ok here goes: my future MIL does not bother with me in any way at all. my fh & i live together for over a year now and she has been here once! she visits his brother & wife once a week (her grandkids are there) and treats my fsil wonderful, calls her constantly, goes shopping with her... but she doesn't call my house, email me, or come here. she doesnt need an invite here and she knows that. she emails and calls my fh at work everyday. when we see her, she never asks me how the wedding planning is going or anything. i fight with my fh over this constantly. he says i am wrong! i have tried on many occassions, i swear, to email her or call and start conversation, i am always the one to do it and i am not doing it anymore! when i do i am always the last to call, then i dont hear from her or see her for months untill an occassion. we see her only on xmas, bdays etc. she lives in long island & works in queens, we live in queens. she drives ALL over the plave like crazy so thats not the problem. now we need to get together all the names & addresses for the guest list and i have had it. i told my fh to go to her house and do it. i am not inviting her here and i refuse to go with him to her house. i am so depressed. my moh says i am right. help. i am so short of telling my fmil off. if i was to ask her why she is like this, my fh will get pissed. here i sit crying, again, over this, now its off to work and my whole mood today is shot. please help me out here.
Becky
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
I don't think it would be a good idea at this point to freeze her out or stop all attempts at having a relationship with her. It sounds like your FH doesn't think his mother is slighting you. He certainly knows her better, so maybe you are misreading the situation. Maybe you should ask her to have lunch or go to lunch with her to work on the guest list together. She may be very responsive to helping you. Is it possible that she became closer with your FSIL after teh grandkids starting to come? It may be that she likes to spend time with the children.
I have a friend whose MIL used to be a nightmare, especially during the wedding planning. That was a few years ago. Now that there is a grandchild and she sees how happy her son is, the relationship is much better. My friend had to hold her tongue on more than one occasion. If she hadn't, I doubt the relationship would be what it is today.
Try to keep in mind that she is going to be in your life forever and she is going to be your children's grandmother. Do waht you can to keep the peace. I don't think it really is a matter of who is right. Having a happy, peaceful family life is worth more than being right!
Good luck and keep us posted.
Becky
Suzanne
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
I wouldnt say anything to her....Actually what i would do it call her leave a message (when you know shes not home) tell her to call you that you need her guest list, make sure you are VERY NICE and try to have your FH around when you do it... then if she doesnt respond, she gets no guests... i know that seems harsh but maybe shell learn... i wouldnt fight with your FH about it now.. you have to much to deal with, planning the wedding and the last thing you want to do is having something terrible happen.. My MIL didnt even bother to send the responce back.!!! GOOD LUCK...and remember no matter what happens with her your going to have a BEAUTIFUL wedding!
jenny11.9
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
Jenn, try to let it go for a while. Sounds to me like she is trying to 'freeze YOU out'. The funny thing with this kind of FMIL is the turnaround when the baby comes!! Who knows what's wrong with her - but you seem like a perfectly nice woman, and your FH loves you enough to marry you! Keep reaching out and don't go to that level. You will always come out on top if you stay positive. This way no matter where the cards fall....everybody involved will know you had your best foot forward. Good luck and keep us posted.
aug9bride
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
I can kind of relate to you on a level. My FMIL finds every oppurtunity to say something upsetting to me. When she is confronted by my FI she apologizes but then does it again the next time we see her. It has gotten to the point where I dread the visits. She has asked my VERY little about the wedding planning. (Off the top of my head I can't think of anything). I have not completely shut her out b/c she is my FI's mother. THats is not to say that I am thrilled with her but ignoring her is not the answer. Try for your FI sake to keeo things civil. That is not to say that you have to continue to invite her over and call her etc. (personally I would not call her or invite her over if she never even made the attempt). Maybe you could calmly ask her if something is bothering her and explain to her what you see as being a problem. If she says nothing but still doesn't change then you tried to resolve this matter and the fact that you two do not have a relationship s her fault, not yours.
Sonicstef
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
It doesn't sound like she is doing anything terribly wrong except for not having the same relationship with you as she does with your fsil. From your description she pretty much leaves you alone and treats you civilly (albeit coldly) Of course it would be ideal to have a wonderful relationship her but sometimes it can take years for a true friendship or it may never happen at all.
Be pleasant but you don't have to make an overwelming effort either. Have your FH handle his guest list and see where it goes from there.
Melissa
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
You definitely need to find out what's going on. There's something she's not telling you. Your FI should try to understand, and if your FI will get mad about you asking her, then I would ask your FI to ask her straight out. You need to know. It's not right. You shouldn't have to feel that way. Maybe she's just like that? Maybe she was like that to his brother's wife before they were married, and it took them getting married and having her grandkids before she warmed up? Definitely, have someone ask her? Is your FI father in the picture? Maybe you can find out through him? Just an idea. Good luck, and I'm sure everything will work out. Don't worry. I think most brides have some problems with their FIL's at some point. You're just having them beforehand.
IrishTracy
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
The way I would handle it would be to treat her like you would want him to treat your Mother if the situation was reversed! I'd probably e-mail her about her guest list & ask her if she just wants to give it to you or if she wants to get together with you! No offense to the other ladies but the whole 'Wait till the babies come' is not the right answer. What if you choose not to have children or God-Forbid can't are you supposed to expect to be treated the same way until forever?? (Some girls would probably love to be in your shoes (there's nothing worse then a nosey MIL ) I would just try to keep it as pleasant as possible. I defiantley wouldn't jump over hoops for her. I hope this helps & you know if you can't vent to anyone else that we are here!!
jenny11.9
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
Just to clear up - I didnt' mean that you should bank on a good relationship when and if you have babies! I only mentioned that because my sister had the same problem and when she had a child her MIL turned around a 100% - I just think it's a funny thing. Obviously your relationship with her should be based on the fact that you love her son and will be a member of her family.
jennbaby
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
thanks ladies you are all great. i'll try a few of your suggestions.....
JennK
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Re: Ladies, I need your help please!
This is definitely something you dont need to deal with right now. I agree with the other ladies in having your FH get the guest list from her. And until the wedding is over, I would try to have as little to do with her as possible because it is obviously upsetting to you (Im not saying ignore her or treat her bad, just avoid her if possible). After the wedding, if she still treats you the same way, I would ask her straight out if she has a problem. You will be her DIL by then, and you will not have the stress of the wedding on your plate when you deal with her. Good luck with it, hope everything works out smoothly for you.
