How Involved are your FMILs?

sandybeaches115 Posted: May 30, 2009 02:51 PM

How Involved are your FMILs?

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to know if i'm doing things completely wrong or not. My FMIL lives in Puerto Rico and my FH only really speaks to her once every 2 weeks or so. Being that I'm rarely in Puerto Rico I really spoken to her much about the wedding details. Our wedding is still a year and a half away so i'm hoping to include her more when it gets closer to but i've already decided on the date, RH, photographer and ordered my dress all with the help of my mother and FH. It's kind of hard being that I live in NY and she lives in PR. I did however ask her about the date and if that works for most people and she said its fine. Being that I'm not in P.R. and that my FH doesn't talk to his mom very often, is it ok to e-mail her to ask her opinion on things and for invite list or should I call her when it gets closer to the date? She's a very relaxed person and i dont think she'd have a problem with me planning most of the things. I'm not even sure how to go about finding out if they are willing to pay for anything. Hopefully I'll be able to get down to PR sometime in the next year but until then I feel sort of awkward with all this. Anyone else in the situation where your futrue in-laws live far away or you dont really communicate much with them?

Summertimegal424 Posted: May 30, 2009 03:04 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

we have NOOOO help from FH's family, my parents are taking care of everything

LaBellaVita622 Posted: May 30, 2009 03:40 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

i second that..fh's parents moved to florida almost 2 years ago..& as of now I don't think they are helping with anything..I don't want this to come out nasty but if they aren't contributing then I don't think you have to clear anything with them ya know? I mean of course discuss things your doing but I don't think that you need to clear every little detail :)

asg450 Posted: May 30, 2009 03:44 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

I think if you want to email her once in a while about wedding things it should be fine.

Our parents are hosting the wedding so they are paying for the majority of things. Whenever we see a vendor we discuss it with our parents on whether the price is reasonable, etc.

MrsGRod09 Posted: May 30, 2009 03:54 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

M FMIL is not involved at all and she lives relatively close just the next borough over. If you want you could email your FMIL regarding your guestlist.

drivwal Posted: May 30, 2009 04:02 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

i would just give her a call. puerto rican people are super friendly...i promise (i'm puerto rican haha) ok ok...now seriously, I think you should call her about plans and opinions because that will make her feel more included since its more personal

Lsorrent Posted: May 30, 2009 05:46 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My FIL's are pretty involved, and FMIL is trying to be involved yet trying not to intrude too much. My FIL's are paying for the HM, so they'll be very involved with that, and FMIL is always asking about how the planning is going. I've also invited her to come BM dress shopping on Tuesday and told her she can come to my first fitting when my gown comes in. I had also originally asked them to talk to their church for us....but things with that fell through. But she was flattered that I asked. When FH and I went to go give our deposit to our RH, we invited his parents and siblings to come along.

I've been trying to keep them pretty involved, as FH is the first one in his family to get married and they're really excited. But they're certainly not as involved a my parents, especially my mother.

MrsDR2010 Posted: May 30, 2009 09:33 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My FMIL is very involved when it comes to the DJ, photo and video because she is paying for it. It's a pain in the butt to try and find AWESOME vendors on a serious budget that won't make her think I'm nuts for wanting vendors that are $$$$$. My parents are more involoved in the hall as they are paying for that. I think its usually the bride's family that are more involved because it' usually all about the

springsandra Posted: May 30, 2009 10:39 PM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My FMIL lives in NC and emails me a lot or chats with me on facebook, but has had no input into the wedding at all. I don't think she thinks she needs to. She asks me how it's going but never once offered to help at all, and it's fine. She doesn't feel like she's missing out. She's definitely just going to be a guest at her son's wedding. But that's cool.

I saw the dress she got and it is fine. That's pretty much it.

If your FMIL is ok with not being involved, you don't have to include her if it's not practical. That's IMO.

Watever143 Posted: May 31, 2009 07:36 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My fmil didn't even get a dress yet and wedding in 27 days. That's all I have to say

Watever143 Posted: May 31, 2009 07:40 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

Please answer me this... Why just bc fmil is the groom side do they not want to be involved I mean she is a girl and what girl wouldn't be excited about there wedding it is there sons wedding also..I dno about any of you girls but if I have a boy I would love to be involved in the planning

angelatp Posted: May 31, 2009 07:46 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

FH's parents are both decease, so that is something I have no clue about. IMO I would call her to get her opinion on things. It's a great way of getting to know her a bit. It'll also make her feel important in your planning. Good luck.

GR2010 Posted: May 31, 2009 09:18 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

We're getting no help from his family and they are in another state so I involve them at a minimum. When we book a few new things I will send his mother an email just to update her but I don't call...and I kind of slowed the emails down when she started trying to dictate things to us... why no church, you really have to get a priest! You need to invite all of these people... Why an afternoon, why not at night? So I got tired of explaining myself (where they are from weddings are in fire halls or VFWs so price doesn't really factor in with the decisions...) and then after my mom and I invited her to go dress shopping and she kind of got her back and up and asked WHY would I go dress shopping in NEW YORK??? So at that point I was like forget it. She'll get information on a need to know basis.

My situation is a little different from yours...your FMIL seems much more laid back about the whole thing (must be nice!!!!)... I'm sure she wouldn't care that you are taking care of the planning and probably would just appreicate the updates!!!!

chicky724 Posted: May 31, 2009 09:31 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

FIL's are helping us out a LOT so they've been somewhat involved, but in a good way! There are actually times when I wish they would give us their 'real' opinion but they keep telling us that it's our wedding and we should do what we want, not what they want. Which is really nice, I just want to make sure I'm not secretly p1ssing them off!

TheFutureMrsPM Posted: May 31, 2009 10:12 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

So far the only thing my FILS have given me is a headach lol so I am trying to keep there involvment minimal. They think it is their time to shine but are not giving any $.

valthom426 Posted: May 31, 2009 10:19 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My now MIL lives in Massachusetts and I would just send her updates via email, especially if they were groom and family related. She was very supportive of everything we did and gave us input only when we asked. She was also much more supportive $$$ which we didn't count on but was a HUGE help. She really came through for us in all ways, I consider myself very lucky.

Considering your situation, since she does use her email, I bet she would be fine with email updates. Maybe it would be nice for you to send her some photos of when your FH tried on some tuxes too and a photos of your sample center pieces. So she knows what's happening and feels like she's in the loop.

valthom426 Posted: May 31, 2009 10:22 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

Posted by GinaRandy2010

... and then after my mom and I invited her to go dress shopping and she kind of got her back and up and asked WHY would I go dress shopping in NEW YORK???

Wow, that was really nice of you. Too bad she was too short sighted at the time, to see how much you included her and be grateful for it.

mosh424 Posted: May 31, 2009 10:35 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

FIL's are not paying for anything but the RD and our HM but that was my parents choice. I am however involving FMIL in a lot because I have a great relationship with her, and want her to be involved. On certain things tho like my gown I brought her to see it after I chose it so it was just my mom and I

Cassie15 Posted: May 31, 2009 10:48 AM

Re: How Involved are your FMILs?

My FMIL wasn't involved in the wedding planning but a few family members contributed with the small details (wedding programs, etc.). MIL gave us a loan for the RH since we couldn't afford to pay for everything by ourselves. Most of the time, It's usually the bride and the family that does most of the wedding planning. It sounds absolutely fine what you are doing and it doesn't look like you're leaving her out of your wedding. As long as she gets the updates and whereabouts that's fine since she lives in PR.