A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. 'Put these on,' he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. 'There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big,' she said. 'Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,' replied the husband.
Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, 'Put these on.' The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, 'There's no way I can get into these.' To which the wife replied, 'you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!'
post of a joke , lets keep the laughs going!
Jennmolloy
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OH YEAH!!!!!!!
shell1879
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shell1879
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The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ___________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________ _______________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _ _____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
