidays between both families like you usually do.
Maybe next year they can come out to see you.

your last comment is the one you should go with...and I know that it is going to be very hard to do that....

If anyone wants to, they can come to you..and they can plan on making dinner to !

I was 8 months preg by thanksgiving...not going anywhere...had it at our place and whomever decided to come..helped rob cook.

Time for them to all start driving to YOU...and set up new traditions....or what we do is alternate holidays by year..this year we go to my SILS in FLa for Chanunak and Christmas

Jenny- these situations are NEVER easy to deal with. I don't have the same problem really but I still feel the inner turmoil over telling one of the parents 'I am sorry but we have to go to the other house this year'. Here is what I think might help- being 7 months pregnant gives you a good excuse to stay closer to home this year but NEXT year tell your Mom that you will come for Thanksgiving. And just so you know the Mass Pike on Thanksgiving is probably going to add another 1-2 hours to your trip due to traffic so that might also give you a bit more help. Spend Christmas Eve at Cape Cod and Christmas Day with MIL this year and then just alterate Thanksgiving from year to year from now on. Tell your Mother and MIL with your DH that this is your decision and you hope they can respect it.

Jenny it is really not a good idea to be in a car that long while you are that far along. You would have to stop every 2 hours to walk around anyway. I would stay at home with DH. Then next year start a new tradition, this is what we do, every other holiday we switch. It works out that you will see each other's family every other year. Last year we had Thanksgiving with Steve's family and this year it will be mine. You can still keep Christmas Eve with his family as I know Steve's family does the big Christmas Eve thing(the italian thing with the fish which I hate) and my family get Christmas day. Then we swap Easter the same as Thanksgiving. Do what you want. Don't stress yourself at the end of your pregnancy. If you families don't understand, well screw them