Life Philosophy
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
> 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
> 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
> 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
> 5. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?
> 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.
> 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
> 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?
> 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
> 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of
your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
> 12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your
biggest problem.
> 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the walls.
14. A lady came up to me
on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow
was murdered for that jacket?' I said, 'I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
> 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
> 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
> 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
> 5. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?
> 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.
> 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
> 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?
> 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
> 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of
your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
> 12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your
biggest problem.
> 13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the walls.
14. A lady came up to me
on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow
was murdered for that jacket?' I said, 'I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
