I'm in a bit of a situation and would like your opinion being that you non-family related. (Because as you all know family opinions can stress you out!)
FH's parents are divorced and his Dad got remarried. His wife has a son who is FH (stepbrother) who got married 2 years ago. I became very close with FH stepbrothers future wife and she asked me to be in her bridal party)
So fast foward when I got engaged never got a phone call, never returned my emails and never had time to talk to me anymore after I spent a lot of money and time and effort to find out about how everything was going with her wedding plans. On her wedding night they got pregnant and I was there for all of the baby planning, spent tons of money on her baby shower and called her almost every day!
She has not called me once since FH and I got engaged and we have decided not to have them in out bridal party - I go back and forth because I know they are techincally going to be our future 'family' but they can't at least make a little effort? I'm so hurt and I really don't want to ask but we are getting grief from FH's stepmom and Dad and then to top it all off they are a little perturbed because we didn't ask the Stepbrothers daugther to be our flowergirl, (FH's stepmom told me that was ok because she would want a 3 years old to take away from me!!!!!) we aren't having kids in the wedding except my 11 year old sister who is a Jr Bm. Am I wrong for not asking...I made so much effort when it was her time and she always gives the excuse she is just so busy to call or email.grrrrrr.....
FH doesn't care either way, he actually tells me he doesn't want them there but I don't know if there will be reprocussions later on in life.
What would you ladies do?
Sorry so long and I hope this makes sense.
Espo22
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
if it were me i would ask her straight up 'is there a problem?' she'll ask why and say well you never return my emails or phone calls so that gives me the impression that maybe something is wrong. I would just ask her, you dont have to go into details like well i paid for alot of baby things for you and so on, just bring up the point about her not returning any of your phone calls for a long time
Kimbalina
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
I would track her down and ask why there has been no communication etc...
You want to come off as nice and caring, IMO because this will be family
SOTHISISLOVE53109
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
I would never bring up how much I spent, because honestly I'm not like that - It would have been nice if she made the effort. I saw her a few weeks ago for the first time in a year and she didn't ask about anything...NOTHING?!?!
I feel in my heart we made the right choice because FH and I surround on selves on that day with our immediate siblings who are there for us with everything.
I'm just getting the grief from FH's stepmom - how come my beautiful step daughter and grandaughter won't be in the party...grrr.
And then if and when I use to call her she couldn't talk on the phone because 'it's her husbands time'
I was there for her all the way and I basically feel like I was used and really don 't have anything to say to her.
I'm hoping you ladies will make it ok..and that I don't sound like such a b**tch like FH's stepmom thinks I am because I don't her flat out this is why FH and I wanted to elope so we didn't have to deal with this crap.;
Denise how are you feeling my the way? You answer almost every post - your amazing! You are getting close - how exciting!!!!!!
jaep129
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
Ok one you don't have to have to have the kid as a flower girl especially if you are not having any others. Second the hell with them. You don't have to have the parents either. I would still invite them but not have them be in the wedding party. Third I would be hurt too but I have found that peoples true colors come out at weddings.
SOTHISISLOVE53109
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
Posted by jaep129
Ok one you don't have to have to have the kid as a flower girl especially if you are not having any others. Second the hell with them. You don't have to have the parents either. I would still invite them but not have them be in the wedding party. Third I would be hurt too but I have found that peoples true colors come out at weddings.
lol - or her true color came out after her wedding...when I was not need anymore!
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and usally I'll give in but I just can't get past this one.
But yes I like your analogy to hell with them!
Espo22
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
Posted by SOTHISISLOVE53109
I would never bring up how much I spent, because honestly I'm not like that - It would have been nice if she made the effort. I saw her a few weeks ago for the first time in a year and she didn't ask about anything...NOTHING?!?!
I feel in my heart we made the right choice because FH and I surround on selves on that day with our immediate siblings who are there for us with everything.
I'm just getting the grief from FH's stepmom - how come my beautiful step daughter and grandaughter won't be in the party...grrr.
And then if and when I use to call her she couldn't talk on the phone because 'it's her husbands time'
I was there for her all the way and I basically feel like I was used and really don 't have anything to say to her.
I'm hoping you ladies will make it ok..and that I don't sound like such a b**tch like FH's stepmom thinks I am because I don't her flat out this is why FH and I wanted to elope so we didn't have to deal with this crap.;
Denise how are you feeling my the way? You answer almost every post - your amazing! You are getting close - how exciting!!!!!!
well you made all the effort and really seems like you went above and beyond. I would sincerely ask her if something is wrong and see what she says next. Honestly if after that she doesnt make any effort with you, walk away from it knowing you did nothing wrong. Why dont you tell Stepmom, well if she ever returned any of my calls maybe i would ask
thank you so much for asking, its getting better. OMG i know, anxiety hit me this weekend and in one hour my countdown goes down into the 30's
Kerin2804
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
I am sorry that you have to deal with this situation. Stick to your guns. As you said you & fh have picked the people who are involved in your lives. If FH step mom persists then honestly but politely answer I have called, emailed and received no response so we chose other people. As for the flower girl, You have your little sister as a Jbm and that is great !!!
KK Holiday
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
I think you dont have to ask anyone. not the wife, not the little girl--no one.
They have shown how they feel about your wedding through their actions. As hurtful as that is you can not ignore it. Asking them would be a slap in your own face..if she is passive now, she is just going to be a bother as a BM (not getting her dress in time etc).
And when FH's stepmom asks you why her beautiful children arent going to be in the wedding. i would say 'because they dont return my phone calls' and leave it at that.
dont let their rudeness ruin your planning for a minute! it is terrible how they are acting toward you when you have been nothing but supportive. but i would just write them off. invite them to the wedding but dont go out of your way to extend any special invitations otherwise.
the ball is in their court!
good luck!
Belongs2DanBuckley
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
That's a little bizarre....I would definately ask if there was a problem....is there any way you could just go there? Maybe do that and discuss it. Personally, whatever you think will cause you the least amount of stress, go with that and don't worry about pleasing anyone else. I know it hurts but weddings and funerals bring out the WORST in people!
wundmoretime
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
I don't think that you should be in this alone. Your FH needs to support your decision. It is his family and he should be involved in the discussions. Be upfront with your FH stepmom and let her know that you will be making the decisions that you feel are appropriate for your wedding day and that you appreciate her input. There is a world of difference between an 11 yr old and a 3 yr old. It is also your sister, not your step-niece. You can simply state that you are only inviting siblings and anyone over 18 (if this is true). I am drawing a line on the invited kids, it is only my nieces and nephews and my FH step nieces and nephews. Otherwise noone under 18. If you are not inviting or don't have any siblings with kids, other than her, than that should work. FH step sister alienated herself from you. Don't cave because of someone's pressure. I like to be a people pleaser too and somehow you have to figure out how to say 'no' and I know how hard that can be. Good luck.
SOTHISISLOVE53109
Posted:
Member since
Re: In a situation and I'd love your expertise!
Posted by wundmoretime
I don't think that you should be in this alone. Your FH needs to support your decision. It is his family and he should be involved in the discussions. Be upfront with your FH stepmom and let her know that you will be making the decisions that you feel are appropriate for your wedding day and that you appreciate her input. There is a world of difference between an 11 yr old and a 3 yr old. It is also your sister, not your step-niece. You can simply state that you are only inviting siblings and anyone over 18 (if this is true). I am drawing a line on the invited kids, it is only my nieces and nephews and my FH step nieces and nephews. Otherwise noone under 18. If you are not inviting or don't have any siblings with kids, other than her, than that should work. FH step sister alienated herself from you. Don't cave because of someone's pressure. I like to be a people pleaser too and somehow you have to figure out how to say 'no' and I know how hard that can be. Good luck.
FH and I are not confrontational people at all and we have tried to avoid this for 2 years!!! and a few weeks ago it finally came up and we nipped it in the butt right away. FH supports anything I feel so it took a little while to get his true feelings and he feels that they shouldnt be in our bridal party. Thanks ladies for all your advice it really helps because family opinions are very strong and sometimes leave you more confused! It's just so annoying because yesterday FH's father called and asked again are you sure you don't want to invite them? We just wan't them to leave us alone!!!
