How to discuss finance with parents

Hello Ladies,

My FH and I will be discussing wedding finance with both his parents and mine over breakfast.....my question is what is the proper way of starting this topic? I know tradionally the Bride's family pays for the majority of the wedding....that is not the case with my wedding....My FH and I would like both his parents and mine to contribute equally.....How can this be done?

Q

any response will be greatly appreciated.....

Are you planning on paying for any part of the wedding? I would sit down and hash out just how much you think it will cost before you sit down with the folks.

Are you surprised that they haven't offered yet? These days a lot of people pay for their own weddings or have some help from parents if the financial situation is good enough.

What's your expectation?

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Posted by carlsbride

I think you should probaby just assume that you and FI will pay for everything until someone offers to help. Sorry I don't have a suggestion on how to ask them for money, good luck.

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I have to agree. DH and I make a pretty good living and could have afforded to pay for our wedding on our own. In fact, that's what we assumed would be the case. Especially since we are also both 'older' (when I say older, I mean over 30), and pretty well established financially. It was a pleasent surprise when our parents offered to split the cost of the wedding between them. We did pay for all of the 'other' stuff.

I guess it was different for DH and I b/c both our parents offered to contribute up front. My parents offered a lot more than his mom did.

we told them that we would let them know after we start planning. after we booked a few vendors and the hall, we told them that X amount would be appreciated. they both would have given more if we asked, but we wanted control, so we settled on a lesser amount for them to contribute.

at the end of the day, our parents contributed 20%-25% of the total cost.

Well....

Both parents said that they would contribute....
My parents are not together so my father said that he would help us....My mother said that she would help too

FMIL & FFIL said that they would help.....

As far as my FH and I we plan on contributing as well....

I guess I'm wondering if everyone should just take a task....i don't know

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Posted by carlsbride

I think you should probaby just assume that you and FI will pay for everything until someone offers to help. Sorry I don't have a suggestion on how to ask them for money, good luck.

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I agree. DH and I paid for our wedding entirely because we did not want our parents to. However, both parents gave us monetary gifts after the wedding. Sorry that I cannot give you any suggestion on how to ask for money in a tactful way.

We planned our wedding based that FI & I were paying for the whole thing. When my parents and his parents approached us on how they could contribute, we asked them to split the cost of the reception equally.

As far as you going to your parents and FI's parents and bringing the topic up, I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice. I think it would be best to wait and see if they approach you offering to contribute. You can't assume in 2006 that anyone but you will pay for your wedding.

Since everyone had offered to help you can now feel free to ask more pointed questions.

Work out a tentative budget -- there are several tools to help you. Meet with your parents and say FI and I have started thinking about interviewing some vendors and we want to know what you can help with.

Don't demand anything.

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Posted by qdavis

Well....

Both parents said that they would contribute....
My parents are not together so my father said that he would help us....My mother said that she would help too

FMIL & FFIL said that they would help.....

As far as my FH and I we plan on contributing as well....

I guess I'm wondering if everyone should just take a task....i don't know

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That being said, I honestly think you should ask them to split the reception equally - they're basically paying for the plate of their guests. That's how we did it.

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Posted by qdavis

Well....

Both parents said that they would contribute....
My parents are not together so my father said that he would help us....My mother said that she would help too

FMIL & FFIL said that they would help.....

As far as my FH and I we plan on contributing as well....

I guess I'm wondering if everyone should just take a task....i don't know

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you and your FH need to decide how much you both can afford. then take a stab at estimating how much the whole thing will cost and go from there.

good luck!

Thanks....ladies

You all have been a big help....

Q

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by qdavis

Well....

Both parents said that they would contribute....
My parents are not together so my father said that he would help us....My mother said that she would help too

FMIL & FFIL said that they would help.....

As far as my FH and I we plan on contributing as well....

I guess I'm wondering if everyone should just take a task....i don't know

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you and your FH need to decide how much you both can afford. then take a stab at estimating how much the whole thing will cost and go from there.

good luck!

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I agree with this. Decide on what you can come up with first. Ask your parents what they had in mind. They must have an idea if they have offered already. They have opened the door already-ball is in your court. They are just waiting for you.

After they tell you how much money they will contribute, then you can add it to your amount and then decide on how big of a wedding you can have and what price range you will be in for everything.

In my case everyone is contributing.

My dad had said that everything should be split in half between him and FFIL even though I'm having less guests than him. But I couldnt put that on him, my dad isn't able to do that and I wasn't about to have him take out loans and go into debt, just to give me a wedding.

FFIL has been kind enough to cover all of FH's guests. FH is contributing what he can and i'm going to cover my guests and my dad is paying for the vendors and my dress which I'm trying to keep as low as possible. So far I've managed to stick to budget. Hoping it stays this way.

What I would do is discuss with your FH first what you can contribute financially(if you are both contributing) then work from there and see what the parents can do. I think you should have the meeting with both sets of parents separately.

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Posted by qdavis

Well....

Both parents said that they would contribute....
My parents are not together so my father said that he would help us....My mother said that she would help too

FMIL & FFIL said that they would help.....

As far as my FH and I we plan on contributing as well....

I guess I'm wondering if everyone should just take a task....i don't know

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I think that would be a good idea.

I think if you just take a dollar amount offered you won't have to give up control about the venue, the guest list or any of the vendors. I don't agree that it should be paying for a particular vendor or 116 guests...etc..that is just asking for aggravation. Get the money and use it as you need to for whatever.

If you really want to start the topic, which I don't recommend, my suggestion would be for you & FH to sit down together and work out a budget that assumes both parents will contribute NOTHING. Then sit down with them and go over it. Ask them if they think it is reasonable etc. Explain where you get your numbers, how you are saving money (DIY invites or whatever), and where you feel you don't want to penny pinch (photo and video).

I don't know if anyone in either family has been married recently, so I don't know if either set of parents understands the cost of a wedding on LI these days. You might want to ask your mom (or his, or both) to come look at reception halls with you, so they see first hand how expensive it can be, before you have a financial discussion.