How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

ikasse02 Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:20 AM

How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

OK, so some of you know my dad has end-stage lung cancer. And somehow, it seems like he'll make it to the wedding!

However, his behavior is out of control. He yells at everyone, even the TV. He shouts at me every other time I talk to him and doesn't care at all, no matter how much it hurts me. He even asks my FI every time if he's sure he wants me because I'm crazy.

Most of this stems from the denial about his disease and that his usually sharp mind is not working - he hallucinates often and tries to hide it.

I am TERRIFIED that he will make a big scene at the wedding - I am 90% sure this will happen since it will be a long day for us all.

He is staying home to rest between the ceremony and reception. But he insists on coming to the rehearsal dinner the night before - which will wear him out. He refuses to admit he's sick - he still drives!

*** How do I handle him?

Most people at the wedding do not know the story and will not understand his actions.

I'm petrified, anything else can go wrong and I won't care - but not this!

Thanks in advance

PrincessRose Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:28 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It is a very big potential problem, you're right. However, do you really want to look back at the wedding, which happened BEFORE he died, and not see any pictures of your Father, whatever state he's in?

Honestly, I think that whoever doesn't know the story will find out, and understand.

to you.

Donna Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:29 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

First I'm sorry to hear about your dad this must be really hard for you.

I think what you have to do is enlist a family member or friend to 'watch' your dad that day. If they see him getting tired or out of control they can take him to another room. You also may want to tell your maitre'd so they can be of assistance and lie to him. Like tell him they have to discuss something with him outside, etc.

I hope it all works out for you

neesiepie Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:30 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

I wish I had some good advice for you. Is there any way he can leave early? Maybe just make an appearance briefly at the rehearsal dinner and then leave early to rest up? Maybe you can have dessert at his house or something, so he can relax in the comfort of his own home?
I am not sure what I would do, but I hope it works out for you. You may be surprised...and I would just be happy that he is around to be at your wedding...this is definitely a blessing in disguise. Try to think of it that way......

ChristineC68 Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:36 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

I am very sorry about your father's health.

Can your mother or someone talk to him about this before the wedding? How is he when he is out in public - stores, etc?

I agree with Rachel about people understanding the situation when they are made aware of it. And I don't mean this in a cruel way, but I would have done anything or put up with anything to have my father at my wedding (he died many years ago).

StepherG Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:43 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

Posted by Donna

First I'm sorry to hear about your dad this must be really hard for you.

I think what you have to do is enlist a family member or friend to 'watch' your dad that day. If they see him getting tired or out of control they can take him to another room. You also may want to tell your maitre'd so they can be of assistance and lie to him. Like tell him they have to discuss something with him outside, etc.

I hope it all works out for you

I agree with Donna's solution. Also, I am so sorry to hear about your father's health. I'd give anything to have my dad back to go to my wedding whatever state he was in. Don't do anything you may regret. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family.

Kriss2c Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:45 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

When my father's cancer was considered end stage; his mood swings were not unlike how you are describing your dad's. It actually stemmed from side-effects from all the drugs he was on to make his comfortable.

Maybe you or your mother could voice your concerns to his doctor... who can either adjust the drugs he is currently on or maybe prescribe something else that will calm him down a bit. It might be helpful to your father for more than just your wedding.

nferrandi Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:46 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

I'm sorry your dad is in such a fragile state, but be thrilled that he is able to make it to your wedding. If he doesn't know his own limitations, than you have to get someone else to step in to help him. Does he have a nurse? Could you maybe get one for your wedding day to make sure that he's taken care of? I would be nervous about him making a scene too, but you can't prevent it from hapening by worrying about it. Do what yuo can to avoid getting him confrontational, but don't disclude him from anything. Sick or not sick, you're his daughter and he just wants to be a part of your day.

aimerliny Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:47 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that your father is sick.

I know how you feel. My wedding is in November, and I just lost my father to cancer in February. He had been very sick in the fall but then he rallied during the holidays. We all thought that he'd make it to the wedding.

Based on my experience, if given the choice to have my father at my wedding, in whatever condition he would have been in, I would take it.

You have to remember that he is sick, and its very hard for him to realize that your wedding marks the beginning of the next phase of your life and he knows he won't be there to share that next phase.

It's your day and no matter what his behavior is, you can't let it ruin your wedding. Be thankful that he can be there and share the day with you.

takeoutcook Posted: Jun 02, 2004 11:52 AM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

Posted by Donna

First I'm sorry to hear about your dad this must be really hard for you.

I think what you have to do is enlist a family member or friend to 'watch' your dad that day. If they see him getting tired or out of control they can take him to another room. You also may want to tell your maitre'd so they can be of assistance and lie to him. Like tell him they have to discuss something with him outside, etc.

I hope it all works out for you

That's a great idea - my prayers are with you and your family

ikasse02 Posted: Jun 02, 2004 12:03 PM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

Please don't get me wrong, I am very excited about him making it, believe me. The story goes back 29 years so it is too long to go into...

But he is very unmanagable. We tried the meds adjustment thing and he got worse - with 10 days there's no more time to experiment.

We tried the nurse thing and he fired her.

It has come to the point where only a few of my family members are attending the wedding because he has alienated all of them. They will regret it but he also uninvited them so it is out of my hands.

I don't want him to get himself so worked up he has a heart attack or stroke (when he was in the hospital this almost happened).

I guess it's a play it by ear thing...I will assign my brother to help him. He likes him.

PS - aimer - I like the cockatiel!
Thanks for the advice! I welcome any other ideas!

Rob-luvs-me Posted: Jun 02, 2004 12:16 PM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

I know this doesn't compare but DH's grandfather is in his 90's and is legally blind and almost completely deaf. He got trashed at our e-party and made a HUGE scene so our guests thought he was having a heart attack.

Anyway MIL refuses to watch him so we got him an aide - This was a great idea - it gave him someone to walk him around, take care of him, and control him.

You could look into one - they would be able to take him home if he is not doing well or for a walk if he is making a scene and you know that he would be well taken care of.

OSCARtheGROOM Posted: Jun 02, 2004 12:26 PM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

It must be hard for you, but at least he'll be there for your wedding. I lost my mom when i was 15 yrs old. My advice to you is to let him be. He is at a fragile state in his life, and who knows who much longer he has to live. Enjoy all the time you can with him while he's still here. You wont regret it.

shelly3950 Posted: Jun 02, 2004 01:02 PM

Re: How do I handle this potential problem? (sorry, long)

Posted by OSCARtheGROOM

It must be hard for you, but at least he'll be there for your wedding. I lost my mom when i was 15 yrs old. My advice to you is to let him be. He is at a fragile state in his life, and who knows who much longer he has to live. Enjoy all the time you can with him while he's still here. You wont regret it.

I agree with this. My dad passed away when is was 21 (two days after my birthday). He never even met FH. However, I totally understand your concern - its totally valid. I think getting an aide is a great idea.