I really need to vent....

I'm so sorry for the 'fake' name, girls, but I am so embarrassed by this that I could never post it under my real name on here
Fh and I are having the most ridiculous financial issues right now. It seems like I am constantly paying money towards his debt and he keeps depleting our wedding savings to pay off bills that he never bothered to in the past. It's all catching up to him. I work two jobs to have enough money to pay my bills and add to our savings, and he is so irresponsible. We've discussed this, we've come up with budgets, we've done everything there is, but every freaking time I think we're going to be ok, he springs another payment on me. Like just before, he called me from work to talk to me. He had a personal loan from a bank that he took out two years ago, but never bothered to make the payments on it for MONTHS. So finally it caught up with him when the bank turned it over to their collections. We used 850 dollars of our savings to pay to bring the account up to date, then they told him to make the monthly payments of 175 dollars. Fine, I thought it was over with, we just pay them. Well, turns out he hasn't been paying them on time, even though I remind him when it's due, and now he had to dip into our savings AGAIN to give the another 1500 dollars to bring it up to date so that they wouldn't charge it off I am so utterly sick to my stomach over this. WE HAVE NOTHING LEFT. NOTHING. Our wedding is less than a year away and I need at least 15,000 dollars to pay my vendors, and I have NOTHIGN left in my savings now. He doesn't even care. He doesn't go to his second job anymore because 'he doesn't like it' or he's 'too tired', and I don't want to deal with this anymore. How can someone do that? how can they be so irresponsible. This is the ONE THING he is in charge of paying and it's only because they won't allow me to make the payments due to the fact we're not married yet. I'm just so miserable and I don't know what to do This is never going to work. I'll never have enough money for our wedding and he'll never f-ing grow up. I feel so depressed and helpless and I just want to not get married now

The problem is definitely deeper than the money. It's not just showing that he's bad at managing money, but that he doens't care about the strain it puts on you, or what it means for your wedding and future. I've seen this happen. It's just going to continue if you don't do something about it and you'lll NEVER have anything. I don't want to be so negative or say your FH is bad, but I really think you should seek counsling BEFORE you go any further with wedding planning. He's showing a disregard for you and your future together that's really disarming.
ETA: I'm so stupid for not putting them in the first place. And I want to let you know that most of us have problems with our FH's that make us want to run away screaming sometimes.

I'm so sorry and just don't even know what to say. Financial issues are never easy to deal with...I hope things get better...

I'm so sorry...maybe you should postpone your wedding until you clear up some of the issues...

I had FH pay off all his debts prior to getting married. He came clean with some things prior to our engagement and we worked out a plan. I refused to bail him out because I needed to see how serious he was about cleaning up his act. All the bills were paid off and he saved everything else for the wedding. As with everything we went into this 50/50 (with him making a **** load more than me).

Financial responsibility is very important to me and if I saw him slacking off we would not be getting married in 2 weeks. I feel very strongly about this. People CAN change, but they have to want to do it and ACTIONS speak louder than words...

I am very very very sorry you are going through this ... especially with someone YOU love.
But I have to be honest here - you cannot seriosuly consider marrying this man. He is irresponsible and will never be able to provide a stable home life for you.
In addition, do you think he really wants to get married? He doesn't seem to be making any effort to contribute or to become more responsible.
I think you need to really think about your situation and picture what your life will be like with someone as distructive as this.
He doesn't 'like' his second job or he's 'too tired' ??? And he's letting you pay HIS bills off - he has no respect for you or himself .... that's not a real man ...

I am very sorry you are going through this. Think about this before you walk down the aisle ... divorces are messy ... walk away while you still have a little dignity and can build up your savings again ... he could distroy your credit and everything you ever worked for.

I'd have to agree with dealing with his attitude & actions must take a front seat to planning /paying for the wedding.

I wish you strength & good luck

WOW...I am so sorry to hear about this. I'm gonna fess up here..I did the same thing....I moved out on my own, ended up not having enuogh $$ to pay bills, and ignored many of them. I ended up in therapy for depression and found out that my behavior is classic for adult attention deficit disorder...yes it exists and many adults don't know about it.....we are thought to just be procrastinators.

He needs hlep. You both need help...do you live together? are your accounts tied? Technically, if they are not, it's his responsibility and you shouldn't use your $$. They will then come after you for payments and not just him.

I hope you resolve this issue and you both get the help you need and that your FH opens his eyes.....

FM me if you need to!

I do think that there are serious issues there.

When I first started dating DH, he was VERY in debt. but, we worked through it. He paid off every penny of his debt- on his own, without any financial help from me! I sat down with him and helped him with working out budgets, taught him how to shop for sales, compare prices before making purchases.

But, he was very receptive toward my help and he made a BIG effort to clean up his finances.

To me, it sounds like this is an undue burden on you. And, things really don't change once you're married. If he's leaning on you now for $, he will still do it later.

I think that counseling would be a good idea.

Im sorry you are going through this. DH and I had some similar problems before the wedding. I had to talk to him and tell him that it's not fair to me or us as a couple. He is just so casual when it comes to paying bills. So during our marriage counseling, our pastor advised us try having me pay all the bills since it's not obviously his forte. He explained that in a relationship each partner has strengths and weaknesses. When one is weak in an area the other can complement them. It was a struggle but we definitely have come a long way. Even though I write most of the checks or pay online, we sit together monthly so I can let him know where we are financially.

As for not being allowed to pay his bills, that's not true. I know you can't call to inquire, but if you have the account # and address to send it there shouldn't be a problem. I paid DH's car note and insurance with checks from my account before we were married.

It is real important for you to work out money issues now. Or it will be a recurring issue in your marriage. FM me if you want to talk more bc I definitely know where you are coming from and can tell you how we dealt with it.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know he wants to get married, that is not the issue. And I know I DO want to marry him, but not under these circumstances. I feel like I am always making excuses for him and I am sick of it. I have no problem being the person who pays all of the bills. We have a joint account and both of our paychecks go into, but it's when he does not pay the f-ing bill that he is supposed that I lose it and think none of this is worth it. Neither of us make a lot of money at this point in our careers. We're young, we are not that far out of college and have both been in and gotten out of debt in the past, but I think that's why this is upsetting me so much. It's because we actually got ourselves out of debt and then back into that I want to scream. I don't know, I am just so confused and upset. I am so embarrassed by this, as well. Even when I WAS in debt, I always managed on my own and paid it off, so this is so hard for me. I don't know what to do. I don't even want to talk to him or look at him.

Is he getting into debt behind your back? Maybe make sure he tells you before every purchase?

Counseling is a very good idea to get your frustrations out and to talk this through and figure out a way to make this work.

I know you want to marry him, I didn't mean it like that ... I just meant ... I don't think you can walk down the aisle with this going on ... you need to stop planning a wedding and fix this before you can move forward with FH.

Good luck

He's not getting into anymore debt. This loan is two years old and it was used to pay for a portion of college for him. It was when we first moved in together, and I did have a hand in not paying it for a few months because we simply did not have the money. BUT, that was a year and a half ago and I thought the account was up to date now. I just spoke to him again and he said he did not take the 1500 out of our savings, he said he called them back and told them that no, he could not do make that payment, and they were able to break it down into three monthly payments. Which I want nothing to do with. Apparently, though, this was the amount left on the loan, not the amount to bring it up to date. So supposedly if he makes these three payments, he will be debt free. I guess I was so irrate that I did not listen to him in full. I told him he is not getting another cent from me. I just transferred the remaining measley 1500 dollars in our wedding account to my bank account where it can't be touched. That is where ALL of my money is going from now on. I told him I am not paying for his bills out of my money anymore. I will do the paying of them, but from his money. And anyhting that is mine, cell phone, car, etc., I will pay from my money. I feel a little bit better knowing that he only needs to pay off 1500 to be debt free, but I am still so upset that this situation even arose.

I'm really glad nit's not as bad as it first seemed

I had/have a somewhat similar problem w/ DH. He is more responsible now than he was when I met him. But that is from alot of fights, alot of tears and finally going to a financial advisor who showed us what our future looked like if he didn't start putting more $$ away and be more financially responsible.

Needless to say his credit has suffered a great deal because of his actions However, he cleaned up his act, stopped spending needlessly, has more of an active role in our finances as well. He is 30 though, so he has realized he needs to be an adult and more mature in regards to money matters.

Not every person is going to be the best in regards to finances. DH sucks at it, but he cleans for me and does a ton of errands for me w/o even asking. I don't mind being the money watcher. However your DH needs to take an active part in how much the vendors cost, how much you and he need to save every month. It does seem like he's being very passive about all of it. I'm sorry he didn't like his other job, but he needs to find a new p/t job that he does like to save more money. It cannot be all on you.

If you can, find a financial advisor who can help you work out an acceptable budget for everything. I don't want to say not to get married but definitely you have to make your FH understand his needless spending and always getting into debt HAS TO STOP or you'll be 'just getting by' for the rest of your life.

I agree with whoever first posted these two points...


- Postpone the wedding until this gets straightened out (it sounds like you haven't paid much so far so it wont kill you if you change a few dates)

- Do not reschedule the wedding until he COMPLETELY cleans up his act.


Good luck.
DJ

Money issues seem to be #1 plm with married couples, that being said, until you guys can figure out the right plan for both of you, you shouldn't go foward with the wedding.

FH & I have had many discussions, a few years back i was out of work for over 6 months and it took me almost 4 years to recover from that, my credit rating is still not as good as it could be but I have managed to get on the right path.

FH at this point is carrying alot of credit debt plus the car loan, so we are working together, and with some limited help from me we are getting him straight now too. Basically our plan is a simple one, I pay the min on one card for him, while he pays off the smaller bills in larger chunks and i do all of the saving for the wedding until he can take over the last card, it's worked for a few months now and we no longer fight about money. I told him once he has it down to the last card, then the money that he would put toward the wedding we could put in a money market account toward the house.

It's hard work, and very stressful on a relationship when money becomes an issue so the sooner you deal with it, the better off you will be. You have to be strong and put your foot down, which is seems like you are beginning to do. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to vent, please feel free to FM anytime!

I have no advice, but I wasnt to sympathize with the money situation..my wedding is in 6 months, we need like $12,000 and we have ZERO! So, that said, I agree it sounds like more then the money issue...before you marry him, you ened to talk and set goals and rules regarding your money..DO it now before its too late! I think you can work this out, but its gonna take a lot of talking and planning and sticking to it...Some men are helplessly BAD with finances...If you come up AGAIN with a plan and tell him how its hurting you and he disregards your feelings again, then you know there is a bigger issue..

Good luck!

Well, I think this definately calls for a sit down. $$ is such a big issue in so many marriages and I really think this needs to be resolved before moving ahead. I', sure your FH does not mean to burden you with this on purpose, but I can totally understand all of your frustration.