1. My father in law wants to do our taxes (we just got married 8 months ago). I realize this is not a big deal since our taxes are fairly simple and he's always done them for my husband, but I personally feel that our finances should be our own business now that we're a married couple, and that we should seek out a good accountant and not involve our parents in our personal finances (I also feel the same about my own parents so its not as if I am being one-sided).
Anyway, I expressed this to my husband and he basically got all bent out of shape and said that his dad always did his taxes since he was 18 and he feels 'stupid' all of a sudden telling his dad no, and that it will make things akward between us and his parents b/c his dad 'insists' on doing them.
Im frustrated and really annoyed that my husband doesnt man up and tell his dad: 'thank you for offering to do our taxes this year, but we decided to do them ourselves.' or something to that effect.
2. Also, this isn't really a situation, but I also feel as though my inlaws always put us down or have to get into our business about something. Saying things like 'it's not good that you can't afford a house, how are you going to have babies in that small apartment of yours...' things like that.
I want to scream and say 'MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, WE'RE GROWN ADULTS' And if they're so concerned about us owning a home, they should give us the 20% downpayment we need, if not then BE QUIET and let us SAVE and do things when we're ready.
anyone dealing with something like this or have any advice???
FutureMrsFass
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Re: issue with in-laws
I don't have issues with my in-laws but I don't blame you for the way you feel. ITA agree that your DH should be the one to speak to his parents about this. They may get the 'hint' if he explains it in a respecful way. I think that sometimes in-laws/parents don't realize that once their children get married things change and the husband/wife are eachothers #1 priority. They are used to having it one way for so long and may not even realize what they are doing...a small chat may just do the trick.
Good Luck!
HSsweethearts
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Re: issue with in-laws
That's really difficult.
I totally agree with you about the taxes. I think you defintiely need to maintain your privacy, but I can also see how DH doesn't want to upset his dad.
Ultimately, YOU are his wife, and you two are the primary family relationship and he needs to tell his dad thanks but no thanks.
I think issue #2 is related to issue #1. If the two of you don't stand up and tell them to let you live your own lives it will NEVER stop. Imagine how they'll be telling you how to raise your children. It's defintiely difficult, but it needs to be done if you want to be independent.
halfbaked
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Re: issue with in-laws
No advice, but sorry you have to deal with it!!
JLWSJC
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Re: issue with in-laws
I understand you wanting to keep your finances private from your parents/in laws
However
You need to trust your accountant as your taxes become more intricate. In my experience, it's been hard to find an accountant that I like/can afford. DH trusts his dad and it's something his dad has been doing to help him out fo ryears, it's going to be hard to just be expected to turn on a dime because he's married now and change something like that. If it's that important to you and you can afford to have them dont by someone else you should mention to DH you have someone in mind and explain calmly why it's so important to you. He's going to have a side too, KWIM?
As far as the unsolicited advice, that's something else DH should be addressing. See if it bothers him the way it bothers you, he may not even notice it, and then have a discussion about whatyou should do the next time something is said.
Good luck. In-law relationships are so delicate sometimes, it can be really difficult to maintain without wanting to kill them.
AngnShaun
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Re: issue with in-laws
I can see your FH's point about not wanting to hurt his dads feelings, but on the other side... they are both adults and he should be able to tell his own father of all people that he and his wife should be able to choose who they want to do their taxes...
mybabylovesmoi
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Re: issue with in-laws
I agree that your accountant should be someone who you can trust and your husband clearly trusts his dad BUT-
It'd be one thing if your father in law was all business when he handled your finances. Including CONFIDENTIALITY. Just because he knows the state of your finances, he shouldn't be allowed to gossip about it with his wife OR pass judgement. He'd be out of business if he treated all clients like this!
I would feel extremely uncomfortable in your shoes too. I didn't even tell my FH my annual salary for like the first year we dated. Finances are very personal and often times, family members have a hard time keeping opinions to themselves...why give them more reason to?
I hope you try to talk to your husband again about this and really emphasize how it makes your uncomfortable. My future MIL offered to clean our place a while back because my FH and I had a crazy work schedule. I told FH that it made me uncomfortable - I didn't want her to LITERALLY see our dirty laundry! My FH didn't mind of course, she'd been washing his underpants for years but it was personal to me!!!
Anyway, long story short, FH put himself in my shoes and nixed the idea.
Iluvpoodles
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Re: issue with in-laws
Since FH is an adult, he should def. be able to tell his dad straight out the gesture is nice but you are having someone else do your taxes. I don't see what the big deal is. I would never want my FILs being involved in any of our finances.
tbird27
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Re: issue with in-laws
Thanks everyone for all of your advice and support! I just needed to hear it from others since I thought that maybe I was being too harsh or silly.
I'm going to talk it out with my DH and I'm sure we'll come to an agreeable decision we're both comfortable with.
Our taxes are pretty simple anyway, so it might not hurt for us to use TurboTax or something and do them ourselves!!
amandamichael
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Re: issue with in-laws
haha i have inlaws that are a little well, over whelming, sometimes i feel like i cant breathe from them
you just have to put ur foot down, trust me, if you cant stop it now, its not going to change once your married
send your own taxes somehwere else FH doesnt have to like it, but im sure hell bend if you really expresss your feelings
as for the in laws- just try to stay away,i know the feeling, my future mother in law says things sometimes that gets me so angry, i just keep teling myself im not marrying her
hope it helps! good luck
jcreilly
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Re: issue with in-laws
im sorry, but I totally agree with you !
tbird27
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Re: issue with in-laws
thanks guys for all your advice! We worked it out, it was fine. We are just going to do our own taxes this year.
ugh, in-laws! Well hey, my DH has to deal with my parents too I guess, so it's only fair LOL!!
ElovesJ117
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Re: issue with in-laws
I would feel uncomfortable with my FH's father doing our taxes. I would try to explain to your FH again how you feel about the situation and how you don't want your parents doing your taxes the same way you don't want his to do yours either. I really don't see it making things awkward I feel that it would be more awkward for the whole family to know how much money you make then for them to be told that you guys are going to use someone else to do the taxes now that you are married.
flibbertigibbet
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Re: issue with in-laws
is he willing to do them for free?
unless you guys have some tricky finances ... i'd just let him do them? whats the big deal?
just me though.
it'll save you some money? unless FIL starts pressuring you to make certain financial moves i dont see how him doing your taxes is interfering with your life? he's doing you a favor?
Tromsugar2b
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Re: issue with in-laws
Its kinda hard because from FH's point of view I think I would like my parents to help me if that was the easier thing to do and they had been doing it, but on the other hand, i think its completely understandable that you don't want them all up in your financial business...me and FH have a shared bank account right now, that was originally his account that i got added too, later I found out that his mom can actually access that account too...which kinda pissed me off. Were leaving it now because its a hassle to change his direct deposit but definitely after the wedding that would not be acceptable. My advice would just be to talk to FH and tell him that you don't like some of the things they have been saying about you not having a house and you don't want to fuel the fire by showing them all your finances, giving them more of an opinion.
adelya21
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Re: issue with in-laws
at first when I read your issue 1, I was sort of able to relate to your husband. However, after reading the second issue I completely agree with you. I dont think your father in law should be doing your taxes because of the fact that they are so involved in your family affairs. I would feel weird knowing that someone who wants us to get a house etc and is putting me down is knowing how much $ we make.
Sorry you have to deal with that!!
A2012MOB
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Re: issue with in-laws
I agree with you about the taxes. Maybe right now its not a big deal because you just started out, but why do they need to know anything about your finances. Would they show you their bank book and sit and discuss what they have? As far as them saying things that upset you, if it upsets you that much then you have to say something. Dont let it build until you explode and are nasty. That will ruin your relationship with your husband, afterall they are his parents. Tell them nicely and if they have a problem with it at least you did it the right way. If he has a problem with you expressing your feelings to them ...hes wrong!
