DH's brother is divorced and claims never to have any money, which is why he backed out of the bridal party. However his 2 sons were taking part in the ceremony. One was reading a Scripture passage, the other brought up the offatory gifts. BIL claims it's his Ex's responsibility to get new suits (or at least sport jackets) for the kids to wear at the wedding. My ex-SIL (who DH & I are good friends with) does not have a lot of $$$ either, since BIL is late w/almost every child support payment. Knowing this, DH offered to rent tuxes for the boys. BIL refused. In the end, the boys only had their white shirts and black ties (are we at a funeral???) at the wedding. DH is furious at BIL and hasn't spoken to him since then. We think it was only a way for BIL to 'get back' at ex-SIL in family court. He even had the nerve to tell the judge that his sons didn't have proper clothing for his brother's wedding. (We told Ex-SIL what we offered to do). The judge said it wasn't her responsibility to buy things for his family's functions.
Every time DH sees the family picture on our wall, he gets even angrier and frustrated at his brother for purposely ruining the wedding day.
Do you think he's over-reacting, or should he just let it go???
Thanks, Donna
september2004
Posted:
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
i think he needs to let it go...
i would tell him to stop thinking of himself so much and have some empathy for his brother who is going through a hard time. it's just an outfit. he has a wonderful wife and family while his brother is in pain...
i would tell my DH to put things in perspective and get over it...
Mishu
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
i can see why he maybe upset..However there is nothing he can do about it...it is in the past and all that matters that you 2 are happy and had a great day even if it was shadowed by family feuds
good luck
BlondeJD
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
I think you are going to get a lot of different opinions on this issue because I see it completely opposite from september2004 . I think it was your BIL who was being selfish in this instance and if I were your DH, I'd be really upset. I'd eventually get over it but only after a sincere and lengthy apology from BIL. I would agree that it would be overreacting if you guys hadn't been generous enough to offer to get the boys tuxes. But you did and BIL refused. To me, it's clear that he did this, like you said, to get back at your ex-SIL rather than out of pride. He wasn't too proud to tell you that SIL had to pay for the suits, you know? And obviously, BIL knew it was inappropriate for the boys to wear what they did given what he said in court. I'd be upset because BIL put his own petty needs above making his brother's wedding day easier (by letting you get the tuxes). So, yeah, I'd be upset and would want an apology.
ETA: As someone who has been caught in the middle of my sibling's marital problems (it was great that my mother missed seeing me graduate high school because my brother and SIL were too busy arguing to pick her up), I'm probably a little more sensitive to this kind of thing than others
littlewilson
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
I understand why he's upset; his brother does sound manipulative and should have accepted the tux rentals. But I also think your DH should try to get over it at this point. There's no need for them to completely make up and be super-chummy, but maybe DH can try to see his brother for what he is, accept his shortcomings, and get to the point where they can at least talk and be cordial at family functions.
mrsmck
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
I'm sure divorce is very painful for all involved, but BIL is the one who left his family for a new girlfriend. My nephews don't like her and even said they wouldn't come to the wedding if their dad brought her. His response? 'How can I choose between the woman I love and my kids?'
To me that's a no-brainer. Kids ALWAYS come first, and for him to even ask that shows just how selfish he actually is. DH said his brother was always selfish and self-centered as a kid.
Donna
september2004
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
Posted by mrsmck
I'm sure divorce is very painful for all involved, but BIL is the one who left his family for a new girlfriend. My nephews don't like her and even said they wouldn't come to the wedding if their dad brought her. His response? 'How can I choose between the woman I love and my kids?'
To me that's a no-brainer. Kids ALWAYS come first, and for him to even ask that shows just how selfish he actually is. DH said his brother was always selfish and self-centered as a kid.
Donna
with that background i would have lowered my expectations and have been prepared to deal with the unexpected.
like you said, i would focus on the kids not the brother...i wouldn't stoop to his level and perpetuate the immature and selfish behavior. just be happy that the kids were involved and presumably had a good time, regardless what they were wearing. it's not a reflection on you, it's a poor reflection on his brother and ex, and i would leave it at that...
Dooodles
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
Posted by jenniesunshine
I think you are going to get a lot of different opinions on this issue because I see it completely opposite from september2004 . I think it was your BIL who was being selfish in this instance and if I were your DH, I'd be really upset. I'd eventually get over it but only after a sincere and lengthy apology from BIL. I would agree that it would be overreacting if you guys hadn't been generous enough to offer to get the boys tuxes. But you did and BIL refused. To me, it's clear that he did this, like you said, to get back at your ex-SIL rather than out of pride. He wasn't too proud to tell you that SIL had to pay for the suits, you know? And obviously, BIL knew it was inappropriate for the boys to wear what they did given what he said in court. I'd be upset because BIL put his own petty needs above making his brother's wedding day easier (by letting you get the tuxes). So, yeah, I'd be upset and would want an apology.
ETA: As someone who has been caught in the middle of my sibling's marital problems (it was great that my mother missed seeing me graduate high school because my brother and SIL were too busy arguing to pick her up), I'm probably a little more sensitive to this kind of thing than others
I am in complete agreement here with Jenn. While I think it will be healthier for DH to try and let it go, I know what sibling frustration is like. I let mine get at me for years - without ever getting an extremely deserving apology. BIL sounds terribly selfish!
RedHead
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Re: Is DH over-reacting?--kinda long....
Posted by september2004
i think he needs to let it go...
i would tell him to stop thinking of himself so much and have some empathy for his brother who is going through a hard time. it's just an outfit. he has a wonderful wife and family while his brother is in pain...
i would tell my DH to put things in perspective and get over it...
I totally agree !!!! WELL SAID! Your wedding was well over a year ago now...move on...for your DH to not talk to his brother over little things like this is silly
