Ok- here's the situation. My FH and I wanted to do a joint bachelor/ette party and planned it out and 11 of our 12 ppl finally said yes (after changing the dates around a few times). Anyway, that's kind of irrelevant I guess but I called the last BM this morning and she left me a message this evening to call her back so I did. I told her the day/date and time and where it would be and she just kept saying 'UUH- UUM- uuh...' like she was stalling to figure out an answer. She then wanted to know when it was, why we were doing it, who was going to be there, how much it would cost, etc... and then said 'I think I'll pass- maybe next time'. Maybe next time? How many bachelor/ette parties does she think we're planning on having??!?!? That was just kind of the straw that broke the camels back. She's the only one in our BP that didn't show up to our engagement party b/c the invitation 'got lost in the mail' and never made it to her (even though my mom called her) and she's done nothing but ignore my calls and take forever to get back to me and be negative and BLAH about EVERYTHING. I don't know what to do b/c I'm a COWARD (and I can admit it) when it comes to telling people how I feel but I just don't know what to do anymore. I was just crying for the past hour and a half and I can't sleep so I figured I'd turn to 'my brides' (and grooms). I know some of you have had some similar situations and thought maybe you could enlighten me. If nothing else, thanks for 'listening'- sorry it's so long.
valentinesbride
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
All, I could say , is that's awful ! What I have learned, is that we each have our own value system. This girl obviously doesn't value, the fact that you have invited her twice to events that only people who are special to you are invited to you. She has declined both times. She is obviously, unreliable. If I was you, I would really evaluate the reasons she is even in your bridal party.....and even more so , why you consider her a friend. I would tell her, that you are hurt. That having your friends around you during this time, this important milestone, makes it more enjoyable,memorable and easier....her not being there, has left you to question, how much she is supporting you. Would losing her as a friend, matter ? She doesn't seem to be playing much of an active role in your life ....I definitely would talk to her.....I know how you feel, I chose two girls to be in my bridal party and I have been disappointed as well. Her, attitude stinks, she is treating your bachelorette party like it's a casual , night out to starbucks....That lack of effort, is hurtful...Let me know what happens...
SReidy
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Thanks. I hope your wedding goes wonderfully!! I'm so glad that you're supposed to get a good weekend!! She has been my friend since BEFORE I can remember- our brothers were friends (they're 6 years older than us) and she's older than me and I'm guessing she's hurt that I'm getting married first. I just wish she'd be honest with me instead of dancing around like this because it's really hurting me and I just feel awful now. Thanks for the advice- I know I'm going to have to get up the courage to confront her. I just don't know how- but I'll have to.
valentinesbride
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Thank you for the wedding wishes.....why don't you, turn it on her. Call her up and ask her how she is....ask her if everything is ok ...that you are concerned about her...since it's not like her to 'pass' on things....if you put it on her, and not complain, she cant' be defensive. Friends do drift apart at times....but enjoy your bachelorette/bachelor party, ....don't take it personally, she obviously is clueless this is bothering you.
MrHostility
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
I know it's hard, but your best bet is to ask her if she really wants to be a part of it. Mention to her that you're upset she didn't go to the engagement party, and that she doesn't want to come to this. Explain to her that you really feel like she isn't a part of any of this, and ask her if she would like to back out gracefully from being a bridesmaid.
Sorry, all I can think of right now.
SReidy
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Great idea!! Thanks. I'd have an easier time doing that than actually confronting her! I just wrote her a 2 page letter and I know I won't send it for a good week or two because I'm hoping to hear from her before then but I feel a little better now that I got it off my chest. I have to be up in 5 1/2 hours for work and I'm finally starting to get a little tired- I was so wired from this evening that I couldn't sleep so I came on here. Thanks again- I'm going to try to get some sleeP!!!
SReidy
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
Posted by MrHostility
I know it's hard, but your best bet is to ask her if she really wants to be a part of it. Mention to her that you're upset she didn't go to the engagement party, and that she doesn't want to come to this. Explain to her that you really feel like she isn't a part of any of this, and ask her if she would like to back out gracefully from being a bridesmaid.
Sorry, all I can think of right now.
Thanks MrHostility. I agree with you and Valentine- if I do a combo of both maybe I could be 'brave' enough to actually say it and at the same time it would be turned on her and all about her and maybe she would realize how she's being and be honest with me.
Sassy
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
Hey there. I know it's hard, but it happens to most of us We learn A LOT about our friends during our wedding planning. Some people have a HARD time being happy for others. My advice is similar to the others.
Ask her if she has problems being in the BP, since she is not participating in the celebrating. Also, make it clear to her what YOU expect from her as a BM. She has to be willing to play the part. Don't let it pass, it's bothering you and the sooner you confront the issue, the better off you'll be no matter what the outcome. It will be out of your way, and you'll know once and for all if she's in it for the right reasons.
Lots of hugs to you, and Be Brave, this is YOUR time to shine.
aliciahelene
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
I say FU$#CK her, get her out of the wedding! man, life is too short for her crap, its YOUR wedding, why do you have to ask her if everything is ok, if it had been one incident, than maybe check in with her as a friend to genuinely make sure she is ok, but she sounds like shes being a little baby and needs to get over whats up her aSE%$%, her not showing up for yoru E party and now ' maybe next time', oh man, I dont have any sympathy for that..kick her out and find someone who's truly happy for you! Im sorry you are having such a hard time with people invloved in yoru wedding! It will all work out, dont worry!!!
shelly3950
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think you should talk to her. Ask her if anything is bothering her. Ask her if she wants to be in your wedding party adn explain that although you want her to be in it, it seems that my skipping the engagement party adn the bachelorette party it shows you she really isn't interestedin being in the BP. Find out if something else is going on in her own life (difficulty dealing iwth your wedding, family stuff, etc...)
Tell her you understand that if seh wants to back out know, just ask her to explain why. Don't show you are angry or too hurt, do it out of a place of concern. Make sure she knows you want her in your life adn at your wedding no matter what she decides adn if she wants to be in your BP- you of course want her- that' why you ask her in the first place.
SReidy
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Thanks everyone
neesiepie
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I know how you're feeling. My BM's have done NOTHING to make me feel like they are interested in my wedding. One is due to have her baby at the end of the month. One is going through a divorce (as of Sunday) and the other is debating whether or not to move to Pa. The other 3 live in Florida and I havent heard a peep from them in ages. Just when you need them most....they go into hiding! lol Anyways, you need to do this for yourself. Dont be a coward. Just be assertive. Nothing wrong with asking a question. Don't ACCUSE her or ASSUME anything...just ASK her what the deal is.....tell her you were woman enough to talk to her about this and so she should be woman enough to tell the truth about why she keeps makingup lame excuses. GOOD LUCK!
SReidy
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
Thanks. I'm sorry your girls aren't there for you either. What's the matter with these people???? Don't they realize that it's an honor to be asked to be in someone's wedding party and that it's the biggest day of their life and as their FRIEND you're SUPPOSED to help them and listen to them and just plain CARE!>!?!?!?!?!?!?
Lisa Rose
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did you ever think that maybe she cant afford to go out to your Bachlorette party, and pay for your shower and pay for the dress and give you a wedding gift. And saying no to going out the way she did was so she didnt have to tell you about her problems.
Sometimes, us Brides, put alot of pressure on our bridal party. I would talk to her and ask her if everything is ok!
As far as going to your engagement party, maybe she felt that she couldnt afford a gift, so she wouldnt show up empty handed.
I think that you should talk to her and find out what is going on.
neesiepie
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LisaRose has a good point, that is precisely why we shouldn't ASSUME....but you definitely need to talk to her.
SReidy
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Posted by Lisa Rose
did you ever think that maybe she cant afford to go out to your Bachlorette party, and pay for your shower and pay for the dress and give you a wedding gift. And saying no to going out the way she did was so she didnt have to tell you about her problems.
Sometimes, us Brides, put alot of pressure on our bridal party. I would talk to her and ask her if everything is ok!
As far as going to your engagement party, maybe she felt that she couldnt afford a gift, so she wouldnt show up empty handed.
I think that you should talk to her and find out what is going on.
No, I have asked NOTHING of my girls. And I really do mean NOTHING. I'm not planning a big lavish go away for a weekend and pay airfare and hotel, etc... I'm asking them to pay $50- that's it. My one friend makes 15,000 a year and is managing and from what I've been told (By her) my MOH is asking nothing outlandish from them either (as far as my shower or anything else goes). My dresses were cheap as far as BM dresses goes and I'm paying for their hair and makeup the day of the wedding. IMO when you agree to be in someone's bridal party you basically say to them that you're willing to spend some money in order to be able to do this. My FH and I even told everyone that if they couldn't afford to go out for this that we would pay for them, because it's important to us that they be there. I think she's just being a horrible friend, if I can even call her a friend anymore- things like this have been going on too long.
lullabella
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I don't see how you can even call this person a friend? I have 10 girls in my BP and I can say 100% that NONE of them would ever do that too me. If I were you I would really think about why you asked her? Then I would call her and get this all out in the air, what is the point of beating around the bush?
Sorry you are sad but IMO you should ask her to step down.
EDT ( sp)
SReidy
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
Posted by lullabella
I don't see how you can even call this person a friend? I have 10 girls in my BP and I can say 100% that NONE of them would ever do that too me. If I were you I would really think about why you asked her? Then I would call her and get this all out in the air, what is the point of beating around the bush?
Sorry you are sad but IMO you should ask her to step down.
EDT ( sp)
I know- but she's been a good friend of mine since I was practically born. I NEVER in a millioin years expected her to act this way. My intentions were good as to why I asked her but I don't know that hers are good as to why she accepted anymore.
SReidy
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Thanks everyone for all of your advice.
nsgraham
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Re: I don't know what to do and need your advice...
So sorry this is happening to you. My MOH was also acting weird - she disapproves of a lot of my choices and so was complaining that all we do is fight all the time, and then rationalized that what is was was 1) the disapproval, which she has promised to swallow and 2) her general dislike of weddings, not because she's jealous but because of the insanity that insues. So she's been doing something of a preemptive strike, pulling away kinda. What's funny about that is that I've tried to keep most of the wedding stuff away from her, and i think i've done a decent job, which she knows and appriciates. But in my efforts to keep wedding stuff away from everyone, I've kinda become a hermit.
Anyway, we've made appointments to hang out with each other more often, away from other things.
Just wanted you to know you're not the only one people are freaking out on.
