How do I NOT be selfish?

xjulietx Posted: Jan 04, 2004 02:24 PM

How do I NOT be selfish?

Ladies, I need your help in not being selfish. I just posted for prayers for my mom's friend who is battling ovarian cancer. Now I just got off the phone with a friend whose mother died of ovarian cancer 5 years ago and when I told her about mom's friend, she said she remembers the symptoms and that they are Stage 3 and that is terminal. She said she thinks that mom's friend probably only has 5-6 months left. I am getting married 6/20 and since I got off the phone with my friend, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what would happen if she dies right around my wedding and everyone would be depressed and not interested in coming to my wedding. I love this woman. She is amazing as I mentioned in my request for prayers. I don't want my mom to lose her (nor her family to lose her) but I can't help but think of her dying around my wedding. Help me NOT be selfish and find a healthy balance of respect for her and happiness for me. I feel selfish and confused.

Sonicstef Posted: Jan 04, 2004 02:30 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

First off, dont be so sure that your friend can diagnose your moms friend using the information you gave her. I dont think there are many doctors who can pinpoint a time of death with that much accuracy, I doubt your friend can without a medical degree. So the timing may be off.

Second, I think its normal to be thinking of your wedidng. You have your priorities in order - you know that you SHOULDNT be thinking of it and that in the grand scheme of things, its not as important as this women or her family - but you cant help it. How could you? You have been thinking and planning of this day for a long time..its only natural. Just focus on being there for your mom and this women and let the rest fall into place. There is nothing you can do about it anyway.

I hope you dont have to deal with this at the time of your wedding but you may be surprised how the people you love will support you no matter the circumstance. I hear stories about weddings that occurred on Sept 14 2001 of people who lost loved ones on 9/11 and how wonderful those were. If people can celebrate that week and after that loss, people will be able to do it for you too.

Misty Posted: Jan 04, 2004 02:41 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

Sweety, your feelings are completely totally natural. This is a life changing event for you, just as this cancer is a life changing event for everyone...even though they are on opposite ends of the spectrum emotionally.

Dh's 4 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks before our engagement party. We are very close with the entire family, and none of them could come to the party. Her sister was our Jr. Bridesmaid, and she was heartbroken to not be a part of that day. 2 weeks before my bridal shower, she was put back into the hospital, and no one in her family, including her sister, could come to the shower because it put them all at risk for contracting colds etc, that would make them unable to see her when she got out for fear of contamination. Right before the wedding, she returned to the hospital again, and her mom had to come alone to the wedding with her sister. Her dad sat vigil at the hospital. This was all in the back of our minds that day and the weeks before the wedding, this family suffering while all of this joy was taking place. In an odd way, it actually helped the family deal with it, and this is from their mouths, not mine. They said it was a welcome distraction...and a bit of happiness in the midst of a very dark cloud.

Just remember that you can't control what will happen before during or after your wedding. This goes for everything minor as well as extreme. You are marrying the man that you love. You and your family will be overjoyed for you that day, no matter what the circumstance.

Good luck sweety, you're in my prayers.

yabbobay Posted: Jan 04, 2004 04:45 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

my grandfather died less than 2 weeks before my wedding...and my entire family kept telling me...don't worry...it will be nice to get together for a nice reason

BriarRose Posted: Jan 04, 2004 05:12 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

I second what yabbobay stated! It's so true!!
My FIL died 4 weeks before our wedding and there was no mourning in the air on our special day!! You neednt worry!! For the record I dont think your being selfish, just human!!

karen32 Posted: Jan 04, 2004 05:48 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

i had the same fears. both of my grandmothers are in a nursing home. my biggest fear was that one of them would pass away right before the wedding. you are perfectly normal to have those feelings!!! your wedding is one of the most important days of your life and you want everything to be perfect!!

Jen_n_Dale Posted: Jan 04, 2004 06:21 PM

Re: How do I NOT be selfish?

I agree with Stef. Your friend isn't a doctor. When my grandma was dying of cancer no one gave us a set time. They just said some people could live years in her condition or go quickly. With every month we prayed that grandma didn't die near my brother's birthday, when she made it to that then it wasn't my birthday, so on and so on.

I totally see where you are coming from. And it just a human emotion.