JOTD for Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, 'Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!'
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
'Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, 'After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.'
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, 'Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
'Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.'
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, 'Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Careful what you wish for : )
'Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,' said the man.
'Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,' remarked his friend.
'I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
'LISTEN UP, D!CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FVCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFVCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A##SHOLE?'
....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
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But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, 'Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!'
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
'Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, 'After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.'
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, 'Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
'Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.'
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, 'Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Careful what you wish for : )
'Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,' said the man.
'Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,' remarked his friend.
'I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
'LISTEN UP, D!CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FVCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFVCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A##SHOLE?'
....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
