I Hate My Mother - So how am I supposed to plan my wedding?
Warning this is long and sappy:
I've already seen, and given advice to a few girls about issues similar to this, but I just have to vent because my mother is driving me crazy...
Like every other person on earth, my mom has issues. She has normal 'I felt ugly as a kid' issues. Never felt good enough, always felt like she was in competition with her sisters, etc. When she was 19 her father died of cancer and because she wasn't home, and her sisters were, she has felt immense guilt about this ever since. It has spilled over to every aspect of our lives.
My brother and I have always had this [i]immense[/i] pressure to be perfect and be better than her sister's kids in literally everything. I grew up constantly thinking there was something wrong with me and truly believing that unless I was perfect and did everything my mother told me to do she wouldn't love me. And the sad part is that I didn't just put that in my head, that's how she treated us. If we got a B+ in a class instead of an A we were grounded and told that we were lazy and stupid. If I got up past 10am on a Saturday I was a worthless waste of life. And god forbid I should say thank you more than 10 seconds (no joke) after receiving anything I was the most selfish and spoiled ***** she's ever met in her entire life. On top of that, she has always resented having to be the selfless mother and takes every opportunity to get something back for taking care of us for our whole lives. The whole house runs around her schedule and what will make her happy. God forbid you try to take a pee when she is getting ready in the morning she will pick the lock and yell at you to come out so she can finish getting ready.
For years (starting in childhood) I was very depressed and constantly felt worthless. I never acted out or anything, I just kept it to myself because then I wouldn't seem perfect. I grew up as the golden child in the family and when I finally flipped a lid and asked my mom to start seeing a therapist she said that there was nothing wrong with me. This went on for about five years until she finally let me go to one. A month after I started seeing the therapist she got angry with me about something and told me that she was not the reason I was in therapy and I paid for it by myself throughout high school and college. I didn't start to think I was a worthwhile person until towards the end of therapy when I got to college and started dating a guy who was very understanding of me and allowed me to be the crazy **** up I was without judging me. I finally got to the point where I loved myself enough to take measures to make myself happy. So mentally I'm pretty good, have been for awhile, and even though she hasn't changed I've put up with it.
I moved home a year and a half ago because I broke up with the ex and went to graduate school so I needed to save. It has majorly ****** because I'm back to high school life and having everything I do and every penny I spent scrutinized, on top of moving in to the guest room which isn't even big enough to fit my belongings (it's approximately the size of a walk in closet). A year ago I reached my breaking point where I don't want to be there anymore and ever since I got engaged my mother is in full ***** mode every day.
I know that everyone has problems with their mother during the wedding planning, and that she's being like this because of the fact that I'm 'growing up' and leaving and she's getting old and all that means, but she has always been mentally abusive and for years I have refused to say that I hate her because I don't believe you can ever truly hate your parents, but she has driven me away to the point that when the wedding is over I can't speak to her anymore.
She tries to control every aspect of the wedding to the point that I don't want to discuss it AT ALL with her. I don't take her dress shopping, I don't talk about flowers or the photographer (which I'm paying for). I just do everything myself because everything can be done cheaper and my taste and preferences are not hers and she's paying so she should control everything. Down to, she wanted to make the center pieces and my veil herself and pick out the invitations and food at the reception hall. Less than a week after announcing the engagement I already wanted to run away and elope because she was being impossible. And because I want to say thank you my own way (with a long mushy thank you card and a vacation for her and my dad) and not her way (giving her a thank you card for every item she purchases on top of letting her pick things out) I am ungrateful and selfish and don't deserve anything. I have tried to tell her that I appreciate what she's done for us so far, but some how she lives in denial that I ever said thank you.
We live in rooms across from each other and haven't spoken in a week. She is so great to FH and everyone else, but to me she doesn't even say hello to in the morning. She acts like a child. And granted we have our good times when she is nice and a really great mom (typical abusive personality), but she has pushed me so far this time that I can't handle it anymore.
The obvious solution to this problem would be to move out of the house, and that was going to happen in a few months, after I paid off the debt I accrued in school, but FH just lost his job and might lose his apartment and might be moving in with us instead.
My dad has been really great through all of this and on my side, but he is not the breadwinner in the family so he does not have the power of the purse, which throughout my whole life has been the only way my mom has been able to my every action. Even he can't deal with her anymore and is suggesting we go to family therapy (although she does not like the idea because she thinks she's perfect and our family is perfect, I'm just selfish and don't deserve her).
I am going to have to deal with it until FH gets a new job and we can move in together, in the meantime, how am I supposed to go about planning things when she refuses to even speak to me? On top of that, I am afraid that on the actual day she will not be able to handle not being the center of attention and how am I supposed to handle her when she gets in the middle of everything?
I at least have the reception hall and the limo paid for, but I found a different dress that I want (she's already basically said she refuses to pay for it) and how am I supposed to get the invitations and favors and every other little thing? My wedding is 10 months away, so I have time, but I don't see things ever getting better with her and whenever I end up moving out we will probably not speak at all unless absolutely necessary. When the wedding is over I'll either cut her out of my life, or only speak to her on rare occasions because I can't take the abuse anymore. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to get around all of that to be able to get things done and have a relationship with my father and brother.
Ugh.
Thanks for your help.
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I've already seen, and given advice to a few girls about issues similar to this, but I just have to vent because my mother is driving me crazy...
Like every other person on earth, my mom has issues. She has normal 'I felt ugly as a kid' issues. Never felt good enough, always felt like she was in competition with her sisters, etc. When she was 19 her father died of cancer and because she wasn't home, and her sisters were, she has felt immense guilt about this ever since. It has spilled over to every aspect of our lives.
My brother and I have always had this [i]immense[/i] pressure to be perfect and be better than her sister's kids in literally everything. I grew up constantly thinking there was something wrong with me and truly believing that unless I was perfect and did everything my mother told me to do she wouldn't love me. And the sad part is that I didn't just put that in my head, that's how she treated us. If we got a B+ in a class instead of an A we were grounded and told that we were lazy and stupid. If I got up past 10am on a Saturday I was a worthless waste of life. And god forbid I should say thank you more than 10 seconds (no joke) after receiving anything I was the most selfish and spoiled ***** she's ever met in her entire life. On top of that, she has always resented having to be the selfless mother and takes every opportunity to get something back for taking care of us for our whole lives. The whole house runs around her schedule and what will make her happy. God forbid you try to take a pee when she is getting ready in the morning she will pick the lock and yell at you to come out so she can finish getting ready.
For years (starting in childhood) I was very depressed and constantly felt worthless. I never acted out or anything, I just kept it to myself because then I wouldn't seem perfect. I grew up as the golden child in the family and when I finally flipped a lid and asked my mom to start seeing a therapist she said that there was nothing wrong with me. This went on for about five years until she finally let me go to one. A month after I started seeing the therapist she got angry with me about something and told me that she was not the reason I was in therapy and I paid for it by myself throughout high school and college. I didn't start to think I was a worthwhile person until towards the end of therapy when I got to college and started dating a guy who was very understanding of me and allowed me to be the crazy **** up I was without judging me. I finally got to the point where I loved myself enough to take measures to make myself happy. So mentally I'm pretty good, have been for awhile, and even though she hasn't changed I've put up with it.
I moved home a year and a half ago because I broke up with the ex and went to graduate school so I needed to save. It has majorly ****** because I'm back to high school life and having everything I do and every penny I spent scrutinized, on top of moving in to the guest room which isn't even big enough to fit my belongings (it's approximately the size of a walk in closet). A year ago I reached my breaking point where I don't want to be there anymore and ever since I got engaged my mother is in full ***** mode every day.
I know that everyone has problems with their mother during the wedding planning, and that she's being like this because of the fact that I'm 'growing up' and leaving and she's getting old and all that means, but she has always been mentally abusive and for years I have refused to say that I hate her because I don't believe you can ever truly hate your parents, but she has driven me away to the point that when the wedding is over I can't speak to her anymore.
She tries to control every aspect of the wedding to the point that I don't want to discuss it AT ALL with her. I don't take her dress shopping, I don't talk about flowers or the photographer (which I'm paying for). I just do everything myself because everything can be done cheaper and my taste and preferences are not hers and she's paying so she should control everything. Down to, she wanted to make the center pieces and my veil herself and pick out the invitations and food at the reception hall. Less than a week after announcing the engagement I already wanted to run away and elope because she was being impossible. And because I want to say thank you my own way (with a long mushy thank you card and a vacation for her and my dad) and not her way (giving her a thank you card for every item she purchases on top of letting her pick things out) I am ungrateful and selfish and don't deserve anything. I have tried to tell her that I appreciate what she's done for us so far, but some how she lives in denial that I ever said thank you.
We live in rooms across from each other and haven't spoken in a week. She is so great to FH and everyone else, but to me she doesn't even say hello to in the morning. She acts like a child. And granted we have our good times when she is nice and a really great mom (typical abusive personality), but she has pushed me so far this time that I can't handle it anymore.
The obvious solution to this problem would be to move out of the house, and that was going to happen in a few months, after I paid off the debt I accrued in school, but FH just lost his job and might lose his apartment and might be moving in with us instead.
My dad has been really great through all of this and on my side, but he is not the breadwinner in the family so he does not have the power of the purse, which throughout my whole life has been the only way my mom has been able to my every action. Even he can't deal with her anymore and is suggesting we go to family therapy (although she does not like the idea because she thinks she's perfect and our family is perfect, I'm just selfish and don't deserve her).
I am going to have to deal with it until FH gets a new job and we can move in together, in the meantime, how am I supposed to go about planning things when she refuses to even speak to me? On top of that, I am afraid that on the actual day she will not be able to handle not being the center of attention and how am I supposed to handle her when she gets in the middle of everything?
I at least have the reception hall and the limo paid for, but I found a different dress that I want (she's already basically said she refuses to pay for it) and how am I supposed to get the invitations and favors and every other little thing? My wedding is 10 months away, so I have time, but I don't see things ever getting better with her and whenever I end up moving out we will probably not speak at all unless absolutely necessary. When the wedding is over I'll either cut her out of my life, or only speak to her on rare occasions because I can't take the abuse anymore. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to get around all of that to be able to get things done and have a relationship with my father and brother.
Ugh.
Thanks for your help.
