how would you deal with this friend

Okay, so the ring isn't here yet, so there is no official announcement of our engagement among family and friends. (It will be coming with the 'official' proposal in a couple of weeks and then we'll make the big announcement)

Last night, I was on the phone with a VERY close friend of mine... She has been dating this guy for 5 or 6 years, and they're both approaching 30 years old. Now, I don't really know the PC way to say this - or how to really get my message across without telling the whole story... but basically, this guy has been making up excuses for 3 years now about why they cannot get engaged / married, yet. I won't go into details, but if I were to tell the entire story, it'd be painfully obvious that he's just making up excuses -- and poor ones at that. He's even lied to her about job things to make up his excuses. At any rate, she's itching for a ring (has been for years), and unfortunately I don't believe it's ever coming.

Now, I'm NOT looking for advice on how to deal with that. I already know there is NOTHING I can say to make her see what's really going on (tried gently - and that won't work)... She needs to realize it for herself. I just need to be supportive, and I have been.

BUT... we were talking last night and weddings came up, and she flat out asked me (a bit defensively), 'You guys aren't talking about getting married, are you?' (Mind you, FH and I live together, so this should not be a shock) Now, I knew she'd have a problem with this. Her reaction when I said FH and I were moving in together when we first decided was, 'Geeze, you're going to get married before I am' and 'I wish my boyfriend and I could afford to do that.' (Both live at home...) She did congratulate me, but still. Anyway, I figured I'd give her a bit of a heads up that we were planning to get married next year before FH goes back to school and my parents retire / move...

Her reaction? 'Wow... you're going to be engaged before I am.' So I just said, 'Well, there are worse things...' Then she goes '[Other single friend of ours] will probably be engaged before me, too!' When I was single and she was obviously still dating this same guy, she used to talk about our other friend who was dating this guy -- saying things like, 'I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I'm not having her get engaged/married before me!' She has this sense of entitlement b/c she's been with her boyfriend so long that she deserves to be the first to be married.

Now, I can sympathize with how she feels - I really can. It's a sucky situation, and her boyfriend really is stringing her along... and she's unhappy, and I can't make that better. I would like to think if she were truly happy with him, she'd be more confident in their relationship and less... uh... crazy about the whole engagement thing.

But this is a VERY close friend of mine - and anything other than wedding / engagement related stuff is totally wonderful. We keep our horses at the same barn, talk all the time, etc. She didn't even congratulate me!

This is someone I very much want to be in my wedding party and help with the planning... but I cannot put up with the attitude if it's going to continue... I'm giving it time to blow over. I know not everyone in the world will find my wedding as exciting as I do... but I would hope she can at least be happy for me!

I have other friends who have been 'husband shopping' (lol - yes, we joke about this) and not having much luck, and I KNOW they'll be the most supportive and happy for me...

So how do I deal with this friend? I don't at all want to say anything about her relationship with her boyfriend - not my place... Should I wait it out - see what her reaction is when it's official, and hope she just deals with it?

Clearly, I can't say anything at this point... but what do I do if she continues on this way as I'm making wedding plans?

She really is a good friend... but when it comes to engagement / marriage, she gets crazy!

Sorry... just had to vent.

If this were a few years ago you could have been posting about me!

I've been with FH for a long time, and when we were together about 3.5/4 years there was no proposal in sight. My best friend met a guy and within 5 months they were engaged, and 10 months after that they were married. I was in her bridal party and everything, and during her engagement FH and I got engaged and then broke it off. (we are now re-engaged and very happy but thats neither here nor there) The point is, that even though I was soooo happy for my friend, when I did find out it was really really hard to not be frustrated at my own situation. I'd like to think that I tried to hide that from her as much as I could but I am sure she was feeling the same way you do.

My advice is to see how things go. If you are really close friends she will pull herself together and have the sense to help you plan and enjoy your time. Maybe just be slightly sensitive to her situation, but I am sure that she doesn't want to be a downer any more than you want her to be.

Hope that helps!

That helps a lot. I appreciate your perspective!

Thank you.

Ok so I was not in the same situation but one of my friends was upset with me when he told me that he and his gf were getting engaged. He hadn't bought the ring yet and told me. So I asked when and we talked about other things. Then he told me a few weeks later that he was upset with me that I hadn't congratulate him.

I was shocked. I didn't congratulate him b/c I didn't know what I was congratulating, congrats that you are ready and thinking about it? Well it turns out that yes that was exactly what he wanted. I felt kind of bad but not totally because I think that congrats come when it happens. Don't get me wrong I was happy for him but not congrats happy.

She may just be dealing with it now before it is real. Give her some time and don't be upset that ppl arent happy about something you are fh are talking about. She may be stupid like me and think that you are talking about it and so can she. When it happens she could very well turn out to be your biggest supporter.

To be clear, I'm not upset she didn't congratulate me. I'm upset that whenever something good happens b/w me and FH, her reaction is always 'I should have done that first.' Fine, it's fine for her to feel that way, but she is sort of trying to make me feel bad about good things in my life. Mind you, I was single for a looooooong time. I'm not rubbing this in anyone's face. I was excited about it, and I thought she'd be able to be happy for me.

Maybe I'm worried about it before it's anything, but she did the same thing when we started dating and the same thing when we moved in together. It's not that I don't understand how she feels - it's that I don't understand why she can't be happy for me, too. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself... but we picked out the ring already and it's coming the end of next week... I just figured I'd say something now when she gave me an opportunity rather than be really disappointed by her reaction when I'm all excited that I just got the ring.

Anyway... just venting here b/c I'd never say anything to her about it. I'm just pretty positive it's going to be comments like this throughout the whole engagement / wedding planning process... I have a huge guilt complex, and I don't want to get to the point that her comments make me feel guilty for being happy.

Trust me, I DO understand how badly she wants to get engaged / married... but I personally don't understand the 'If I don't have X, I don't want you to have it either!' mentality... at least not among friends.

Like I said, I know no one in the world is going to be as excited about this as I am... but I'd like to think that my friends would at least be happy for me. I don't want to try to keep dropping hints b/c then I feel like I'm just rubbing it in her face. I think I'll drop it until the ring comes...

Oh well... sorry to be such a downer today, ladies! I guess I knew this was coming. I just don't want to make her feel bad... but at the same time, I don't want to have to censor my happiness b/c it might make her feel bad... I guess I will around her, though. I'm not trying to rub it in.

Edited to remove quote.

One of my best friends is exactly how you are describing your friend. I am super close with this girl and it seems that she feels (and has said so although not in a outright rude tone) that she should be the one getting married. She is a few years older then I am, and I am sure like most people she sees herself in such a way that she seems almost better then me. Yet I am the one in love and getting married when she just has bad luck with men (which is another story). Although I know deep down inside she is happy for me , she does tend to ruin a lot of things as far as wdding planning-she herself is not plnning a wedding so somethings she just does not get, she has never offered to go to anything wedding related with or even help out with anything at all. She is actually the only girl in the BP that had nothing nice to say about the dresses that they picked out. She did not one thing for the shower-and at the shower just talked about leaving and going to atlantic city, and failed miserably in planning the BP party which my MOH took over...

Do I love her yes...is she too much at times yes...if you already know what this girl is like in terms of her feelings that she should be the first one-then just know she isnot going to be what yuo want from someone in your BP-her intentions will be good but her aggravation will shine through....I live it everyday...

I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean for that to sound bad. I really meant that sometimes ppl are not sensitive to others, like me in that situation.

But now that I fully understand, are you friends with my sister? She has been that way since fh and I got engaged. I would wait and see if it gets better. With my sister I told her that she was making it hard for me to enjoy my engagement because of her attitute and it stoped. She didn't even realize that her comments about her own situation were a downer on my happiness. It you come to that point then tell her whats going on.

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Posted by GabrielleandJohn

I am sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean for that to sound bad. I really meant that sometimes ppl are not sensitive to others, like me in that situation.

But now that I fully understand, are you friends with my sister? She has been that way since fh and I got engaged. I would wait and see if it gets better. With my sister I told her that she was making it hard for me to enjoy my engagement because of her attitute and it stoped. She didn't even realize that her comments about her own situation were a downer on my happiness. It you come to that point then tell her whats going on.

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Oh, you didn't upset me at all!

I really appreciated your comments!

I think I just needed to vent today... I'm trying to be sensitive to her feelings -- and I think venting here will help me do that... It's just that I am preparing for the worst. I just want to enjoy it all without feeling like I'm making other people fell bad. If it continues as we plan the wedding, I'll say something. It's not that I don't love her... It's that I deserve to enjoy this whole process without someone else making me feel bad about it.

But I do appreciate your comments. I need the other perspective - b/c I only have mine!!

Wow, sounds like someone we know but thankfully not a close friend.

I'd have to confront her about it since this is obviously not the first or last time she will make it known that she should have been the first to do whatever . Next it will be getting married and then she should have had children with her would-be husband first.

I don't get the sense of entitlement that she should be engaged first since she has been with her boyfriend longer than you have been with your FH It's probably not a good idea to point out that you think he's stringing her along and probably won't ever marry her though.

The person we know was with her boyfriend for a few years before DH and I even met. She was livid when we got engaged and even more so when we got married. She resolved her issues about us getting engaged and married first by getting married last month although, as of our wedding date a few months ago, they were not even engaged and had adamantly said they did not want to get married.

I have seen this situation. You can ty and convince your friend, but ultimately she will have to see the truth. When she realizes he is never going to propose, she will find the strength to leave him.

There is nothing you can do but be supportive.

Now, that being said, I would talk to her honestly about how you feel. When you guys are officially engaged, then I would approach her about being in the wedding and tell her that only encouragment is what you want from her-no negativity. This is not a lot to ask, especially since she is a very close friend. Good luck.

May be there is no engagement in sight and he puts it off because he feels pressured and he'd like to do it when it is THEIR 'right time'

if she brings up 'stuff' tell her your right time will come... and if she keeps it up i would calmly talk to her about how uncomfortable you feel that you can not share your happyness with her (your friend) becuase she is so focused on not having 'first' and she should focus on it happening when it is 'right'...

Some peoples right time is a few weeks, some are just never and some people are better off together and not married... she should be happy to have her boyfriend in her life... someone announcing you as mr and mrs, and a legal piece of paper really should NOT signify the importance of one's relationship... some people married are married for legal/$ reasons and not the right reasons... this is just my opinion...

Good luck!

I can sympathize with you but also with her.

It is possible that she is just using that whole 'youa re going to be engaged before me' thing as a way to vent her frustration with her BF not getting her a ring.

I know I must have said that a few times (but meant no harm towards the people iI said it to) I waited 7 1/2 years.. mainly for him to finish his docotorate. But I waited, and it hurts when you love someone so much and you want to be with them forever and to see people around you who may have not been with their man for very long getting engaged and you are still waiting. Now my situation was different. You are saying that this guy may never propose and is stringing her along. But it is still possible that she just doesn't want to face the facts and that she is just saying things like that to vent and to have a friend console her about it.

Good luck, jut be a friend and just let it go if you can. She is just hurt by him.. not by your successes

i just have one thing to say, if you don't think she can be supportive and sincerely happy for you, then don't feel obligated to ask her to be in your bridal party.

Asking her to be a bridesmaid is like rubbing it more in her face that you're engaged and she's not. Especially since as a bridesmaid you two are going talking alot about the wedding.

I would nicely say to her if she gets nutty on you again, are you NOT happy for me? You are my friend and I would think that you would be

And that might make her see how she is acting. I have a friend like that too and its just something that you really cant do anything about without getting upset about it. People have been together ALOT longer and not gotten married-it will happen for her (maybe not with this guy) but it will and thats all that I would say to her. If she cant be happy for you then I wouldnt talk to her about it.

Good Luck