this is going to be long but I'll try to get to the point..but first a little background..
I've known one of my bridesmaids since middleschool and ofcourse she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. Well, I'm kind of regreting that I did...
Since I got in Engaged in April, she has canceled on me numerous times with what I say is pure excuses. This past weekend I had tried one last attempt to see her and well she came up with another excuse. She lives in Manhatten and I live in Suffolk. Its s 1 1/2 hr trip to/from Penn/Suffolk and on weekends the trains arent as frequent. This time though, I had thought of everything..I said it was okay for her to bring her dog (I'm not a pet person), I found a ride for her.. My sister was going to pick her up and bring her to Suffolk and I was going to even take her home..and I called and made the appointments with bridal boutiques so she can try on the dresses the other bridesmaids have already tried on.
So, on Friday I called her 3 times during the day and 3 times left messages. I didnt get a call until 11:30 at night, when I was already get ready for bed. Needless to say, I let her leave a message and her excuse was that she is in NJ and she couldnt make it this weekend. I was soo pissed to hear this, cause why are you in NJ when we had already made plans for the weekend. i never called her back. But Sunday evening at 5pm she had called again and left a message saying that she is in Queens and that we should meet up. I was like, are you serious.. Does she not know that I live in suffolk and am not going to cancel my evening plans just casue she called last minute. I'm sorry but things arent the same when I used to live in Queens and were ready when ever she was. I was just not going to drive an hr jsut becasue she was in Queens.
Anyway, How do I tell her that I dont want her to be part of the bridal party anymore and still want her to come to the wedding. I dont want to lose a friendship over this.
And, let me remind you.. since I got engaged, I have not seen her.
Losing sleep over this, Esther
MJDoc12
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
I think before you drop her from the party--that you should set up a time to meet up in person (if not by phone at least) and talk to her about how you feel. let her know that you feel a little hurt about the entire situation....and you want to talk it out before things get worse. ASK her straight out if she WANTS to be in the party and let her know that you understand if she doesn't.
maybe she feels estranged from you since you moved away.....sometimes we get so upset and forget to try and talk it out.
sorry you have to deal with this--but try to reach out first....in hopes to save the friendship
sweetdreamz1181
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
i would def try and talk to her first b4 you tell her you dont want her to be in the bridal party
Yofei18
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by MJDoc12
I think before you drop her from the party--that you should set up a time to meet up in person (if not by phone at least) and talk to her about how you feel. let her know that you feel a little hurt about the entire situation....and you want to talk it out before things get worse. ASK her straight out if she WANTS to be in the party and let her know that you understand if she doesn't.
maybe she feels estranged from you since you moved away.....sometimes we get so upset and forget to try and talk it out.
sorry you have to deal with this--but try to reach out first....in hopes to save the friendship
I will def try to talk to her first..but she is just full of excuses ..UGH!!
SusiBtoM
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by MJDoc12
I think before you drop her from the party--that you should set up a time to meet up in person (if not by phone at least) and talk to her about how you feel. let her know that you feel a little hurt about the entire situation....and you want to talk it out before things get worse. ASK her straight out if she WANTS to be in the party and let her know that you understand if she doesn't.
maybe she feels estranged from you since you moved away.....sometimes we get so upset and forget to try and talk it out.
sorry you have to deal with this--but try to reach out first....in hopes to save the friendship
Great words of wisdom, Melissa. I agree. Give this girl a chance to be a BM or give her the chance to back out. Maybe she does not know how to approach you. Talking is everything. Nothing comes of being silent but seething.
Yofei18
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by SusiBtoM
Posted by MJDoc12
I think before you drop her from the party--that you should set up a time to meet up in person (if not by phone at least) and talk to her about how you feel. let her know that you feel a little hurt about the entire situation....and you want to talk it out before things get worse. ASK her straight out if she WANTS to be in the party and let her know that you understand if she doesn't.
maybe she feels estranged from you since you moved away.....sometimes we get so upset and forget to try and talk it out.
sorry you have to deal with this--but try to reach out first....in hopes to save the friendship
Great words of wisdom, Melissa. I agree. Give this girl a chance to be a BM or give her the chance to back out. Maybe she does not know how to approach you. Talking is everything. Nothing comes of being silent but seething.
I agree talking is everything...but what do I say to her? One of my other bridesmaid is in CA and she has made 2 trips already, egh, I dont want to compare, even though I already am.
iwannabmrsD
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
eh... i'mma have the dissenting opinion here.. Bump some talking.. ur wedding is in march.. which means to be on the safe side, your dresses should be ordered by the end of october.. i'd set up a deadline.. by which everyone should be measured for the dresses and email you their measurments (or however u'r ordering your dresses) and if her order isn't in by then, order the dresses and tell her u'r sorry but u couldn't wait any longer, the orders had to be placed..
Yofei18
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by iwannabmrsD
eh... i'mma have the dissenting opinion here.. Bump some talking.. ur wedding is in march.. which means to be on the safe side, your dresses should be ordered by the end of october.. i'd set up a deadline.. by which everyone should be measured for the dresses and email you their measurments (or however u'r ordering your dresses) and if her order isn't in by then, order the dresses and tell her u'r sorry but u couldn't wait any longer, the orders had to be placed..
I'm glad you mentioned this.. because I wanted to make this past weekend the deadline..I already have all the other girls info..its her i'm waiting on.
oOMarshmallowOo
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
I was actually in a similiar situation, but not to the same extent. I had a BM that was super duper busy ( at the time of my wedding planning, she was working full time and in school for 2 MBAs). She has canceled on my twice and giving me only 10 minutes notice before we actually had to meet up. The third time, the BMs and I were suppose to meet up to look at the final decision on their dress and guess where she was? She was at a Yankees game and I found out because I always call my girls about 1 hour before we actually meet to make sure that they are getting ready to leave or on their way. When I called her, she told me that she was actually 'stuck' at a Yankee's game and she won't be able to come! I basically called her out and sat down with her and had a talk with her. I think the problem with my friend is that, she doesn't mean harm but she just doesn't have any time management skills. She apologized so many times and I had the same thought that you have now ---> I wanted to remove her from the bridal party! BUT, I didn't. She also didn't come to my Bridal Shower because she was doing something else!!!! You know your friend better than us. If you truly feels that she neglects your friendship and not taking up her duty as a bridesmaid, maybe you should sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. Afterall, if she's close enough to be a BM, you can tell her anything on your mind!
Yofei18
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by oOMarshmallowOo
I was actually in a similiar situation, but not to the same extent. I had a BM that was super duper busy ( at the time of my wedding planning, she was working full time and in school for 2 MBAs). She has canceled on my twice and giving me only 10 minutes notice before we actually had to meet up. The third time, the BMs and I were suppose to meet up to look at the final decision on their dress and guess where she was? She was at a Yankees game and I found out because I always call my girls about 1 hour before we actually meet to make sure that they are getting ready to leave or on their way. When I called her, she told me that she was actually 'stuck' at a Yankee's game and she won't be able to come! I basically called her out and sat down with her and had a talk with her. I think the problem with my friend is that, she doesn't mean harm but she just doesn't have any time management skills. She apologized so many times and I had the same thought that you have now ---> I wanted to remove her from the bridal party! BUT, I didn't. She also didn't come to my Bridal Shower because she was doing something else!!!! You know your friend better than us. If you truly feels that she neglects your friendship and not taking up her duty as a bridesmaid, maybe you should sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. Afterall, if she's close enough to be a BM, you can tell her anything on your mind!
Thank you soo much for telling your story.. i was hoping to calm down and analyze my emotions, but i'm still upset..but instead of delaying the situation and the conversation me and her need big time, I will call her today and talk to her..
kslmbuggie
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
you cant kick someone out of the bp & say but I still want you to come 2 my wedding. I understand your frustrations, but we arent in junior high anymore. You need to tell her that you are pissed & she needs to make up her mind if she wants to be in the wedding or not because u have to have the dress orders in by next week (make that date up). At that point the ball is in her court. Make the appointment, if she shows up she shows up, if she doesnt oh well, her loss.
Maybe she is jealous, or has other issues she just isnt telling you about....or maybe money problems, but you wont know until you ask. good luck!!
KSquared
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Anyway, How do I tell her that I dont want her to be part of the bridal party anymore and still want her to come to the wedding. I dont want to lose a friendship over this.
You don't.
Fausha
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
I think before you give her the boot! You should def have a sit down and explain to her what you expect of her as a bridesmaid. Also remind her how important your friendship . Explain that if she finds it hard to keep up on her end , than maybe it's best that she drop out. Because you value her friendship to much to have it be ruined by this.
lookitscassie
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
talk to her about it. tell her your upset that she keeps ditching you and if it doesnt change, then you dont think she should be in the bridal party
jeanne08
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Re: How do I tell a Bridesmaid..
Posted by MJDoc12
I think before you drop her from the party--that you should set up a time to meet up in person (if not by phone at least) and talk to her about how you feel. let her know that you feel a little hurt about the entire situation....and you want to talk it out before things get worse. ASK her straight out if she WANTS to be in the party and let her know that you understand if she doesn't.
maybe she feels estranged from you since you moved away.....sometimes we get so upset and forget to try and talk it out.
sorry you have to deal with this--but try to reach out first....in hopes to save the friendship
I agrre try talking to her face to face first, see whats up and find out if maybe she just doesn't want to be in the wedding for some reason?
