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I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Original post by LisaJill

Thread views: 3,306

Ok, I need to vent (yet again). Every year, thanksgiving is the biggest fight we have. My family has done thanksgiving every year and it is the only time that most of my family comes together. This year there will be 20 people from my family, including both my grandparents that aren't in the best health and it is my grandma's 82nd birthday. Every year his mom has thanksgiving. The people there are his two siblings, their spouses and his grandparents. Bear in mind, they all live within a 10 mile radius and we are ALWAYS with them.. we just saw them last week and we will be spending all of x-mas with his family (i am jewish). I am soo mad that he can't give in and be a man and do something for his bride. This is important to me. This year would be soo nice, my cousins will be there and I haven't seen them in two years, and everyone will be so happy for me because I am getting married, and my sister is pregnant. It is just such a happy occasion and I don't want to go to his family... always the same people and the food stinks (LOL). He wants us to split dinner and desert. I want to sing happy birthday to my grandma.. and we are gonna see his WHOLE family Dec 24, 25 and 26!!! (aside from last weekend, next weekend, etc. etc.) I am just livid that he isn't willing to sacrifice it for me. I am so mad. Now we aren't speaking, we were supposed to have plans for today and he just walked out. I don't understand why we should spend thanksgiving with the same 8 people (and it is DEPRESSING), instead of at an entire family reunion. I can't believe he won't give in for me. I am so hurt.

melissa8781 Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

my DH's family is in Turkey so we wont be splitting holidays I get why your FH is mad. You spending xmas at his familys doesn't mean all that much because you don't celebrate that holiday. But you both celebrate thanksgiving. Try to look at it from their point of view. Imagine FH was jewish and you celebrated both jewish and thanksgiving at your family's house. That's how he's feelin. But I think your point is you just want to see your family because their is a big get-together..i think you need to explain that to FH, that it's not about the holidays but that you just want to see your family. Otherwise I would just split up this year, and try to plan the big get-together next year on another holiday..like your birthday!! GL

Marie0157 Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

If marriage is about compromise doesn't it work both ways and if you can't believe he won't do this for you, maybe he can't believe you won't do this for him. Seems like he is willing to compromise by saying lets split dinner and desert.

Faith Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

I'm really sorry, sweetie. I totally see your point. I hope FH comes to his senses and sends you some flowers today or something. Don't worry, things will work out.

justshir Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

oh no! so sorry! this is always a problem with hub and i. our solution... i go to my fam's and he go to his. i'm not a fan of my in-laws so it's not a surprise. but in retrospect.. it doesn't seem ideal. you know what i mean. i really hope you and your fh can work this out. is it possible to have an early appearance at your in-laws and then go to your folks'? egoes will be crushed but tough cookies. from what you've written i really hope you get to spend some time with your fam. stay calm.

LisaJill Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Posted by justshir

oh no! so sorry! this is always a problem with hub and i. our solution... i go to my fam's and he go to his. i'm not a fan of my in-laws so it's not a surprise. but in retrospect.. it doesn't seem ideal. you know what i mean. i really hope you and your fh can work this out. is it possible to have an early appearance at your in-laws and then go to your folks'? egoes will be crushed but tough cookies. from what you've written i really hope you get to spend some time with your fam. stay calm.

We spoke some more and it turns out that his mom is only having his brother for thanksgiving. His grandparents are going somewhere else and his sister is splitting. I get that he feels bad cause there will be TWO people at his mom's house, but his mom is not a very likeable person and this is going to be a problem for years. I mean, she has NO where to go... she does not have ONE friend. Seriously. I don't want to carry her as as kind of, and I hate to say this, a burden, for the rest of my life. She had her chance at life, and this is mine. I did tell him that he is more than welcome to go to her for dessert because I felt that the majority of you did think that it was ok to split up for the holiday. It bothers me, because his mom doesn't like me and I feel like she is getting her way by just seeing him, but this is giving me a headache and our fighting has gotten horrific (as of two nights ago he had demanded the return of his ring -- he is now apologetic but I can't even deal!).

Thank you everyone for all of your imput. I am gonna see if I can do it your way and I hope all of you have a very wonderful holiday!!!!!!

LaurenluvsTJ Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

FH's parents live upstate, so we can't do the dinner/desert split thing. He decided on his own, without me asking him to, that he will spend Thanksgiving on LI with my family. We will go upstate for Christmas with his family. My family also doesn't celebrate christmas, so its not really a big deal for me. We also go up there for Easter. Because Thanksgiving and Christmas are so close together, I think that they are good holidays to split up. If you live close together though, I don't see any reason you can't spend part of the day with your family and part of the day with his. You are getting married, and once that happens you really can't split up for the holidays. Maybe after this holiday season is over, the two of you can sit down and work out a plan for how you will spend holidays in the future. Without the pressure of it happening right at the moment, you can talk camly about it. Then next year when this time rolls around, remember the plan you made, and stick to it.

justshir Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

LisaJill Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Posted by justshir

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

Absolutely not. She has massive control issues and she is very intimidated by my family. She even canceled the meet the parents brunch i had scheduled... for no reason.

justshir Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

Posted by LisaJill

Posted by justshir

since there's only a couple of ppl at your future MIL's for thanksgiving would you and your fam mind having her at your fam's for dinner? i had my hub's parents come by for a big dinner one time and my MIL for the very first time seem nice. she wasn't screaming at her husband as she usually does when she's in her own element (at her own house). you think your future MIL would be okay with nixing her own dinner?

Absolutely not. She has massive control issues and she is very intimidated by my family. She even canceled the meet the parents brunch i had scheduled... for no reason.

ugh! so sorry, gal! i hope you and your fh can parade through this. your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL. i told my hub that there's no way i'm ever going to his mother's for dinner or anything (hub understands. he's not too crazy about her himself). the girl cannot cook, the house is always dirty. she even made the comment that maybe her new daughter in-laws should clean up for her. i did clean her house maybe once or twice but really.. why should i?? with all the problems i have with my MIL... would you seriously want to go through what i'm going through? i should listen to myself sometimes but i feel it's too late to correct things. maybe when we have a fam of our own she'll come around. you're not married to your fh, yet. if you could, just try to make more of an effort to seek some sort of truce. i'm not saying give in .. but someone has to. much love to you for the holidays!

PrincessRose Thread views: 3,306

Re: I am soooo mad at FH!!! Thanksgiving family issues

We have compromised in our house, since we're both the same religion. We spend Thanksgiving one year with my family, and the next with his, and so on.

Last year we spent it with his family. It was honestly the *WORST* Thanksgiving of my life. Seriously. My Grandmother may have been insufferable, but at least she was a good cook. MIL made such an awful dinner that I left hungry. After dinner, I got to sit through *3 hours* of MIL asking BIL what he wanted for Chanukah (Hmmm, son, you already have a car, a computer, a bunch of great clothes, and we pay for you to go to an Ivy League institution so you'll never have student loans, maybe you'd like an I-Pod? Well, Mom, I already have an MP3 player...) without ever once acknowledging that I was in the room.

The next day we went to NJ for leftovers at my Uncle's house. It helped make up for it. This year it'll be with my family, but I'm in for it next year at the ILs.

Here's my advice: Enjoy being unmarried this year and go without him if he won't go. As to his Mom, well, I chose to marry DH, not MIL. DH doesn't like her any more than I do, so we see her minimally.