Major Vent - family possibly not showing up - long

Fh has a horrible cousin that words can not fully describe. She has done horrible things, she’s said that he is dead to her, and pretends both of us are not there are family parties, and she is jealous thinking the oldest cousin should get married first so she moved 4 hours away to move in with a guy she barely knew.

Fh and I already stated(to fil’s) we don’t want her live in boyfriend, and the more we thought about it we don’t want her there either. Fmil is strongly opposed of this because she doesn’t want to upset her sister and the family (the cousins mother is also very jealous and manages to insult us at every family party). We think that if we invite both, or just cousin to the wedding that they will try and announce something like an engagement to take away from the wedding(tacky but that describes what they would do)..
Fmil says that if we don’t invite them that, that side will not show up, and that his other side might not show up either. So now fh is going to have to kinda find out how true that statement is, or if it’s a bluff. So the more Im thinking about it, if they know our side of the story and still decide to boycott, then I know im not going to have much desire to ever see them at family parties, Because shouldn’t they just want to be there at our day, and shouldnt our wishes matter?

Neither of us want her there, and we know she would do something at the wedding, and fh said he doesn’t want anyone messing up all my hours of planning & money spent(sweet of him to say). Even if she doesnt say something we dont even want to look over and have to see her at it... So shouldn’t the family respect our wishes on the day we will remember for the rest of our lives.?

I can totally commiserate. That cousin sounds so much like FH's sister and her husband. hates me for no reason, won't go near me, I'm dead to her, and I did nothing to her at all. i'm sure it's gonna cause conflict.

I don't know what I'd do. On one hand, you shouldnt be forced to invite her, and if the family loves you, they can see why and they
ll want to be there for you. On the other hand, will she even come if you invite her?

I'd not invite her, but my thing that i feel very strongly about is only inviting people who are 100% supportive. It's not worth inviting someone who is going to rbing you ill wishes on your big day. If FH's family really cares for him and you, they'll be there no matter what.

It's YOUR day
You don't want her there, fine she's not invited.

If others don't want to come because she wasn't invited then fine. Probably better. Anyone who would not come to my wedding because I didn't invite a cousin who everyone KNOWS I don't get along well with would probably end up talking crap at the wedding anyway so fine, don't come.

Even with my lack of people, there are STILL people I refuse to invite. It's YOUR day!!

Enjoy it.

Good Luck!

I'm sorry you are going thru this here is a hug

we are 99.9% sure she would show up... she makes it obvious that shes ignoring us, and she even has her bf ignore us too...

im really pissed because if the family knows both sides and still decides to boycott, i really dont see myself making conversation with any of them. Not that I would avoid family events or anything, but i just wouldnt start conversation, id just politely answer any questions....

While it's a been a long time since I've been a bride.. I wanted to say, dont wory about not inviting the lunatic.
Remember People who are invited to your wedding are supposed to be people that love you and your FI. And that not only wnat to share in this one day in your lives but everyday from beginning to end.
This person does not seem to love the two of you nor be excited about this momentous occasion in your life.
If family members decide to stand by her, fine all the better, at least then you and FH know that people that do come are truly your family!!
Would you rather have people come out of obligation or celebration???

I totally feel you..

It's insane the whole idea you have to invite certain 'family members' or other family won't come, or be offended you didn't include others.

Like with my family, I have to invite people I haven't seen in years except at funerals, just to 'do the right thing'

I don't know if it's better to do the right thing or do what makes you happy, even if some people think you selfish or rude. I mean if they really love you, they will understand right?

My FH and I keep going in circles about what to do with this..

I don't know if I helped in anyway, but I know exactly how you feel.

---

Posted by june262004

But they are family. I wouldnt want to turn the family in turmoil. JMO.

---

I am with Kristin....As much as you may dislike her it may cause quite the family war! Just make sure no matter your decision you are okay with the possible outcome!

First... ...for you!

We're in a similar situation but we're dealing with FH's brother and a cousin. The brother we are 100% sure we are not inviting but the cousin is a different story. We're torn because on the one hand the hate is mutual and we don't want her there but on the other hand it would insult her family which includes two other cousins. I'm for inviting her with the belief that she won't show up. So we save face and can turn it around on her. In the meanwhile I gave her a pretty generous wedding gift for her wedding and I expect it back. I know that might sound awful but it's the truth.

As far as the brother - we spoke with the family and they respect our decision so there isn't any drama there - yet.

if we had this same situation with a sibling, we would still invite the sibling...

but this is a cousin who we have no desire to ever see...
we dont mind if the aunts and uncles boycott, but its going to be tough if the grandparents refuse to show... and also the grandparents already know the extra information that adds to why we dont want her there.... so i will be very dissapointed in the grandparents if they actually boycott...

its also frustrating because this side of his family never cares about the wedding plans, never asks how i am or anything, yet the other side is the complete opposite and so caring...

im sorry you have to deal with this but i was in the same sort of situation only it was my sisters boyfriend and her childs father. i have tried to forgive him after many times he has done terrible things to me personally and thats not counting his drug problem or the way he treats my sister.

a few months before the wedding he and i almost came to blows because he went to hit me and i decided then and there never to talk to him again or be in the same room. when i sent out the invitations his name wasnt on it and he wasnt invited. my sister who was in the wedding party told my mother that she and my goddaughter.flowergirl wouldnt be coming unless he was.

i hate him so i refused at first to give in and then seeing how upset my mom was getting because of my sisters threats to never again let me or mom see the kids i gave in... and you know what... i didnt even notice him i made an honest effort to forget he was there and i honestly did. i only noticed him dancing on the video and that he is getting edited out of lol. sometimes although you might not want to for the sake of family you have to swallow your pride. i would do it for his grandparents because you will want them there for the pictures and video since they wont always be here. but thats just my opinion

JMO- but I think I would invite her +1. Let her be the bad guy and decide not to come. This way her family has no excuse to hold things against you.

I remember you talking about her before...and she sounds crazy!
I dont' blame you for not wanting to invite her....we didn't invite one of my mother's cousins because he is a terrible person (long story) but we invited his sister and parents. We were hoping there wouldnt' be a family problem over it, and luckily, there wasn't.
But I don't know what I'd do if not inviting him would cause huge problems.....
maybe you can invite her and then keep the police close at hand to escort her out if she becomes a problem.....?

sorry emily - you don't deserve these sorts of things!

assign a larger GM to watch her and make sure she does'nt try to ruin anything - and if she does, excort her out.
the police might be a little drastic, i guess.
you know, tom used to be a security guard.....he wouldn't mind keeping an eye on her for you!

omg... you were just giving me thoughts...

mikes inviting like a whole ice hockey team.. it would be soooooo fun seeing them restrain her...

lori- you and tom are always welcome to come

see - invite her and then let the hockey team harass her all night...everyone can have a good time!!!