I'm upset and I probably shouldn't be....very long story

I need to vent., sorry. Things between FH and I were happy and fine until February when his father suddenly died. I was really hard for the whole family to swallow. Now here I am trying to be there for FH and I have no idea what it is like to lose someone close to me (I'm 25 and all 4 grandparents are alive) nor had anyone close to me lose someone close to them. This has been really hard. I just don't know how to deal with this. FH says he wants things to be easy, I really don't know what that means but when I try and make things 'easy' it is never good enough he thinks it's not easy (and when I say things I mean everything from all walks of life, not just the wedding) and obviously then there are the things he doesn't know am smoothing over for him b/c they are easy.

Well this is starting to take a toll on me. I am becoming so stressed with this. There are so many things that I can't say to him right now, b/c he is so emotional or it won't go over well.

My biggest thing is that since his father died he feels like he needs to be this protector of his mother. mind you he has 2 brothers. He usually will sleep over one night a weekend, but if his brother who still lives home is going to be out late he won't stay over. So recently it has been less and less and I spend less time with him. I hate it.

Also he said that he may want to get a mother/dauhter with his mom if she decides to sell the house. I don't think this is a good idea. I feel like he would spend more time with her and worrying about then he would in our own place.

Am I a horrible person for feeling this way. I just don't know how to handle this anymore I want my relationship back and I want to spend more time with my FH and it seems impossible.

Last night he wanted to watch the baseball game and he said if I was up at the end he would come stay over. Well I called him at 1am and guess who was sleeping. He didn't even watch it.
Then he was supposed to come over today and he didn't, he was talking to his mom.
I just want to spend time with him!

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Posted by kab523

I need to vent., sorry. Things between FH and I were happy and fine until February when his father suddenly died. I was really hard for the whole family to swallow. Now here I am trying to be there for FH and I have no idea what it is like to lose someone close to me (I'm 25 and all 4 grandparents are alive) nor had anyone close to me lose someone close to them. This has been really hard. I just don't know how to deal with this. FH says he wants things to be easy, I really don't know what that means but when I try and make things 'easy' it is never good enough he thinks it's not easy (and when I say things I mean everything from all walks of life, not just the wedding) and obviously then there are the things he doesn't know am smoothing over for him b/c they are easy.

Well this is starting to take a toll on me. I am becoming so stressed with this. There are so many things that I can't say to him right now, b/c he is so emotional or it won't go over well.

My biggest thing is that since his father died he feels like he needs to be this protector of his mother. mind you he has 2 brothers. He usually will sleep over one night a weekend, but if his brother who still lives home is going to be out late he won't stay over. So recently it has been less and less and I spend less time with him. I hate it.

Also he said that he may want to get a mother/dauhter with his mom if she decides to sell the house. I don't think this is a good idea. I feel like he would spend more time with her and worrying about then he would in our own place.

Am I a horrible person for feeling this way. I just don't know how to handle this anymore I want my relationship back and I want to spend more time with my FH and it seems impossible.

Last night he wanted to watch the baseball game and he said if I was up at the end he would come stay over. Well I called him at 1am and guess who was sleeping. He didn't even watch it.
Then he was supposed to come over today and he didn't, he was talking to his mom.
I just want to spend time with him!

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I don't think your horrible but I do think you should talk to him about how you're feeling. FH mentioned that when we got our house he wanted his mom to move in & I had to express my opposite feelings about it. He understood & we reached a compromise. Talk to home and express how your feeling. He may not realize how it's impacting you.

i know this is hard for you ...but you have to imagine what if you were in his place? i have lost people close to me and its so hard i couldnt imagine if it was a parent. FH suddenly lost his grandfather last year and for a while he was upset but with time it got easier its still hard for everyone but you just have to give him time everyone heals differently maybe he feels like he needs to be there for his mom not only to 'protect' her but maybes hes worried about losing her as well cause it is said that people who have lived most of their lives together when one dies the other one normally does short after....i dont think you should have to walk on eggshells because of this maybe tell him how you feel...what if you go over spend time with him and his mother? just be there for him pretty much all you can do ...hope this helps

I can understand why you're so upset. But his father did die only 2 months ago. I know if it was my father, neither me nor my mother would be the same 2 months later.

However, I would make sure that his grieving process is a healthy one. Maybe he should seek counsling. This could help refocus his life on his future rather then on the past and keep him on the right path. A third party may be better at helping him strengthen the relationship between the 2 of you. I'd be worried about bringing it up myself because it could come off as an attack and like you said, you've never gone through something like this and he's gonna feel like you don't understand or you're being insensitive.

Good luck with everything. I hope your FH will be ok.

i know that this is hard for you but it is harder for him. you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. at the same time, give him sometime to heal on his own. yes, it's complicated. it's not a easy task.

good wishes!!!

I lost my dad a few years back on his 43 birthday of a sudden heart attack... I lost my mind for a good year, and my mom lost hers for even longer... She's only just now really showing signs of moving on, and I basically took over as the parent and took care of her, but after a year I reached a point where I couldnt do it anymore and needed to have my life back, thats why I moved away from her and to NYC...
I guess I don't know what my point is, except, the grieving process of losing a parent is really really hard, and I understand his wanting to take care of and concern for his mother.... The best I can say is it gets better with time and IMO, that's all. Definately keep communication open and keep sharing your feelings with him, and try to keep him talking and sharing his feelings... I kind of closed myself off to everyone around me at the time and ruined alot of relationships and closed alot of doors... My heart goes out to everyone that has to deal with this... It will get better

i know it has only been 2 months and I need to be patient with him and there for him. But when I am told I am doing nothing to make this easy for him it kills me b/c he doesn't see my efforts. I have been trying to spend more time with his family which I know is what he wants and when I go over there he wants to go in his room and lay down or go on the comp. I usually stay with his mom and talk to her.
Last night we went to see his cousin in a show at the local theater after FBIL and his g/f were talking about dinner FH didn't want to go and said I should go with them. no problem. once we started talking about what we should have and I suggested sushi he went on how they didn't want that and how was I going to get home since I have no car and he wanted to watch baseball and our long talk the night before made him miss half the game and he didn't want to miss it sat night. it made me feel so horrible like he didn't want me around. my efforts go unnoticed and pushed aside along with my feelings.

The whole thing worries me we are getting married in 10 months what if things don't change. I mentioned postponing the wedding he said that was not what he wanted. he said he wants to start his life with me. I just don't feel like that is so true right now.

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Posted by Teamhurldon

I lost my dad a few years back on his 43 birthday of a sudden heart attack... I lost my mind for a good year, and my mom lost hers for even longer... She's only just now really showing signs of moving on, and I basically took over as the parent and took care of her, but after a year I reached a point where I couldnt do it anymore and needed to have my life back, thats why I moved away from her and to NYC...
I guess I don't know what my point is, except, the grieving process of losing a parent is really really hard, and I understand his wanting to take care of and concern for his mother.... The best I can say is it gets better with time and IMO, that's all. Definately keep communication open and keep sharing your feelings with him, and try to keep him talking and sharing his feelings... I kind of closed myself off to everyone around me at the time and ruined alot of relationships and closed alot of doors... My heart goes out to everyone that has to deal with this... It will get better

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i really appreciate your advice and his story is very similar it was 10 days after his Dad's b-day.