is it happening to me?

Okay guys - here's where things get a little down. Sorry to do it on a Monday morning, but I need some advice and some talking down off a ledge. I really wanted to post under another name, but I am not sure how to do that - and...you girls have been really helpful and it's not fair that you don't know who you are talking to. So - at the risk of putting myself out on a line here...it seems my FH has cold feet. We had a tough evening the other night, - he was being really distant (we had been to our tasting) and finally spat out that he 'doesnt' think he is ready to do this in November'. I actually held it together really well. We have been together for 9 years, and I am very used to him having a hard time with change. He also gets very jittery in front of his family - long story. Anyway - we talked through it and of course he was taking it back within an hour or so. I understand he freaked out - and he's insecure at times. I also understand that for him, this was kind of the first time it hit him head on about how soon this all is happening. I have been trying to spend quality time with him recently and he just seems distant. He said that he knows he went too far and that he loves me and all the gush stuff that I sort of needed to hear. But, I feel like something was kind of destroyed in that one moment. After all this time, I thought he was really sure. And now I feel like that moment when he sees me at the door prepared to walk down the aisle....just won't be the same.

It sounds to me from all your posts that your FH's are all so enthusiastic with the planning - at least wanting to be involved. I don't know if maybe there are some pearls of wisdom from anybody who has gone through this. It's been hard because I haven't told anybody else - my sister would just die, my mom forget it, and my friends would just be so disappointed in him. And he's not a bad person. He (I am hoping) is just confused right now. I just hope I am doing the right thing. I have always trusted my judgement, and I guess I am doubting a lot of stuff right now. Sorry for the long story. I am sure everything will be fine and I'll be posting about my tiara again in no time......Thanks guys.

Jenny - I'm so sorry to hear that you guys got into an argument. I think it's normal for all of us, men and women, to get a little nervous when we think about the 'big day'. This is a HUGE lifetime committment and you should be glad that he really is taking the time to consider what he is actually doing. It's not something that we should take lightly. We all are going to get up there and say our vows, and truly mean them.

I'm sure the stress of planning has gotten to him and I'm sure he didn't mean what he said. Try to give him a little space and let him know that you guys are going to get through this together.

No one ever said it was easy planning a wedding! Good luck to you and your FH...you guys will get through it! You haven't been together for the last 9 years for nothing!

I think many couples will at some point have that type of conversation for a variety of different reasons. One could be the whole financial thing. Take us for example, mY FI and I have been together for many years and he has a hard time committing FINANCIALLY. It's all about 'what if i lose my job' or 'you lose your job' and thinking who you will have this amazing financial burden of the wedding and after. It's scary. It took him 5 months to solidly decide to buy a car! People get nervous for all sorts of reasons. I think also sometimes when a couple has been together for so long in one way that might be more scary too... I mean after being together for so long and things were going well, why risk changing it by getting married? You know 'don't rock the boat...' blah, blah, blah...Honestly, i think what happened with you was so common and very normal. The expression 'wedding jitters' isn't popular without good reason. Ask yourself and him where the jitters are coming from (finances, change, etc.). I'm sure his answer will make you feel better. Good luck with everything and remember that many people go through this and how much you really do love one another.

Jenny,
OMG, I wish I had something smart to say...............I don't want to give you bad advice.
Does he have a super close trusted friend or brother you could talk to? Maybe they could try to get the truth about his feelings out for you. You need to have an honest answer. I think it would be terrible for you to have to doubt or wonder. At the same time I don't think you should harp on it w/him. That's all I can think of, hopefully some of the other girls will have good advice.
I'm here if you need anything, I'll say a prayer for you & Fi too(I'm not a religous nut, but I think it's worth it)

Hey Jenny, I will try and ease your mind if I can. I met my husband in July of 2000 and he put a ring on my finger 3 weeks later. We lived together for a year prior to getting married and can't tell you it what HELL he put me through sometimes, everytime we had a arguement or disagreement he would threatened the relationship i.e the WEDDING, I was a bag of nerves half the time and always talked nice to him like I was walking on egg shells, I made excuses for him (to myself, I didn't dare tell anyone what he was doing) that maybe we needed more time to get to know each other and blah blah....Well it was HIM not me and that was his own insecurity and as immature as it was, be thankful that your FH is talking to you instead of 'taunting' you like mine was..My financee was a real jerk when he kept attacking the wedding, so you know what I did? I stopped REACTING, and his tune changed, maybe it was his last time to feel 'in control' who knows, the bottom line is we did get married and we will be celebrating our year anniversary next month and I couldn't be more happier...I knew from the first date there was a great man in there, unfortunately sometimes they need to grow up and since you've been with him nine years, you should know him inside and out!! Take a deep breath....your FH is not going anywhere, trust me....it's just all starting to sink in with him and of course he is getting cold feet..after keeping things the same for 9 years and now it's changing...now it's official and he will get over it..just try not to react and see what happens...men also want to know if we are absolutely sure as well. Keep your chin up and let us know what happens.

I don't think cold feet is unusual. He finds change diffult and you mentioned his family stresses him..It might just be too much to be involved in the planning, tasting, family involvement, etc. I think instead of spending time together he needs to spend time thinking and reflecting on his own. He obviously loves you and wants to be with you forever---you guys have been together for 9 years! Let him know that his happiness and the love you share is more important than wedding plans-I could be completely wrong but I think if wedding plans and wedding talk are put on the back burner he will feel calmer and will remember why he is marrying you in the first place.

All these wedding plans can get a little crazy----I feel put off by them but am madly in love with my FH.

I can imagine how hurt you are but he felt close enought to you to let you know how he feels---he chose to share his fears instead of just running away. Give it more time----November is a few months away. If he is unsure in a couple of months, then you both have some tough choices to make but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Also---as far as everyone seeming so enthusiastic on the boards---I am sure many people have doubts, fears and problems in their relationships. I guarantee you are not alone---so try not to feel that way.

I hope each day gets better for---Take care

Ugh - I just wrote this whole long story to you, and then my computer performed an 'illegal operation'...I'll try again here.

First off, hang in there...

My friend went thru something very similar. Her current husband (at the time her FH), started pulling away and becoming more distant. When she talked to him about it, he made it seem like he had cold feet. But she was constantly walking on eggshells around him as to not rock the boat anymore. Of course she thought it had something to do with her, although we tried to explain to her that it was HIM and HIS ISSUES with committment, that had nothing whatsoever to do with her. He is a grown man, 37, and probably dealing with issues he never actually wanted to deal with before. After a while, she was fed up with being nervous and edgy all the time around him. She actually stopped wearing her engagement ring, because she didn't want to fool herself into believing this was actually going to happen. After a while she confronted the topic she had been dreading - was the wedding on or was it off. She suggested going to couple counseling to try to work thru it, and if he refused, she was done. Well he agreed to it - and she said it was the best thing they could have done for their relationship. Having an objective opinion really helped them to figure out certain issues - mostly from past events that didn't include one or the other.

Is this something you would consider? I've heard of others doing it as well...I'm not saying you guys need it, but the option is there, and could be helpful if it went that far.

Men and women get jitters. It's just a fact. But getting them out in the open is healthier than holding them in - at least you know what he's going thru and can let him work it out.

And please don't worry about this whole thing putting a damper on your very special day - when he sees you for the first time, it will be a great experience for both of you. I'm sure you will leave him speechless, because he will be marrying the most amazing woman!

All the best to you....

Jenny,
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I know you will get through this. I think that a lot of men get really nervous about this stuff. For some reason they think that things will drastically change after marriage. IMO, things shouldn't change that much. You are both committed to each other so he probably isn't worried about that. There must be some other issue (that probably has nothing to do with you) that is freaking him out.
Good luck

jenny
i am so sorry to hear whats going on.
give him his space for a bit and see what happens. obviously if you two have been together for 9 years he loves you!!
please let us know what happens. i am sure it will all turn out fine.
whenever you need to vent or talk, we are here for you. you can even email me and i'll be happy to 'talk'.
smile for now

Hi... Wow, how I can relate!!! Something extremely similiar happened to us back in the beginning of May. Our wedding is August 31, and we're getting married on our 9 year anniversary. (Too weird!!!) Anyway, he was acting the same way, things between us were weird for a short period of time. He basically said he wasn't sure what he felt, etc., and let's just say after that moment, I felt so horrible!!! I wouldn't even come on this board for a couple of weeks. I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore, you know! But now, everything is fine, he's just as excited as I am. We're down to less than 7 weeks!!! I'm sure everything will be fine. I do know exactly how you feel though! I'm not sure what was up with my FI, but he's over it now. Things couldn't be better. I wish you the best of luck!!! If you need anything else, let me know!

Jenny, I'm not really good with this kind of advice and I think all the other girls pretty much said it all. I'm sure things will all work out, you two love eachother and that will get you through this tough time and make your relationship a stronger one. Keep the lines of communication open with you FH and know that we are all here for you.

Jenny,
This exact same thing happened to me. We got engaged July of 99 and planned a Nov 2000 wedding.. he was generally not involved with any of the planning, but i just kind of assumed that he was a man and that it was typical for men to not be involved.. about 2 months before the wedding we basically had nothing saved and he went out and bought a new car (that should have been my second hint) he clearly was not ready to get married.. then we started fighting alot.. about 1 month before the wedding he said he didnt know if he could go through with it.. and then after we waited another 2 weeks he just couldnt give me an answer so we canceled it... Well i didnt want to break off the engagement and then break up and move out (i didnt think i could handle all that at once) slowly our relationship got back on track and he propsed on our 6 year anniv. and we were married a month and a half later (i couldnt put myself through a long engagement). so you should definatly look for signs early on.. I will be thinking of you and hope that all turns out..

My FH and I have been together for 5 years, and if it was totally up to him we would never marry. We would just go on living together the way we are. I don't believe he will ever be 100% ready to be married. I have no doubt of his feelings for me, nor does he. Whenever we hit some big milestone in our planning he had this look of pure panic/fear on his face, which can be a downer for me. But in his defense, my FH has never been exposed to a happy marriage, and that's the source of his fear/panic. He can't help but feel like he is going to end up like all of those other terrible examples. The only reason why dispite all of this we're getting married is because he knows where his fear comes from, and it's not about he and I. We've had many, many conversations about this, and I think that has been our saving grace.

My MOH was recently engaged, and her FH is the same way. He has no doubts about the relationship or wanting to marry her.....it just scares the heck out of him, and that's not going to change.

I'm not sure I'm making any sense, but I hope this helps you even a little bit.

Hang in there-
Jen

Jenny, you are in my thoughts and I hope that you both get through this. I agree with the other girls and I do think he may need some 'alone' time - maybe he feels a bit clastrophobic. It would be great if he had someone else, who is happily married, to talk too. But couple counseling could be an option - there may be some hidden feelings that can come up. I know my husband was getting frustrated with how I was so wrapped up into the wedding, that someone he knows, told him to 'ride the storm' and every since then, I think he started to understand my logic. But this is a little different. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I can only offer you my ear and my email, if you need to talk, I'll listen ([email protected])! I'm sure it will work out, I know that obviously he loves you - he's probably just scared of it all working out. Some men are just petrified of the whole marriage (rest of your life thing) until they actually take the plunge. I know that you guys are planning a beautiful affair at the Oheka - maybe all those plans and the money is an issue. The best way to figure out his true inner feelings if for him to talk about it. Why is he feeling this way?
Please let us know if we can be of any help. I am thinking of you!

jenny, I sent you a forum mail...

Jenn K

When I posted this morning, I had been through the most insecure weekend of my life. I thought after all these years that no mountain could be bigger and more frightening than all the wonderful sun filled valleys we have been fortunate enough to enjoy. I was saddened, weakened, and distrustful of my gut instincts; distrustful of the strength of my relationship.

I vowed that I would not visit the board. That perhaps, this might not be a place for me anymore. But I arrived here this morning and learned a very valuable lesson. That women - whether best friends or perfect strangers - are genuine. Genuine to the very core; the core that prepares them to be daughters for life, mothers to children and the sturdy horses that can pull the carriage of a relationship forward. Your words both private and public have made me proud to be an excited bride. A bride is only a woman - one with concerns, hopes, dreams and hardships. And to have found a forum, where a group of women that I have never met, could ease my troubled mind....well, it has swelled my business-hardened, jaded for the moment heart into remission.

My relationship is steady - it has been and it will remain to be because I am in love. I will be patient with his shortcomings, I will help him through his fears. He is after all, my knight in shining armor - whether he is making me laugh or when I am in tears. This I know. And I would rather weather the storms ahead with him by my side, than always knowing that I turned him away when he was honest. That I turned him away when he was bold enough to come down off that white horse and tell me the truth.

Thank you so much. I can only hope that my journey so far will help some 2005 bride when she does a search on 'cold feet'. I am going to try on my tiara now ....and maybe pull out that little sexy lacy thing I've been saving for a special occasion......Good night girls. Speak to you in the morning. - Jennifer