I can't help but I ask why??????
Hey girls,
This post is really long but I just needed to share my hurt and sadness. I just want to know why? I recently lost a patient who had struggled for 7 months and I am really angry because I just can’t see the point of it all. This has made me question the one above and life in general. I will remember the day as if it was yesterday April 29th 2006, for it was one of my most emotional times as a physician on call. I remember receiving the page and getting the consult “18y/o status post gun shot to neck” It was early Saturday morning. I remember thinking to myself “Okay 18y/o, male, Philly, Friday night... probably at a club blaaablaaa” Then I meant this young man and his mother. I remember introducing myself and I remember his face, his fear, his confusion. But the most extraordinary thing I remember was that he was not as scared of the fact that he could feel nothing below his chest and was only able to move his elbows, his fear was that he may have died while in the car at the moment he was shot in the back of his neck and would have left his mother, blaming herself for not taking him home with her from his cousin’s baby shower rather than allowing him to go with his best friend. This was a young man who was a high school scholar was just award a full scholarship to college a star in track and soccer, extremely spiritual. A young man, that by the unfortunate event of being at the wrong place at the wrong time was now laying in a bed unable to feel over move anything.. A man that at that moment that I evaluating him, would have been participating in the Penn relays. I remember his tears, his anguish and fear. I remember his mother’s face, her hurt, her tears as she tried to hold them back and keep telling her son “It will be okay, be strong, I am right here”. I remember my eyes begining to water up as I tried to keep my composure, as i am right now while I sit here writing this post. I remember thinking to myself “What can I say to make things better, I know the prognosis, I know the chances aren’t good, Okay he will probably regain some use of his arms, but what else can I really say???” As emotional and hard it was I do remember that as I left the room some was evoked.. Something I said worked.. They were satisfied and were not ready to give up hope. I followed this patient and continued to have hope, for this patient was so strong.. He and his family were so willing to fight through it. I figured he may be given a second chance.. At least I hope he would. But it seemed that the harder they would tri=y, the harder it would get, he was never given an inch. Rather than improving he ascending to the point where he could no longer feel or move anything below his chin and required a ventilator. But despite this he never gave up hope. He struggled for 7 months, never leaving the hospital, in and out of the ICU/NICU and finally succumbed on 10/31/06. And now I ask why???? What was the purpose of this struggle? Why did he have to suffer to only be taken away in the end? What was the point??? Why did he have to see himself go from being completely able to unable to do anything for himself; why did he have to know that he would never be able to enjoy those intimacy that we so take for granted.... cleaning oneself, dressing oneself, feeding oneself, going to the bathroom oneself, making love....why????? What was learned by this all..? Why did a family have to suffer so much???? And why was it such a good person chosen???? I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. And I question it all!!!!
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This post is really long but I just needed to share my hurt and sadness. I just want to know why? I recently lost a patient who had struggled for 7 months and I am really angry because I just can’t see the point of it all. This has made me question the one above and life in general. I will remember the day as if it was yesterday April 29th 2006, for it was one of my most emotional times as a physician on call. I remember receiving the page and getting the consult “18y/o status post gun shot to neck” It was early Saturday morning. I remember thinking to myself “Okay 18y/o, male, Philly, Friday night... probably at a club blaaablaaa” Then I meant this young man and his mother. I remember introducing myself and I remember his face, his fear, his confusion. But the most extraordinary thing I remember was that he was not as scared of the fact that he could feel nothing below his chest and was only able to move his elbows, his fear was that he may have died while in the car at the moment he was shot in the back of his neck and would have left his mother, blaming herself for not taking him home with her from his cousin’s baby shower rather than allowing him to go with his best friend. This was a young man who was a high school scholar was just award a full scholarship to college a star in track and soccer, extremely spiritual. A young man, that by the unfortunate event of being at the wrong place at the wrong time was now laying in a bed unable to feel over move anything.. A man that at that moment that I evaluating him, would have been participating in the Penn relays. I remember his tears, his anguish and fear. I remember his mother’s face, her hurt, her tears as she tried to hold them back and keep telling her son “It will be okay, be strong, I am right here”. I remember my eyes begining to water up as I tried to keep my composure, as i am right now while I sit here writing this post. I remember thinking to myself “What can I say to make things better, I know the prognosis, I know the chances aren’t good, Okay he will probably regain some use of his arms, but what else can I really say???” As emotional and hard it was I do remember that as I left the room some was evoked.. Something I said worked.. They were satisfied and were not ready to give up hope. I followed this patient and continued to have hope, for this patient was so strong.. He and his family were so willing to fight through it. I figured he may be given a second chance.. At least I hope he would. But it seemed that the harder they would tri=y, the harder it would get, he was never given an inch. Rather than improving he ascending to the point where he could no longer feel or move anything below his chin and required a ventilator. But despite this he never gave up hope. He struggled for 7 months, never leaving the hospital, in and out of the ICU/NICU and finally succumbed on 10/31/06. And now I ask why???? What was the purpose of this struggle? Why did he have to suffer to only be taken away in the end? What was the point??? Why did he have to see himself go from being completely able to unable to do anything for himself; why did he have to know that he would never be able to enjoy those intimacy that we so take for granted.... cleaning oneself, dressing oneself, feeding oneself, going to the bathroom oneself, making love....why????? What was learned by this all..? Why did a family have to suffer so much???? And why was it such a good person chosen???? I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. And I question it all!!!!
