Is anyone else having problems with their FMIL? I am going crazy thanks to mine! We are having our engagement party soon, (which my FMIL offered to pay for at the beginning), but now suddenly is not offering any money. When we sent out invites she told me not to mention where we are registered, (SO I listened), and now she is telling me that I should have put it on the invitations because she doesnt like having to tell people when they ask where we registered. On top of all of this, she keeps adding people she wants invited to the party (and wedding), but I cant afford these people and I dont know who they are! My FH and I have told her that since we are paying for everything ourselves she cant just keep adding people to the list. But she seems to think this is her engagement party and her wedding. Infact she didnt speak to me for weeks because she feels that my FH and I are 'selfish' because we are choosing everything for our wedding without consulting with her first! I am so sick of it. I still have like 10 months until the wedding. I dont know how much longer I can put up with her! Thanks for listening everyone. :) Sorry this was so long. I will appreciate any advice here.
boosh78201
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Re: I too need to vent...
I had a similar situation with my mother n law. She would recommend on who we should book as far as vendors were concerned, and then get offended if we didnt go with her suggestion. I finally had to sit her down and had a discussion. I said I appreciate that she is giving suggestions but she has to understand that this our wedding and she cant get annoyed at anything we pick. After I did that she toned down alot.
You and your fiancee should defintely talk to her about this because it will only build up inside you until it explodes. Hope this helps.
I'm lucky...My FMIL is in Arizona...but FH's aunt has taken her place...You need to have your FH talk to her and put HIS foot down...like it is coming from HIM and not YOU!!
The best line is...if you want to invite people...you have to pay for them...+tax and gratuity...when they find out...they will change their tune...
christy
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
I tried saying if you want to invite people you need to pay for them...My FMIL's response to this was...'IF I pay for them, then I keep the gifts they give you!' ....see what I am dealing with here!
shamma
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
This is not her day, and your FI needs to step in and let her know this. My FI and I are paying for our wedding in its entirety and we split the guest list down the middle. I gave my mother some of my guest and my FI did not offer any of his guest to his mother. I think its fair that she pays for anyone she wants to invite that neither you nor your FI knows. I hope something positive happens for you soon with this situation, b/c you definitely do not need this stress right now.
All the best
michele31
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
Here was my solution to a similar problem. My parents want some of their friends invited to our wedding. Since we are paying for 99.9% of it, FH and I told them that anyone NOT on our invite list they need to pay the per person + tax+ gratudity reception price for. We did not add one person that we didn't know and love to our list. My parents have 19 people on their list that will be invited and that they have to pay for. They also agreed that it was a fair comprimise.
Your FH needs to speak up to his mother and tell her that she needs to back off. Tell her that you both love her and want to share this special time with you but that she needs to respect your decisions.
Also registery info should NEVER be put on an invite. It is very rude to do so. You did the right thing.
dora
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
Your MIL-to-be sounds like a real piece of work... You have my sympathies!!
The only advice I'd give is that, this is going to be tough -- there's no two ways around it (the 'I'll keep their gifts' comment is proof positive). Just bear in mind that this is the first of many battles you will probably have to face with this woman. You've tried to be reasonable -- but now I think it's time to be tough -- or SHE WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU for the rest of your married life! If you let her push you around about the wedding, do you honestly believe it will stop there? Next it'll be pushing you around about where & how you'll live, where you'll spend holidays, how you'll raise kids etc.
If you've got to choose between being a doormat to this woman or the DIL that she doesn't get along with -- which do you prefer?
I agree though -- it's your FH that has to step up to the plate and be a husband first & son second! He's got to let her know that she had better stop with the s**t or else her add-on guests won't be the only ones not getting an invite! If she wants to say you're selfish -- IGNORE HER! Or better yet, tell her, maybe you're right, maybe we are being selfish --> but it's a healthy kind of selfish. Not letting people walk all over you is the kind of selfish everyone should strive for.
I'm sorry -- I now I'm pretty militant / angry about these things -- but I hear about situations like this all the time and 'nice guys' never win. You deserve better than her as a MIL -- but it's a package deal -- you can rarely get a FI without a MIL....
Good luck...
IrishTracy
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
I agree with Dora. I don't understand why people who neither you or your FH have never met she feels you need to invite! I would just have him tell her that this is the way it is whether she likes it or not. It's not like these 'friends' will be expected to be invited. But as Dora said get this out in the open now. Because the Holidays & everything else will come up.
I still can't beleive she said she'd keep the gifts. It's appauling! She seems like a charming woman. May I never meet her!!
I wish you alot of luck! (you're going to need it)
Cindy
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Re: I too need to vent...
Christy, I feel for you because I have had nothing but grief from my FMIL. Never anything positive about the wedding. Just grief!! My shower was another whole situation. Especially since my family over heard all of her negativity on that day saying, ' I dont know how I will get through this day.' I have come to the realization that there is no pleasing her. I even asked her daughter to be in my wedding (FH's sister) to try to have some unity, but she is never going to be happy. I could go on all day about this subject, but just try hard not to let it get to you. If you ever want to email me, [email protected]. Good Luck!
Maybe the solution is to accept her proposal...she pays and keeps the gifts...If you say that to her, she may see how foolish it sound. Anyway, If you don't invite them, you won't get the gifts anyway.
be strong!
SomedayBride
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Re: I too need to vent...
We also have an agreement that our parents will pay for any of their friends that they want to invite. It's just fair that way. Ask your FMIL if she was having a party, would she mind if you invited all of your friends? And take her up on the 'if I'm paying, I get to keep the gifts' and tell her that if she keeps the gifts, she writes the thank you card, this way her friends will see how ridiculous she is.
Becky
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
Wow, you have my sympathy! She sounds like a nightmare. I like Yabbobay's idea of agreeing to hand over the gifts if she pays for those guests. But, if she doesn't realize how foolish that is, I would tell her that SHE needs to send the thank yous for HER presents Hang in there.
brooke
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Re: I too need to vent...Yabbobay
There is nothing more frustrating than a difficult situation with a MIL, present or future! This is a good way to see how your FH will respond in the future because you KNOW other things will come up as time goes on! My mom always tells me 'if a man has to get in the middle of his wife and his mother, the wife will ALWAYS lose'. Hope it works out!!
christy
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Re: I too need to vent...
Thanks so much to all of you for the advice, and for making me realize that she is as bad as I thought! Unfortunately my FH has stood up to her plenty, infact she hasnt been speaking to us for weeks because we had it out with her. She was furious that we were a team. She hated the fact the my FH agreed with me and so now things are ugly. But I am just going to keep my chin and remember this is not my FMIL's wedding. I hope that it all works out. I appreciate all the advice, you may hear me venting again soon. But I sure hope not...thanks again!
Cindy
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Re: I too need to vent...
Christy- Be happy he sticks by you. I have had a little issue with that and it is tough. Just include all the people that are happy with the planning and just move on. Good luck! P.S. I am getting ready to do my menus at Flowerfield. It is going by so fast!
