Jokes for Swags... (And everyone else.)
SEX ON MARS:
The year is 2252 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles,
Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are
talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an
inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it
looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow....'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was damn good How about
you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
SILLY OLD TIMERS:
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She replies, 'I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25 year old.'
The husband retorts, 'Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ***?'
She replied, 'Frankly dear, your name never came up'
WOMAN, SEX AND MARRIAGE
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mama Mia makes spaghetti &
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat
ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
realized nothing is going to happen again.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, two sisters, her brother, all their kids, her grandma, her
father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like it
belongs somewhere in the desert along the Rio Grande with chickens and
goats in the front yard.
THOUGHTS --ANDY ROONEY
Number 12 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 11 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 10 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without
an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 9 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 8 - Some people are like Slinkies..... not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 7 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 6 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Number 5 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Number 4 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 3 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004: Terrorists come to America legally and
hang around on expired visas for as long as 10-15 years. Now take
Blockbuster - You're two days late with a video rental and those people are
all over you..... Perhaps we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
SEVEN REASONS TO NOT MESS WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, ' What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,'And there's the teacher, she's dead. '
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..' 'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too!
The year is 2252 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles,
Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are
talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an
inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it
looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow....'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was damn good How about
you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
SILLY OLD TIMERS:
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She replies, 'I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25 year old.'
The husband retorts, 'Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ***?'
She replied, 'Frankly dear, your name never came up'
WOMAN, SEX AND MARRIAGE
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mama Mia makes spaghetti &
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat
ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner, nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already
realized nothing is going to happen again.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, two sisters, her brother, all their kids, her grandma, her
father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest
of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like it
belongs somewhere in the desert along the Rio Grande with chickens and
goats in the front yard.
THOUGHTS --ANDY ROONEY
Number 12 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 11 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 10 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without
an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 9 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 8 - Some people are like Slinkies..... not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 7 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 6 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Number 5 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Number 4 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 3 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004: Terrorists come to America legally and
hang around on expired visas for as long as 10-15 years. Now take
Blockbuster - You're two days late with a video rental and those people are
all over you..... Perhaps we should put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
SEVEN REASONS TO NOT MESS WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'
The teacher asked, ' What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,'And there's the teacher, she's dead. '
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..' 'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too!
