is your husband....VENT

A) The 'you know what's best and I am amazed by your natural ability' kind? The kind that says things like - 'she only likes to be with her Mommy', or 'Sue can take care of it, she's with the baby all day', etc. The kind that assumes that you know best when it comes to the little one?

OR

B) The OTHER kind that is constantly countering your every suggestion?

I got so annoyed last night - I love my DH you guys know that - but we had a couple over for dinner and the baby of course screaming, and he says 'Jen spoiled the baby by picking her up every time she cried '. Which infuriates me because you cannot spoil an infant. I responded that it wasnt' true, very calmly, and he said 'my Grandmother even says it'. Now...okay. Is dinner with friends the time to announce that your Grandmother thinks I am spoiling the baby?

This was followed up by my all time favorite: 'She needs a bottle. She's starving'. Now I can feel my boobs hard as a rock many times a day. I see the little bottles fill up from the pump, I hear the baby burp, and have seen her weight increase at the Dr. I know the baby is not hungry. But I make the bottle just to not start trouble, and of course the baby gets annoyed with the bottle being pushed on her and increases the aggravation and crying, and next thing you know I am sitting in the nursery while she's in hysterics and everybody is enjoying their dinner!!!

AARGH aren't I the one who's instinct is to be trusted!? I am with this little blessed handful all day long!!!!

My Dh is def the second one. Just yesterday we had an argument ! I was trying to get out the door to bring Geno to day care and myself to work. Well Geno decded he did not want ot put his jacket on. So he becomes hysterical and manages to wedge his head betwwen the couch and the wall.
So I am trying ot get him out calmly and my DH just yanks back the couch, grabs him out and says THAT'S IT!! PUT Your Jacket ON!!
And I grabbed the coat from him and picked up the baby and calmed him down. MY Dh is like what are you doing !! You're gonna make him a brat.

I tried to explain it's easier to work with a calm child than an hysterical one, but no I'm just spoiling him.

Needless to say I got his jacket on no prob after I calmed him.

I got the 'B' type too! I could've written your post myself, Jenny! Boy, it irks me when he expects me to be on baby patrol 24-7 but as soon as she is unhappy it's because I'm not doing things the 'right way'. Hmph! Last time I checked he had changed only ten or so diapers since her birth - 15 months ago!!
Men! I tell ya!

I totally feel for you. My husband is definitely a 'B'. I take care of Jordan 90% of the time and it drives me up the wall when he says things like, 'You're spoiling her.' And he, too, feels that saying it in front of others is OK.

However - heres a story for you. My DH is very against having the baby sleep in our bed with us. She sleeps really well in her own bed most of the time so that is fine with me. But he also travels alot and there have been nights that Jordan got up several times (while he was away) that I just said, 'To heck with it - and let her sleep in bed with me.' Now this has happened VERY infrequently. But of course I get from him, 'You're spoiling her!!!'
Well - the other day Jordan got a stomach virus and threw up on me several times. Then of course yesterday I got it too. I let him do most of the caretaking last night because I didnt want to give the virus back to her. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and when I went upstairs to check on her - she was not in her bed! Hmmmmm........ Where was she?? There she was - sleeping in bed with Mr. I dont spoil my baby!!!

Of course he thinks that was different - he was tired!!

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Posted by TJW

I ended up falling asleep on the couch and when I went upstairs to check on her - she was not in her bed! Hmmmmm........ Where was she?? There she was - sleeping in bed with Mr. I dont spoil my baby!!!

Of course he thinks that was different - he was tired!!

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LOL!!! Too funny! Talk about a double standard!!

Jenny- it is time for a talk with DH. Back in 'the day' many, many people you could spoil an infant by picking them up too often. they also believed you should ONLY feed the baby on a schedule and NEVER go off schedule. DH's Grandmother has no right to say that you are spoiling you small infant. I guess if you bought her a pony this weekend- then yes, you are spoiling her but other than that- it is impossible! And does this women live you with? (I know the answer is NO) so how on Earth does she even know what you do or do not do all day long. Hidden cameras? Perhaps. Most likely it is DH opening his mouth and saying he doesn't know why the baby cries so often.
Sophia is colicky, which = crying all the time. He is not home with you listening to this all day long. You NEED to pick her up. she needs you for comfort.
About the bottles- tell him when the milk comes out of his breasts he can feed the baby whenever he wants, otherwise this is one area of childcare you think he needs to trust you on. when a baby pushes a bottle away or, like Molly, sticks her tongue out that means they do not want any. Babies, unlike adults, do not overeat and stuff themselves.

It sounds to me that OTHER people are telling him how you should be raising your child and he is restating their comments because he, himself, is so unsure of what to do. Have him go with you to the next Dr's visit. Tell him he can ask the doctor all his questions.

hang in there Jenny...things will work themselves out a bit, but talk to him. It is important to communicate at this stage.

to answer your question- Scott defers to me on all Molly matters. He will help, change her, feed her, care for her while I am out of the house but he mostly asked me my opinion and he never picks out her outfits

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Posted by michele31
It sounds to me that OTHER people are telling him how you should be raising your child and he is restating their comments because he, himself, is so unsure of what to do. Have him go with you to the next Dr's visit. Tell him he can ask the doctor all his questions.

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This may be the case. If I had a dollar for everytime my husband said 'I was talking to so & so they said that we should be doing this w/ Patrick or whatever' It used to piss me off to no end. (My husband is the youngest & wasn't around kids so he listened to everybodies advice) I would just reply that he is 'MY child & I will raise him the way I see fit' If I had any questions I would call my Sister. (If my Mother was alive I would have called her)

Don't worry it is just a phase & when he realizes that what you are doing is right, he'll stop!!

As helpful as my DH is, and as naturally as fatherhood has come to him, he is definitely a 'type B' in this case!

So, don't feel bad Jenny. Not all men keep their comments to themselves when it comes to childcare...they take a few classes and think it makes them experts!

I assume you've already told him how he made you feel last night?? I hope so! You do not deserve that AT ALL - you are a wonderful Mommy and you're doing a fantastic job. And, his Gma is 'old school'...you CANNOT spoil a baby!

Funny side story...when my Mom was with us during Paul's first two weeks, she kept saying, 'Oh, this baby likes the arms too much, etc.' Trying to hint that I shouldn't get him used to being held so much! Well, one exhausting night after another, we decided to sleep on the sofas with the baby in the PacknPlay, so DH could get some sleep b/c of work the next day. So, Mom and I snuggle into the sofas and the baby starts to cry...she tells me, don't worry, I'll get him. She picks him up and SILENCE. He just wanted to snuggle. So, I (being exhausted!) just fall asleep. I wake up 3 hrs. later, and my Mom is STILL awake and sitting up on the sofa with the BABY IN HER ARMS!!! She said she didn't want to put him down b/c he might cry and I needed some sleep! Oh, who's spoiling him NOW, Grandma!

Its the grandparents generation who always thought that picking up a baby all the time would spoil them. And you can't change their feelings on it. They think that just because thats what they were told back when they raised their children, thats the way it is! And now they have your DH convinced of it too.

Luckily my DH is a type A. He is always there to help when I ask, and often takes the initiative in comforting Connor, getting him when he is crying, etc. But he definetely defers to me with major decisions. He will insist on taking him if he is having a major meltdown and I am losing it myself, but other than that, DH lets me take the lead.

I think it must be hard for our husbands in the beginning when the little ones can't really give much back and just need, need, need- and mostly need mom, especially when BFing. My feeling is that it is easier for a man to parent when the baby gets a little older and the dad can 'do' things with them. Also, for many of us moms, it is often easier just to do things ourselves, rather than cope with the stress of asking dad and then feeling like he is not doing it right. Sometimes, you just have to let go of the control - who cares if the diaper isn't on the way you like it or the outfit doesn't match. I am definetely workind on this myself.

A friend of mine suggested a solution once for the type B dad- take turns making decisions. You decide what to do one day, he decides the next.