I've been depressed lately...warning LONG

Sorry, this is long and gibberish.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of December just as I was graduating with my Masters in teaching (elem) and I sometimes wish I never went back to school. The thing is, I've been subbing since student teaching ended (which I had a hard time with and didn't love). The only problem is I haven't been working very much. I've been working in the district that I student taught in and it is a small district. I only get called on average of 1 or 2x per week. I've been nervous to go to another district b/c I'm 3 pregnant (among the fact that I'm still not that comfortable subbing and just nervous about going to a new district). Therefore, there isn't much money coming in on my part at this time and forget about the summer months, who's gonna hire a big fat pregnant lady :) :)

The past few days things have been stressful between DH and I. Last night I told him I haven't liked him the past few days and he informed me that he felt the same way . Of course, this wasn't what I expected hear in return and of course I began to cry (for the rest of the night - mostly without him knowing). Later at night, I asked what he meant by that and he told me how he has been feeling so stressed lately, like everything is on his shoulders (he also has a VERY needly mother). We don't have a house and he wants one very badly, I have my student loan now and now we have a child coming. While he makes a good salary (unfortunately even a good salary isn't good enough for LI) he doesn't think he can do it on his own. It's not like we are struggling though (yet). We have a nice amount in the bank but of course we can't touch that b/c it's for a downpayment. I feel guilty everytime I go to the supermarket and spend any of the money. Anyway, I felt so badly when he told me this because it's everything I think about everyday. I would be happy staying in our apartment for a while (it's 2 bedrooms and not a lot of rent) and focus on the baby but he focuses more on the importance of a house. I know he is happy about the baby, but not in the same way I am. We have different priorities and I find it so frustrating. Luckily, we talked for a long time and things are good between us - although I can see more tiffs in the future.

I feel TERRIBLE about this but I also have been having my own issues. I can honestly say, I cry almost daily (i'm sure a lot has to do with hormones:) b/c I don't know what to do with my life. I'm so happy to be pregnant - this is what I've been looking for in life is to be married and have a family. I know the stress I felt during student teaching and I'm not sure this is what I want to do with my life (for some reason it doesn't come easily to me and I always feel very overwhelmed- I overthink EVERYTHING!) and I can't imagine going through that my first year of teaching (which I've heard is VERY stressful)with having a baby at home - DH doesn't see it as a big problem...I on the other hand make myself sick about this daily. I'm am an overthinker to the thousandth degree - my mind NEVER stops!
I always think about how I never should have gone back to school. I always thought about teaching but it's not in my heart like I hear many teachers say it is for them. Unfortunately I definately wasn't raking in the dough at my last job but it was sooooooo stress free and when I got home I didn't have to think about work anymore.....I miss that so much. I go back and forth everyday in my mind if I should get a pay check and take the stress free way out at least for a few years and waste my degree or try it (which I know won't be easy for me). Besides the fact that I probably won't even ever be able to get a teaching job I'm just so sick of being depressed during what should be the happiest time in my life . AND I'm afraid my feelings will affect the baby and my baby will be born stressed or depressed (can that really happen?)

Thanks for listening. I'm soooo sorry for rambling, I just really needed to get it out. BOOYYY did that feel good

Big time to you! We're having $ issues right now and it's been causing us to fight and argue a lot.

You could switch districts... you're still early in the PG. My last job I got when I was 18 weeks PG. They didn't know, and I wasn't about to tell them either. We needed the money so I had to get a job. After I did tell them, they were very happy for me. I told them I was planning on coming back so that's all they were concerned about. I did have to go back to work when my son was only 6 weeks though. I would try to go to a different district. You don't need to tell them you're PG yet. Good luck!

I know where you are and believe me alot of the anxiety you are feeling is attributed to hormones. I would switch jobs, you are still early in your pregnancy. You can always go back to a 9 to 5 whenever you want, but you worked hard for that degree and I would hate to see you let it go to waste. Take the chance now while you have the option.

My thoughts are with you

Hugs to you. Don't feel bad that you feel overwhelmed. Bring a baby into the world is a big deal and its understandable to feel out of sorts.

I can't advise on the teaching becasue I'm not in that profession but my cousin (who is a teacher) make TONS of money tutoring in the summer and the library where I work has this one tutor that comes in 3 - 4 times a week and she is PG (big time) and tutors a few students each week. Maybe you can bring in some money by tutoring.

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Posted by Melissa

Big time to you! We're having $ issues right now and it's been causing us to fight and argue a lot.

You could switch districts... you're still early in the PG. My last job I got when I was 18 weeks PG. They didn't know, and I wasn't about to tell them either. We needed the money so I had to get a job. After I did tell them, they were very happy for me. I told them I was planning on coming back so that's all they were concerned about. I did have to go back to work when my son was only 6 weeks though. I would try to go to a different district. You don't need to tell them you're PG yet. Good luck!

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I'm doing the same thing. I'm almost 15 weeks now and I'm starting a new job soon. They don't know I'm PG and they're not going to know until it becomes obvious. I wasn't happy with my other job and it wasn't giving us the money we needed. It was causing us a lot of fights and now that I'm in-between jobs, DH has been VERY stressed. I feel bad when he goes to work and I just sit here all day. It's not like I'm NOT going to be working soon, but I still feel guilty.

I remember when you posted how excited your were to go back to school for teaching Like ambersmom said, don't give up on it. It will be WELL worth it once the baby is here as far as the hours go...

Hang in there

I understand how you feel about the whole teaching aspect. I've been teaching for 6 years in a low-income catholic school and I'm leaving this year to stay at home with the baby in June. After the year is over...who knows if I want to REALLY work...even though I'll have to. I feel that my DH is stressed too because of all this new added pressure and our baby on the way.

I think you have a perfect living situation, a two bedroom apartment. That's great for you and your Dh plus the new baby. We only have a one bedroom even though it's rather large, I would die for a 2 bedroom. I know that your DH wants a house for your new family and he probably wants to be able to provide for his wife and his baby. But if you think life is stressful now, just wait until you move into a house!

I just got my master's in reading plus I already have my bachelor's in elementary ed...and now I feel like it was a waste too. I'm staying home with the baby...no need for a masters there...

HOWEVER, you know that you were determined to get that masters before the baby was born and that a career is an important thing in a woman's life. Be proud of yourself and your masters!!! Teaching is absolutely the BEST job for a mother...vacations, home by 3, holidays off, summers free to do anything!!! Now that you have your masters and if you want to tutor, you'd get paid more!

By the way...I can definately relate to those raging hormones, I've hated my DH too (on and off) for these past 6 months. Try to stick together to discuss what's really bothering the both of you.

Good Luck!!!