Maxi- pad fun!
Want a good laugh???
This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really
gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos
on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an A always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be
anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in
your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
'Put
down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will
not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's
a
promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for
This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really
gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos
on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16
in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an A always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be
anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in
your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like
'Put
down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will
not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's
a
promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for
