Let's Laugh...
There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper?” Thinking quickly, the guy replied, “A bird.”
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you do to that naked fellow?” After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”
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The Sweetness of Married Life
Published by Funny Girl on July 24, 2008 under Marriage Jokes
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.
‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. I’m going to have a beer.’
The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar…You know…they have frozen glasses. ‘
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
‘But my sweet honey… at the bar.. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’
‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHI! SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASSS?’
and…they lived happily ever after.
Ah…the sweetness of marriage.
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A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: 'You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.'
The blonde answered, 'No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.'
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One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”
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The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ***-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
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The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, “What did you do to that naked fellow?” After a pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!”
The Sweetness of Married Life
Published by Funny Girl on July 24, 2008 under Marriage Jokes
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.
‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. I’m going to have a beer.’
The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar…You know…they have frozen glasses. ‘
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
‘But my sweet honey… at the bar.. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’
‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHI! SIT YOUR *** DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASSS?’
and…they lived happily ever after.
Ah…the sweetness of marriage.
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: 'You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.'
The blonde answered, 'No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.'
One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ***-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
