I need to VENT--Sorry so Long

OK, So I'm soooo pissed off. FH calles me in the middle of the night last night and tells me his ex girlfriend just called him to tell him that her mom died. Ok, I feel really bad for her but why the hell is she calling my FH??? She has tons of friends; she could have waited till today to tell him or whatever!!! Now I know I'm sounding a little mean but there's tons of history with her. After they broke up she started sleeping with his bestfriend and constantly hanging around his friends. So I have to see this b*%ch all the time. She calls him for everything including money. Which he doesn't give her. She calls to ask stupid questions that she can call anyone else for. I'm just so fed up with her calling him all the time. He even tells her that they're not friends and not to call him for anything. But now he feels bad that her mom died and took the day off today to go to the mother's wake. Am I being terrible for being mad at him for going to this wake without me? He won't bring me because he doesn't want HER to be uncomfortable. I personally don't think he should go at all, I don't think he belongs there. But of course she asked him to be there. He keeps telling me he's only going for 5 minutes tops but I'm still very uncomfortable with it.

Someone please talk some sense into me!!!!!!

Well I understand your feelings, but sometimes you just need people around you that you feel comfortable with. I would wait a few weeks and have him give her a good talking to about their relationship. He needs to let her know that it is no longer appropriate and that she should not be calling. But for now, let her have her moment.

Try not to think of it as being about HER -
Think of it as being about HIM. - Would you love him as much if her were NOT the type of man to feel obligate to go? She put him in a bad position - I don't think I would be able to say no to someone I used to care about either in that situation. -
I understand your frustration w/ HER, and you have every right to be annoyed. Obviously she's refusing to let go of him and now that she has lost her mother she's REALLY not thinking clearly and ONLY looking for comfort where she wants it........which is your FH.
Let him go to the wake (for HIS own conscience) and then just let it go.
If it escalates, then sit down and talk to him about how she is not HIS responsibility anymore.......

Oh trust me that conversation has happened at least 2 times already. She just can't seem to let go.

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Posted by jpavig

Oh trust me that conversation has happened at least 2 times already. She just can't seem to let go.

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Well, this is how he should handle it then:
Whenever she calls, he should politely say 'please don't call me anymore' and then hang up. Eventually she will get the point.

thank you so much girls. I really needed that. I probably would have caused such a fight today without your advise. Thanks.

I have to disagree with one of the points here. I think you should attend with him. This is a powerful statement coming from him to her. It also shows a united front for you both. It's a compromise with him going to the wake and you being by his side.

I know I will probably get some flack from this post, but I would feel frustrated by the situation given it's sensitive nature.

Well, I was in the exact same situation with my EX when his mother died. I had FINALLY gotten him to leave me alone, then his mother died and he kept calling me and calling me. And of course I felt bad for him, especially because I dated him for a few years and was close with his mother. JT and I were not engaged at the time, so I went to the wake with my father, who came incase I had problems with my ex (there had been a point in time when he would follow me and harrass me on the phone, so my dad didn't want me going alone). I did not bring JT because he didn't want to come, but I had extended the invite to him. After the funeral and what not, my ex constantly began to call me again and use his mother's death as an excuse for wanting to see me to talk to me. I never saw him, but I finally told him straight out that as sorry as I was, I needed to move on with my life with my new boyfriend, and he needed to seek out the help he needed in his real friends and that I would appreciate not ever talking to him again. And I think at that moment, it FINALLY clicked in his head and he never bothered me again.
I'm not going to tell you how you should feel, but I do think it's the respectful thing for your FH to go. Not because of his ex, but because of the fact that someone he knew passed away and it is respectful to her. I think that after this, he needs to stop answering her calls and stop all contact with her. He needs to start a new chapter in his life that is with YOU, his future wife. I will tell you this, though....it seemed to me that when I got engaged, exes began coming out of the woodworks to be a pain in the a$$, but as time went on and we dealt with them, it all settled down. Good luck. It will work out.

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Posted by Blu-ize

I have to disagree with one of the points here. I think you should attend with him. This is a powerful statement coming from him to her. It also shows a united front for you both. It's a compromise with him going to the wake and you being by his side.

I know I will probably get some flack from this post, but I would feel frustrated by the situation given it's sensitive nature.

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I disagree. - We ALL know that this girl is manipulative and holding on to your FH - it's not a secret, and it's totally and completely WRONG of her........ BUT, if your FH has decided to go to the wake, personally I think it's an added slap in the face to this girl who has just lost her own mother if you're there holding his hand. - We all know she's wrong and the situation sucks, but he's YOURS - no need to rub that in her face. You know she's only calling HIM b/c she still wants him. - So if he's going to agree to be there out of the kindess of his heart, just leave it at that. You have nothing to prove, you have the ring!
After he pays his repsects and does her the favor of being there. - END OF RELATIONSHIP. He is no longer HER shoulder to cry/lean on. - it's no longer his repsonsibility/obligation to take care of her. -
Let him go, do the right thing. - And then talk to him about the obvious need to completely cut her off..........

I'm so glad you all have different views about my situation. It was bothering me all morning and I didn't want anyone to think that I was cold hearted I just really didn't know what to do. So after hearing everyone's opinion I called him and told him to go. But he only has 5 minutes and then he has to leave. I also told him to get a Sympathy card and sign BOTH our names on it. This way I look like the bigger person (even though I want to tear her hair out.) After the holidays I will talk to him and make sure he puts her in her place...or I will. I've had enough of her and the next 9 months leading up to our wedding are going to be stressful enough.

Thanks so much girls.

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Posted by jpavig

I'm so glad you all have different views about my situation. It was bothering me all morning and I didn't want anyone to think that I was cold hearted I just really didn't know what to do. So after hearing everyone's opinion I called him and told him to go. But he only has 5 minutes and then he has to leave. I also told him to get a Sympathy card and sign BOTH our names on it. This way I look like the bigger person (even though I want to tear her hair out.) After the holidays I will talk to him and make sure he puts her in her place...or I will. I've had enough of her and the next 9 months leading up to our wedding are going to be stressful enough.

Thanks so much girls.

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I think you've come up with the perfect way to handle this sticky situation. The card is a good idea. I hope it all works out!

I was in a very similar situation with an EX of my FH's. She was such a manipulative little biatch. FI tried to be nice about it and let her know he wasn't interested in having a close friendship with her ect. She just didn't get it and would call all the time for the dumbest reasons. It finally came to the point were he had to tell her to go f-off and never call him again. Long story but she was psycho.

Personally if it were my FH I would advise him not to go to the wake but to instead send a flower arrangement or something from the two of you. If your FI wants to go to the wake you should definitely go with him.

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Posted by Marisa M

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Posted by Blu-ize

I have to disagree with one of the points here. I think you should attend with him. This is a powerful statement coming from him to her. It also shows a united front for you both. It's a compromise with him going to the wake and you being by his side.

I know I will probably get some flack from this post, but I would feel frustrated by the situation given it's sensitive nature.

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I disagree. - We ALL know that this girl is manipulative and holding on to your FH - it's not a secret, and it's totally and completely WRONG of her........ BUT, if your FH has decided to go to the wake, personally I think it's an added slap in the face to this girl who has just lost her own mother if you're there holding his hand. - We all know she's wrong and the situation sucks, but he's YOURS - no need to rub that in her face. You know she's only calling HIM b/c she still wants him. - So if he's going to agree to be there out of the kindess of his heart, just leave it at that. You have nothing to prove, you have the ring!
After he pays his repsects and does her the favor of being there. - END OF RELATIONSHIP. He is no longer HER shoulder to cry/lean on. - it's no longer his repsonsibility/obligation to take care of her. -
Let him go, do the right thing. - And then talk to him about the obvious need to completely cut her off..........

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until the next time she needs him. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Apprently, he has talked to her already and to no avail. I feel for this girl who lost her mother, but she has proven to be a child in an adult's body and cannot stand being told no. I'm sorry I sounds so heartless...

We were having a similar situation with FI ex-wife. FI finally changed his cell phone number and I called her current and third husband and told him in no uncertain terms that if she did not stop calling him, we planned on filing harassment charges against her. Did I mention the current/3rd husband did not want her having any contact with my FI since thier divorce? I bet that caused quite a stir! Move on honey, move on!

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Posted by halfpintny

I hope things worked out with the wake. If I was in that given situation I would feel the same way. If it was me, I would have gone with FH. The fact that she would get upset if you went with him shows that she's not just looking for a shoulder she's looking (hoping) for something else. Sometimes desperate people do desperate acts to try to hold on to something that is long gone. You need to be firm in this situation. A lot of times men dont know the right way to do something and think being nice is the way to go but most times a direct I'm not interested don't call me again goes much further. It ends any sort of 'hope' for anything further.

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well said!