i need hugs today......so many things going on

Im at work right now- kids are in library. I just am overwhelmingly sad today.

I didnt realize the holidays would be this hard- being separated sucks.

My husband and I have been talking on occasion- he says he is getting the help he needs and is talking to someone weekly. He claims he is not drinking and went to the doctor to get a physical and check things out (liver etc) to make sure he is ok.
He wants me back but is not putting pressure. We didnt sign any papers yet. They are ready but I am waiting until after the holidays since its too hard for both of us right now to see each other. I am really confused. I love and miss him but I know right now my life has been uncomplicated and calm since he left. I havent even decorated for xmas because I dont want to go into the closet where all of our decorations are- including our stockings with our nick names on them. its just hard.

it doesnt help the yankee guy turned out to be a jerk. I thought he was such a nice guy- different than the rest. After that Saturday when we were supposed to meet up but never did, he has not called me. It wasnt my fault I didnt get reception at the bar/party I was at and kept missing his call. he didnt have reception either.
I know the whole book concept, 'Hes just not that into you' but the truth is that he was- at least so I thought. so that doesnt help my situation when the first guy I decide to try and date and be distracted with turns out to be like that. that set me back a few notches.
and the thing that bothers me is the last time I saw him on our date, I left my sweater at his place. my sweater I like to tie around my waist when i feel bloated. i swear it was an accident. I didnt plant it there like a typical sex and the city episode. I hope he didnt think that. I know he told me he likes to date and meet new people. I hope he didnt think I was reading into it more than he was. I told him he was the first guy I decided to go on a date with since my separation and he made a joke saying he felt the 'pressure' to make sure I have a good time. I knwo I am reading into this but damn he fooled me. I always could tell when I guy isnt that interested but he fooled me. I just want to know why.. just not calling any more out of the blue was just weird.

anyway sorry so long- bottom line is I just need hugs!