Just looking for some advice.......

I am a regular poster, but wanted to keep my identity hidden for this particular post. I trust all of my wonderful ladies here on LIW, but I have friends that read the boards as well, and I don't want them to know that I am talking about this......so I hope you understand.

I am going through something right now that is getting more difficult to deal with as each day passes. My husband and I have been married for a while now, and everything is wonderful. But I feel that I am missing something and it is destroying me inside and I am scared of what it will do to our relationship.

I moved to be with my husband over 3 years ago. Before the move took place, we discussed where we would go after our weddding; location. He told me that he wanted to move back to my home town since he knew how much I missed my friends, family, nieces and nephews. He knew that me leaving all of them to move with him was the hardest thing that I had ever done. I wanted to be sure that he was OK with this decision. He promised me that he was and we could start looking for a new home in my home town after our wedding. None of his familly live in the town we live in right now.

Well, our wedding has come and gone and we started talking about moving, as he said we would. He told me that after thinking more about it, he's decided that he can't do that move anymore and wants to stay where we are. I reminded him our conversation prior to our wedding and he said he remembers it, but he never really thought that I was serious about moving back, becuase he wasn't. It was 'just' a covnersation to him.

Now I am so torn, hurt and confused. I love him with all of my heart, but feel resentment towards him for this. Am I wrong to feel this way? I don't know. I am very sad and miss my family so much! I know my husband is my family now, and I love him to death! But I just can't get over the fact that he did this just to get me to move with him.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just pack up my things and leave because I feel so betrayed. And the other part of me thinks that since we are married now, I should stay and just get used to his decision.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you girls.

A friend of mine married her husband knowing that he wanted to stay on LI and raise the kids here, but more than once she has said this is never what she wanted. She grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. She feels LI is fake and very different from the life she ever thought she would raise her kids in. Well, 3 kids later this only comes out in private and after a few glasses of wine. I worry this will cause problems later on as the kids get older. Anywho, you need to try to talk to DH again and tell him your concerns. Express that it was more than a conversation to you. Yes DH is your family now and am not sure how I would handle it if I were in your situation. Good Luck and hope everything works out for you and FH.

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Posted by diva7531

A friend of mine married her husband knowing that he wanted to stay on LI and raise the kids here, but more than once she has said this is never what she wanted. She grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. She feels LI is fake and very different from the life she ever thought she would raise her kids in. Well, 3 kids later this only comes out in private and after a few glasses of wine. I worry this will cause problems later on as the kids get older. Anywho, you need to try to talk to DH again and tell him your concerns. Express that it was more than a conversation to you. Yes DH is your family now and am not sure how I would handle it if I were in your situation. Good Luck and hope everything works out for you and FH.

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I totally agree I think you should sit FH down and let him know you were serious and it was not a conversation to you it was more! I am not quite sure what I would do if I was in your situation I know I would betrayed (so I think that is a normal feeling) because he was not being honest or taking you seriously... but I would talk to him about this! FH is your family now... maybe you should try to go visit your hometown more often for short weekend getaways to lessen the homesickness and missing everyone until this is all resolved! Good Luck! Sorry you are going through this...

There is no easy answer to this. My sister is in the same boat. The issue for her now is they have a baby and no one to help her out - we're constantly driving to Jersey or her to us. And she's become very biter.

I would suggest you stay put until you become prego. Tell him when that happens you need to be around family so you can share the joy and get the much needed help a new mom requires. If you can hold out that long. That way he gets his way for a while and then you do too.

I don't know if that's so much of a solution but a suggestion.

I'm sorry you have to experience this.

I don't think that you should wait it out... you need to talk to him ASAP... the longer you wait, the more resentment you will feel and it will only cause more problems. He basically 'tricked' you into getting married. I know the love is there, but you expressed your concerns with him and he assured you he would be on your side, which he is not. You need to tell him how upset you are and that it's not something that is just going to go away. If he loves you then he should be willing to compromise! And waiting until you get pregnant and using that as leverage is never a good idea. If you end up having kids and he still doesn't want to move then you it makes your decision even harder!

Good luck!!!!!

first....


this is a very tough situation, because right now more than anything i'm sure you feel like your husband has betrayed you, since he basically said what you wanted to hear, so you would get married.

i think that he probably doesn't realize how much of a dealbreaker this is for you, and that is why he is not taking it seriously. you really need to sit down and tell him that he has really hurt your feelings and betrayed your trust.....saying that he didn't think you were 'serious' about everything is a cop-out. if you do not talk about this further with him, like another poster said, it will develop into a deep resentment, and you will never be fully happy. marriage is about compromises, and your husband made you believe he was willing to compromise, and then pulled the rug right under you by saying he doesn't want to do what he promised now.

only you know whether moving back home is a true dealbreaker for you....but i think your husband needs to realize how important it is for you. if you decide to 'suuck it up' and stay here for him, and not truly discuss the issue, you might begin having a family and everyone will be growing up here and being happy, except for you. that kind of discontent grows and gets worse...until it bubbles over.

talk with your husband, and maybe consider counseling...i'm so sorry you are going thru this.

feel free to FM me if you need to vent!

IS his decision final that he doesnt want to move?? This is a really tough situation for you - sorry you are going through all of this.

IMO - yes he is your family now but he did promise you that he would move after the wedding. If before the wedding - he told you he wouldn't move - would you have married him?

I don't know how far away you are from your family - is it driving distance??

I hope everything works out

Honestly I would look for a marriage counselor. This sounds a bit like a deal breaker to me. You need to find peace in your life and it looks like talking to him is not going to accomplish that. You guys need to come up with a plan that you both can live with. How clear have you been with him? I know with my husband I have to be clear more than once in order for him to understand how serious I am about something. Does he know how depressed you have been? Does he know you feel betrayed and resentful? Have you used those exact words?

Getting a third party involved is usually very helpful. It makes it easier to say everything you have to say and make sure that you get heard.


This is NOT something for you to stall on. This is something you need to get fixed. I'm not sure where you live but usually you can just call your family doc and get some names of counselors and therapists that are decent in your area. Try to get some recommendations.

I can totally understand why you feel betrayed! Many many !

I agree that you need to sit down with him and tell him very clearly that this was a very serious matter to you prior to the wedding and that has not changed. You need to express to him that you feel that he has betrayed you and lied to you - two VERY serious things in a marriage. He just may not realize how important this is to you and just how upset and hurt you are - you need to get that across to him. I'm sure he loves you as much as you love him, so hopefully once he realizes just how important this is to you, he'll open up the lines of communication and will hopefully keep his original word and move back near your family.

I think you need to address this as soon as possible - you really do not want to grow to resent him any more than you already do. That's a recipe for a very unhappy marriage - talk it out and try to resolve it now so that you can continue with a happy marriage. Lots of luck!!!!!

I think that you need to be totally honest with him and tell him how you feel. He needs to know that you feel betrayed. It is not HIS decision to make. You are partners now and the decision should be one you can both live with. Yes, your husband is your family now, but that does not mean you can't be close to your family or that he has the final say. I think that you have to be strong and confront him again! I hope it all works out for you!

I think you really need to talk to him about how you feel. You need to tell him that its not working for you. You both need to come to some agreement together so there is no resentment and no built up anger, because that can definetly ruin your marriage.

Honey, you just need to talk with him, to make him understand your feelings.

I hope that all goes well for you and that he can realize how unhappy you are.

My and are with you.

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Posted by brady37

I don't think that you should wait it out... you need to talk to him ASAP... the longer you wait, the more resentment you will feel and it will only cause more problems. He basically 'tricked' you into getting married. I know the love is there, but you expressed your concerns with him and he assured you he would be on your side, which he is not. You need to tell him how upset you are and that it's not something that is just going to go away. If he loves you then he should be willing to compromise! And waiting until you get pregnant and using that as leverage is never a good idea. If you end up having kids and he still doesn't want to move then you it makes your decision even harder!

Good luck!!!!!

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Very well said!!!! Waiting to have a baby will only make it harder...if you are not happy now you will be miserable with a baby and feeling stuck.
Good luck!!!

i'm sooooo sorry you feel this way. when i read your post, it was almost as if i was writing it!

i left NY to be with my FH 3 years ago as well. I now live in AZ and leaving my family behind was the hardest thing I've probably ever done. My FH knows that more than anything, although I don't want to move back to LI, I want to move back to the east coast to be closer to my family and he's currently fine with it. (He's in grad school right now, so we're stuck here for probably another 3 years) But, I'm constantly afraid that he will decide to move back to CA (where his family is) . However, he knows there's no way I will move even further away from my family and when people ask us what we'll do after he graduates, he always says that we'll most likely be moving to Boston (our first choice). And I really believe him. If he pulls this with me, we'll also have a serious problem. But we've had very serious discussions about it in the past and he knows they're not 'just' conversations.

i really think you need to let him know exactly how you feel; betrayed, hurt, missing your family, wanting to pack up and leave, yet madly in love with him. I've told my FH i've felt that way about our time here in AZ and that i've thought of picking up and leaving before (before we were engaged, he said he was moving back to CA after grad school, no question - so i was gonna leave).

The whole distance thing is never easy, so i really hope things work out for you guys. and you're not alone - there are others of us who moved to be with the men we love and we're here if you ever need to talk

You have every right to be upset. I'm sure I would be! But there's one part that I just can't get past:

'But I just can't get over the fact that he did this just to get me to move with him.'

Men don't think the way we do. I honestly believe he didn't purposely 'trick you.' He probably just didn't THINK about it. Ugh - men are the worst sometimes!



But, like everyone else said, communication is key. Let your anger subside. You'll continue to resent him until you can both rationally talk it out. Resentment isn't healty for a relationship, so you really have to try and work through it.

Is there a halfway mark between both your family and where you are now? Or is it a non-NY kind of thing? Either way, I think part of marriage is about compromise. Could you say 'Honey, let's stay here for XXX years, and then we'll re-visit it, and if the time is right for you professionally, we'll move. It's really important to me.' Something to that effect?

Good luck. The only real advice I have for you is to talk it out and get rid of that anger you have inside. It will only continue to fester.



ETA: I've had to move (read: leave friends, family, job, etc.) for my FH twice now. The first time I was really angry and resented him for it. The second time was even worse. I had just gotten settled AGAIN when he got into school in Boston. Then and there we had a conversation about it, and I made it VERRRRRRRRRY clear that the next move will be on my terms (obviously it would be agreed upon...but I wanted to make 'the call'). It was a rough conversation...but we had it out and I think we're stronger because of it. Good luck to you and your DH.

I went through a similar situation after we moved to NC. DH and I were not married, but we were engaged and planning our wedding. There were many times when I did resent him and even thought about leaving and calling off the wedding.
The biggest piece of advice I can give is to look at what the reasons are that you are unhappy....maybe even write them down...and then talk to DH (without attacking him or fighting) about the issues ans how you guys can compromise. My DH will never move back to LI...he hates it...so, I would never make him. I have places (i.e. Fla) that I would not live either. Maybe you can agree on another place that will make you both happy. Once you look at what the sources of you being unhappy are, you may even be able to fix them in the place you live now. For me, I hated my job and changing that (along with getting used to being in a new place) really helped me.
If you want to talk or anything, FM me.....

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through this! to you! I don't know exactly if you guys lived in two places prior to marrying each other, but IMO, that sometimes is very important to a person, these things although you can talk about them, they should be clarified. Men have a hard time trying to be the bread winner and the head of the household while at the same time, being a loving and caring husband/father. I don't know where their balance is!
On that note, I don't know if you DH is having some issues at work that may be holding him back from moving, sometimes that's important, or it may be just talk to marry you. But I'm sure you guys can talk about it and let him know you held him to his word. I would recommend a counselor and certainly, I would agree with the other ladies, DO NOT plan on having a child YET....Not until you clear things up with DH. I have seen many things, many people in their lifetimes would not even imagine, and I would only tell you.....Trust your gut feeling! Many times, we're right and we second guess ourselves. Most importantly, I will do as my mom told me 'Lead with your mind, not with your heart'
I know you're a family w/ DH now, but you also have your family, and that comes first regardless of the man. The decision is really deep within, search yourself and see what it is you really want in life, talk with him and definitely seek a counselor's advice! Good luck to you in your marriage, hope things work themselves out!

I agree with all above.

There are TWO of you in this relationship and the BOTH of you need to decide these critical things...such as where to live. Sometimes one person is more of a factor than the other (due to career, ect)...but it is BOTH of your decisions...so don't get shunted out this early.

Good luck & my love goes out to you.