i dont know what to do anymore

normally my FMIL is nice, but the other day me and my mom went over her house to iron out some details of the wedding, such as # of guests, food, party favors, etc...

she was being a total b*tch about it!!! she kept ignoring and dodging my moms questions, we tried talking to her for a good 3 hours and we kept going on in circles....i dont know how my mom dealt with her and still was very polite and nice...i wanted to just scream and leave

i think shes going through that thing were shes like 'giving up her son' or she wont have him anymore... or whatever the case it...mind you i am always verry very nice to FMIL. but sometimes shes just so shady for whatever reason she has. And i am NOT bringing this up with FH because i refuse to argue/fight because of her... ive been there done that...it puts him in a weird position because he loves me alot i know and at the same time he loves his mom so i guess its hard for him to critcize any of us or say anything...
theres no point of talking back to FMIL , i should just let it go in one ear and out the other... the situations wasnt that serious...but if im asking her questions such as 'how many guests do you think you'll be bringing exactly' she slike 'oh i dunno i havent made a list yet. well see...'

WELL SEE? hello i need to know...theres table #'s CP, favors, i need to know...shes sooooo lazy and laid back..and FH has been bought up in this environment so i dont think he even understands...my mom is SO organized and meticulous about planning and doing things the right way...and i really tolerate FMIL, and ask her nicely repeatedly...now i feel like its almost as if shes not even acknowledging there is a wedding happenings. arghh i dont know...!!!

sorry i had to VENT..and write this all out...so i feel better a lil bit

UPDATE!!- i talked to FIANCE and told him how his mom barely seems to acknowledge the wedding and now when i try to talk about it she brushes me off, or asks me if i want some tea and runs in to the kitchen, and i said im really very excited and what to include her etc etc.. [really politely]...and he just stayed SILENT...hes like ' you over analyze everything' and than i just blew up...screamed, cried, and hung up... even though that was not my intention...


UPDATE - im on the brink of calling this wedding off...FH is being extremely rude and hurtful to me... he said he would never choose me and his family is everything .... and loads of other sh*t


HOW CAN I LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SAID THAT TO ME?!

Whoa. I am SO sorry you are dealing with this cr*p. You need a SERIOUS talk with your FH. First... he needs to realize that he is taking you as his wife... therefore you ARE his family. Second - you are not asking him to CHOOSE you over his family, you are asking him to help you successfully become a part of his family. If he is going to seperate THEM and YOU - that is NO GOOD.

He also needs to understand that getting married is a committment to building a life TOGETHER - not just adding you into the existing structure of his day to day. I understand loving your family and wanting to stay close... but your spouse becomes the number one member of your family. YOU are the one he will own a home with one day. YOU are the one who will co-parent with him one day. His parents DID their job, now it is time for him to show them what a great job they did by becoming a responsible adult and a good husband/father.

Having SAID THAT.... I really don't see how the FMIL was being 'bitchy'? I may have missed something in your post, or not really picked up on the underlying message. She invited you over, played host, but really didn't talk about the wedding to your satisfaction. And you may be right. She may not be ready to deal with 'losing' her son. The fact that she agreed to the meeting indicates that she WANTS to be a part of the wedding, but maybe on some level she is very nervous about her baby leaving the nest. Have some compassion for her. She loves her son and she realizes that once he goes, she is no longer going to be the number 1 woman in his life. It IS different for men and women - there is an old (and mostly true) adage:

'A daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life - a son is a son until he takes a wife.'

In any event. Sit back and try to relate to FMIL on another level. If you love your FH and you want to marry him truly, then you will realize that he has a deep bond with this woman and that she will be a part of your life too.

The way I see it you have 2 courses of action that must be taken. One is to talk to your FH as soon as possible. Rationally and calmly. Once you have addressed the fact that he needs to understand that you are BECOMING a part of his family - not replacing them and not somehow taking a status as less then them - then you will need to discuss a strategy with regard to his mother. I would avoid ranting to him or throwing out a lot of negatives... just say 'Listen, I have a lot of stress planning this wedding. I get that your mom isn't as excited as my mom and I can maybe understand to some degree. But I really want her to be a part of things because she is going to be a part of my family. I also can't complete the planning until she helps me out by giving me a guest list... or at least a better number of potential guests. Can you help me out here babe?'

Good luck honey. I know it is hard! I will be thinking of you!

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Posted by luvabul

UPDATE - im on the brink of calling this wedding off...FH is being extremely rude and hurtful to me... he said he would never choose me and his family is everything .... and loads of other sh*t


HOW CAN I LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SAID THAT TO ME?!

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WOW!!! Well, that was very hurtful, but maybe he was just reacting because he felt you were attacking his family. Try to sit down and talk to him as calmly as you can. Don't even talk to him about the wedding, just about that you make him 1st in your life and you need to feel you come first in his life. YOU are his family now. Good Luck!

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Posted by kittythestray

WOW!!! Well, that was very hurtful, but maybe he was just reacting because he felt you were attacking his family. Try to sit down and talk to him as calmly as you can. Don't even talk to him about the wedding, just about that you make him 1st in your life and you need to feel you come first in his life. YOU are his family now. Good Luck!

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I agree. Before you can settle anything even remotely wedding related, you have to see where you place in his heirarchy. You need to be number one or else you're gonna have a very rough road ahead. You can only move on once you can get this fact cleared up.

if u are not number 1 now, u are never going to be.

you have to ALWAYS come first.. before his family before his friends.

remember in the end all it is going to be is u and him- no one else.

you need to have a heart to heart with him, and FAST!

Sometimes when an argument or discussion gets heated we allow it to blow up and we end up saying things we don't *really* mean. I hope this is the case with your fiance. But, you just really have to talk to him and see.

You have to be #1 now and in the future because otherwise how else with you and he become a family? Your families will and should always be important, but you will be vowing love and devotion to one another - you should both be each others' #1 while still honoring and respecting your families.

I wish you lots of luck! Keep us posted.

im just not in the mood to call him...he can call me right? after all that stupid stuff he said ...

I'm very sorry for everything that's happening but I've got to say a few things. I don't know you and your FI personally so I can't really comment on the two of you, so please don't take any of this personally. This is all in my opinion:
1) Family is very important to me. I would never say that my parents are more imp that FI or that FI is more imp than my family b/c these are general statements that really don't mean anything. You don't always have to be #1 in his life like some of the posts say. He has to be independent and intelligent enough to judge situations on his own and determine who needs to be #1 at any particular moment. Example: If his mom needs assistance with something ligitimate and there is no one else there to help her and you want to go to a movie. He should help his mom and you will have to wait to see the movie some other time.
2) Some girls jump on 'tell them they're not coming to the wedding' bandwagon when it comes to speaking of FI's 'difficult' family. Again, in my opinion, you dont only marry your FI, you're also forming a lasting relationship with his family. Therefore, you should always try to work things out with them and not be so quick to cross them off your list. Everyone has bad days, so maybe when they're being difficult they're going through something major in their lives that you just don't know about and can't really figure it out b/c you haven't gotten to know them very well yet. I've tried to develop a very open and friendly relationship with FI's mom,dad and grandparents and believe that they love me as if I was their daughter because of the patience and time I've put into these relationships.

So after this long opinion, here are my two cents - talk to FI about FI and not about his mom and find out why he said what he said. Then talk to his mom and try your best to become friends with her. If you need anything, we're always here for you

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Posted by luvabul

omg thank you...well she wasnt being bitchy that much this time around , but shes done 101 things in the past that are even more intolerable that if i start writing on her, it'd be a book.....i fell asleep last night so i haevnt talked to him yet...but thanks so much

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My mom has warned me countless times not to follow her mistakes, her mother in law was extremely rude to her, and she should of seen the signs when they were dating. but she didnt, and my dad never stuck up for my mother, and it ultimately ruined their relationship. they are divorced.

i am very lucky because FH always sticks up for me when it comes to his family, he is always on my side no matter what. I am his family and we will have our own family one day. This is what he tells me all the time. MIL problems can be the worst especially if you and FH dont see eye to eye.

It sounds like these men need to grow some u know whats!!!!!!!!!!!

When someone insults the women they love no matter who it is, mother father sister friend brother. They need to speak up!!! There is no excuse for FMIL to be hurting and insulting the FDIL's. This is really upsetting to hear.

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Posted by EverlovingEv

I'm very sorry for everything that's happening but I've got to say a few things. I don't know you and your FI personally so I can't really comment on the two of you, so please don't take any of this personally. This is all in my opinion:
1) Family is very important to me. I would never say that my parents are more imp that FI or that FI is more imp than my family b/c these are general statements that really don't mean anything. You don't always have to be #1 in his life like some of the posts say. He has to be independent and intelligent enough to judge situations on his own and determine who needs to be #1 at any particular moment. Example: If his mom needs assistance with something ligitimate and there is no one else there to help her and you want to go to a movie. He should help his mom and you will have to wait to see the movie some other time.
2) Some girls jump on 'tell them they're not coming to the wedding' bandwagon when it comes to speaking of FI's 'difficult' family. Again, in my opinion, you dont only marry your FI, you're also forming a lasting relationship with his family. Therefore, you should always try to work things out with them and not be so quick to cross them off your list. Everyone has bad days, so maybe when they're being difficult they're going through something major in their lives that you just don't know about and can't really figure it out b/c you haven't gotten to know them very well yet. I've tried to develop a very open and friendly relationship with FI's mom,dad and grandparents and believe that they love me as if I was their daughter because of the patience and time I've put into these relationships.

So after this long opinion, here are my two cents - talk to FI about FI and not about his mom and find out why he said what he said. Then talk to his mom and try your best to become friends with her. If you need anything, we're always here for you

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I could not have said it better myself.

Try to build a relationship - allies, if you will - not enemies. Life will be so much better.

Best of luck to you.

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Posted by luvabul

UPDATE - im on the brink of calling this wedding off...FH is being extremely rude and hurtful to me... he said he would never choose me and his family is everything .... and loads of other sh*t


HOW CAN I LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SAID THAT TO ME?!

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fh andi had a similar situation. i think both of you have to give each other a few days to calm down. i would agree that it's hard to start a life with anyone who insists that their family is always going to be right because that's just not realistic and immature. ultimately comes down to whether your fh views you as his equal, the gal he's going to start a new life and family with or whether he views you as a gal that he's marrying and adopting his family name. i'm sure he loves you either way but the bottom intention makes a difference in terms of where his default position between his family and you will be. the best situation is it doesn' t have to be 'between' his family and you....

either way, if you love him, then you must accept his default position or one of you may have to move on. i would add though - you will more than likely outlive your fh's parents - something he should think about. and something you should think about too b/c this is the man you're living with your entire life~~ being a good son/daughter is a good thing but anything taken to the extreme is unhealthy~

edit: also agree w/ previous poster that saying things like my family is always more important is a general statement. important to figure out where fh is coming from and why he says the things he does.

whoa. my dh gets upset with me with i say things about his mother. and why shouldn't he?/ its his mom, and he is not going to be on my side unless she goes over the line.

just relax a minute. its not the end of the world.

In a nutshell, if a man won't put his wife before his family, there is no marriage.

JMO