marriage jokes

Just a few jokes to make you ladies laugh (even if you have seen these already)

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.'


Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' 'Yeah? ' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.''


Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'what took you so long to ans wer the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'


Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home 'Mother of six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.'


Marriage (Part V)
On the first night of their marriage, after making love a man asks his new bride to try on his pants. She giggles, as she does it, but the pants are so large on her. He looks at her and says, 'Honey, I want to explain something to you. I am the man of the house, and I WEAR THE PANTS. I expect you to be a dutiful wife, never argue with me, and always maintain a neat home and prepare good food.'

She takes off his pants, picks up her underwear, and hands it to him. 'My love', she says, 'Would you please put on my panties'. He looks at them, tries to put them on but cannot get both feet in. He looks at her and says 'oh darling, I simply cannot get into your panties'.

She looks at him and says 'and if you don't change your attitude you never will'.


Marriage (Part VI)
A young girl had just gotten married. She had never been with a man and very scared of her wedding night. To make her feel better, her mother told her she would stay in the hallway outside her bedroom in case she needed anything.

The bride and groom go into the bridal suite and begin to kiss. Suddenly the young woman runs out into the hallway.

'mamma', she says, 'he's got a hairy face. I don't like kissing him' The mother tells her that men are supposed to have a hairy face and she needs to go back inside.

A few more minutes go by and the man starts to take his shirt off. Once more the young woman runs out into the hallway.

'mamma', she says, 'he's got a hairy chest. I don't like touching it' The mother tells her that men are supposed to have a hairy chest and she needs to go back inside.

A few more minutes go by and the man takes off his shoes and pants. The bride notices that he is missing half of his left foot. Once more the young woman runs out into the hallway

'mamma', she says, frightened, 'He's got a foot and a half'.

'You stay here!!!' says the mother, and she runs inside and locks the door.

Ohhh, I just got another one:

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

'Roger,' Elaine says aloud.

'What?' says Roger, startled.

'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....'

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

'What?' says Roger.

'I'm such a fool,' Elaine sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'

'There's no horse?' says Roger.

'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' Elaine says.

'No!' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

'It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

'Yes,' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?' she says.

'What way?' says Roger.

'That way about time,' says Elaine.

'Oh,' says Roger. 'Yes.'

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Roger,' she says.

'Thank you,' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: 'Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

I loved that one!

---

Posted by TheLadyJ

Ohhh, I just got another one:

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their....

'Roger,' Elaine says aloud.

'What?' says Roger, startled.

'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....'

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

'What?' says Roger.

'I'm such a fool,' Elaine sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'

'There's no horse?' says Roger.

'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' Elaine says.

'No!' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

'It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

'Yes,' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?' she says.

'What way?' says Roger.

'That way about time,' says Elaine.

'Oh,' says Roger. 'Yes.'

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Roger,' she says.

'Thank you,' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: 'Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

---

and so true!