JOTD =) For Hump Day!
Extra Office Work
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, 'Is this what I pay you for?'
The manager replied: 'No, sir, this I do free of charge.'
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What Happens When You Fall In Love With
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
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A Little Math
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed, shall we say.? In fact, it's 25 inches long.? Can't get any women to have sex with him.? No men either, one would think.? Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. 'Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter,' Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.? He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.? 'Will you marry me?' he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, 'No.'
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.? Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again.? 'Will you marry me?' he asks the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, 'No!'
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches.? Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.? Down another 5 would be perfect.? So he calls across again, 'Will you marry me?'
Frog yells back, 'Look - how many times do I have to tell you?? No.No.NO!'
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Genie in a bottle
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 12:58:53 -0500
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said 'OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!'
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'
The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish.'
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.... know how to make them truly happy....'
The genie said, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, 'How many women can a man marry?' 'Sixteen,' the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. 'How do you know that?' 'Easy,' the little boy said. 'All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer'
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Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a 'marriage of the 90's' -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, 'Poached? I wanted scrambled!' Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. 'Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!'
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, 'third time's a charm' and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.'Here, my love, enjoy!' Jill looks at the plate and says, 'You scrambled the wrong egg.'
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Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...
'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'
'This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.'
'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!'
'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.'
'I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.'
'I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.'
'Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'
'The coffee machine is broken...'
'Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...'
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Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say 'Have a nice day!' (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say 'No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back.'
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
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The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.
He shouted at him, 'Is this what I pay you for?'
The manager replied: 'No, sir, this I do free of charge.'
What Happens When You Fall In Love With
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
A Little Math
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed, shall we say.? In fact, it's 25 inches long.? Can't get any women to have sex with him.? No men either, one would think.? Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. 'Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter,' Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.? He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.? 'Will you marry me?' he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, 'No.'
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.? Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again.? 'Will you marry me?' he asks the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, 'No!'
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches.? Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.? Down another 5 would be perfect.? So he calls across again, 'Will you marry me?'
Frog yells back, 'Look - how many times do I have to tell you?? No.No.NO!'
Genie in a bottle
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 12:58:53 -0500
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said 'OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!'
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 'I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?'
The genie laughed and said, 'That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish.'
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, 'I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.... know how to make them truly happy....'
The genie said, 'You want that bridge two lanes or four?'
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, 'How many women can a man marry?' 'Sixteen,' the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. 'How do you know that?' 'Easy,' the little boy said. 'All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer'
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a 'marriage of the 90's' -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, 'Poached? I wanted scrambled!' Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. 'Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!'
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, 'third time's a charm' and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.'Here, my love, enjoy!' Jill looks at the plate and says, 'You scrambled the wrong egg.'
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...
'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'
'This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.'
'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!'
'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.'
'I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.'
'I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.'
'Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'
'The coffee machine is broken...'
'Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...'
Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say 'Have a nice day!' (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say 'No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back.'
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
