I need some advise

Hey girls.... I'm in need of some help/advise - here's the story:

My mom lives with DH and I... she lives with us because she is not healthy, she's not able to work a full time job to support herself/bills and she's single. I've lived with and helped my mother out (even when I wasn't living home) my entire life.

So of course, when DH and I moved to NC, we brought her with us. Well, since my MIL heard this, she has been trying to discourage us or tell us what type of house we HAVE TO buy - mother daughter or 2-family. Ok, for some people it may not work, but why should we buy a HUGE house and will it with twice the amount of furniture just to make HER happy?!?!

So here we are, living in NC for over 6 months and DH calls on Super Bowl Sunday to say hi to MIL and FIL and what does MIL say?!?! 'So when is hermother going to move out and get a place of her own?' DH says, it's not going to happen - and that's it. And I KNEW what she was saying and he confirms it after he hangs up. I'm so upset!

This woman even said something to my mother on Thanksgiving when they came down for a visit. They stayed with my BIL at his house, but while my mom and MIL were outside, my mom says to her, 'The next time you visit you can come stay with us because we should hopefully have enough room.' MIL says, 'Of course you'll have enough room because you will be living in a 2-family house!' Then I find out a couple weeks later from my SIL that MIL said some more things and my mom was in tears! How DARE she insilt my mother and bring her to tears! I'm so upset and I can't let it go. I feel the next time I speak to this woman, I'm going to blast her, because she deserves it

Sorry for the long post.... But I'm just really p!ssed off and need some help from ya'll.
Annie

does she have a reason not to like your mother. you're just helping your mom out

Holy cow, that was SO EFFING RUDE!!!!!!!

You and DH need to sit down and tell them that kind of behavior will not be tolerated. i am so pi$$ed off for you.

I am so sorry to hear this but it sounds like your DH is very supportive about having your mom live with the both of you so that is a really positive thing among all this negative. I also commend you for taking care of your mom - you are an amazing daughter.

Bottom line - from a complete stranger - sounds like your MIL is plain old jealous. Unfortunately, jealousy is a very mean and ugly thing. Maybe DH could have a little chat with his mom on her comments?

I'm really sorry to hear that she insulted your mom

Do you think maybe she means well but she's not expressing herself right?

I think Ang hit the nail right on the head - jealousy.
Seems like MIL is probably feeling left out since she's not seeing you and DH everyday.

She obviously has issues in relaying her feelings in a proper manner.

First

Tell your MIL that your mom would be happy to move in with her and she can take care of her. She cannot live alone-that's the end of the story. If your MIL has any other bright ideas, let her write a book.

That is so rude! It is none of your MIL business where your mom lives. The next time MIL mentions it I would tell her that it has nothing to do with her and there is no reason for her to be worrying about who is living in your house!

---

Posted by jennandrob

I think Ang hit the nail right on the head - jealousy.
Seems like MIL is probably feeling left out since she's not seeing you and DH everyday.

She obviously has issues in relaying her feelings in a proper manner.

---

I completely agree. Your MIL is WAY out of line and if it were me, I'd have to set her straight. I think she really is just jealous and doesn't know a 'healthy' way to get it out of her system. I'm sure she's thinking that she's not only being replaced as the #1 woman in her son's life by you but now she's also being 'replaced' as a mom since your mother is living with you guys. She needs to get over it - what a b!tch. I can't believe she made your mom cry. That's just awful.

I think your MIL is jealous. She is probably hurt that your mom lives with you guys and that when the time comes there may not be a place for her. I am sure she doesn't even think what she is doing is hurtful. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her.

Your mom is not living with you just for the hell of it, she needs you, and your FH needs to remind his mother of that. Even though he shouldn't have to.....

Jealousy sounds like the culprit as the others have said. I think yo ushould have a talk with FH and have him speak to his mom and put her in her place!!!!

Your MIL's behavior is inappropriate, and you and DH should have an open, honest discussion about it so he knows exactly how you feel. I also think he needs to tell his mother to cool it. I am glad that DH is so supportive and understanding of you.

that *****! In most cultures, this is the norm - taking care of family. Its such a shame that so many people in this culture see caring for family as a dirty little secret! Bravo to you for taking care of your mom.

Honestly, i would try to say something very nicely before you confront her and blow up at her. She might be a lame biotch, but you should attempt to be the bigger and better person. Because I like to be non confrontational and nice BEFORE I go psycho on someone: I would write her a letter letting her know TRULY how you feel and how much it hurts you when she makes these comments. Then, if she doesn't respond appropriately and start growing up, I would confront her and be firm. Your DH must be involved and back you up in all of the confronting - this is his mother and you should not fight this battle alone.

Is your FIL in the picture? Could he perhaps say something to her?

If all else fails, and you have told her how you feel and she still insists on making comments: completely ignore her and change the subject to something random or make a joke EVERY single time she makes a comment. It *****, but it seems she wants a specific reaction - don't give her one. She may just eventually stop. \

Whatever the case, this is not one of those things you can ignore - it will just get worse and more emotional every time it happenes. Deal with it now and it will be much easier than dealing with it 5 years down the line...

eta: I still can't believe we can't say the word s u c k s on here! instert that word where all the stars are.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

---

Posted by jenniesunshine

I completely agree. Your MIL is WAY out of line and if it were me, I'd have to set her straight. I think she really is just jealous and doesn't know a 'healthy' way to get it out of her system. I'm sure she's thinking that she's not only being replaced as the #1 woman in her son's life by you but now she's also being 'replaced' as a mom since your mother is living with you guys. She needs to get over it - what a b!tch. I can't believe she made your mom cry. That's just awful.

---

This is EXACTLY correct! Everyone has touched on the issues in every post - thank you for the support. My DH definately understands why my mom is with us and he deals with it - they get along well and argue like brother and sister usually. My inlaws know that my mom is not well and I have discussed this with my MIL a couple of times, but she is 100% jealous - everyone agrees. IT's very sad, but no, she doesn't know how to express herself without coming off as severely pushy

My FIL completely understands, but the topic comes up when one of us is on the phone with my MIL or when he's not around, so he never gets a chance to express himself - but he's non-confrontational like my DH and just hopes it'll go away.

Thank you all again for the responses, I feel better that I'm not just taking things the wrong way.

Thank you!!!!

---

Posted by ssdbk

...Unless your MIL is going to subsidize a 2 family house, she should keep her mouth shut. Well, even if she were going to give you $$, she still has no right to judge. ...

---

I said that to her once and she said no

---

Posted by Bunnymonkey

that *****! In most cultures, this is the norm - taking care of family. Its such a shame that so many people in this culture see caring for family as a dirty little secret! Bravo to you for taking care of your mom.

Honestly, i would try to say something very nicely before you confront her and blow up at her. She might be a lame biotch, but you should attempt to be the bigger and better person. Because I like to be non confrontational and nice BEFORE I go psycho on someone: I would write her a letter letting her know TRULY how you feel and how much it hurts you when she makes these comments. Then, if she doesn't respond appropriately and start growing up, I would confront her and be firm. Your DH must be involved and back you up in all of the confronting - this is his mother and you should not fight this battle alone.

Is your FIL in the picture? Could he perhaps say something to her?

If all else fails, and you have told her how you feel and she still insists on making comments: completely ignore her and change the subject to something random or make a joke EVERY single time she makes a comment. It *****, but it seems she wants a specific reaction - don't give her one. She may just eventually stop. \

Whatever the case, this is not one of those things you can ignore - it will just get worse and more emotional every time it happenes. Deal with it now and it will be much easier than dealing with it 5 years down the line...

eta: I still can't believe we can't say the word s u c k s on here! instert that word where all the stars are.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

---

Thanks - when people learn of the situation, they are first happy with what I do for her, then when they realise that I just got married, they get a funny look on their face

One of the first things my MIL said to me was, 'What if you want to run around the house nekid?!' I don't do that when we're on vacation, what makes you think I'll do that at home?!?!