*~* JOTD *~* =-)
The Best “Out-Of-Office” E-Mail Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
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Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
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A lovely letter from Ex husband and Ex wife…. lol
Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
————————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
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So Innocent!…child
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his Mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked,”Then why did you eat him?”
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MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him………………………………
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room,
‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember backthen?’ he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
T he husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said,
‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
‘I would have been released today.’
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My Goodness!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
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ENJOY AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.
A lovely letter from Ex husband and Ex wife…. lol
Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
————————————————————————————————————————————
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
So Innocent!…child
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his Mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She answered, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked,”Then why did you eat him?”
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him………………………………
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room,
‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember backthen?’ he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
T he husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’
‘Yes, I remember!’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said,
‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’
‘I remember that too’ she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
‘I would have been released today.’
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My Goodness!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
ENJOY AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!
