JOTD CHICAS!!!!
Ok Chicas... Have FUN =)
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Jill tells her husband, 'Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?'
'Gosh,' Jack says, 'why I hardly know the girl.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're a Statue
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, 'Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
To which he replied. 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd Do Anything
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
'I would do anything to pass this exam.'
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
'I mean..' she whispers, '..I would do ANYTHING!!'
He returns her gaze. 'Anything??'
'Yes,.. Anything!' She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. 'Would you.. study??'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
'Hi, is Hank home?' he asks.
'No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands,' she replies.
'Would you mind if I wait?' he asks.
'No, that would be fine. Come on in,' she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, 'You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, 'They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together.'
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, 'I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by,' and leaves.
A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. 'Your friend Ben stopped by to see you,' she says.
Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, 'Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?' he wrote, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway: 'Never got caught.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:
'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.'
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.
The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.'
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: 'God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.'
Now the father was crapping his pants.
He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, 'Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, 'I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.'
The husband says ' WHAT???' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says 'but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ' I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. '
The husband says, ' no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.' The wife face goes blank.
' No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.'
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ' You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LOVING THIS!!!!![]()
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Jill tells her husband, 'Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?'
'Gosh,' Jack says, 'why I hardly know the girl.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're a Statue
A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.
'Don't move! You're a statue!'
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, 'Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
To which he replied. 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd Do Anything
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
'I would do anything to pass this exam.'
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
'I mean..' she whispers, '..I would do ANYTHING!!'
He returns her gaze. 'Anything??'
'Yes,.. Anything!' She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. 'Would you.. study??'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
'Hi, is Hank home?' he asks.
'No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands,' she replies.
'Would you mind if I wait?' he asks.
'No, that would be fine. Come on in,' she says.
They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, 'You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'
Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit a while longer and Ben says, 'They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together.'
Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, 'I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by,' and leaves.
A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. 'Your friend Ben stopped by to see you,' she says.
Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, 'Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?' he wrote, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway: 'Never got caught.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:
'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.'
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.
The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.'
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: 'God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.'
Now the father was crapping his pants.
He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, 'Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, 'I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.'
The husband says ' WHAT???' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says 'but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ' I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. '
The husband says, ' no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.' The wife face goes blank.
' No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.'
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ' You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOVING THIS!!!!
