May Call it All Off

This is long, so please be patient. I don't know where to start. My fiance and I have had an on and off relationship for four years. We love each other and he is a wonderful person in so many ways. But the biggest underlying problems in our relationship have been my fears about his lack of motivation and inability to support a family, our inability to work problems out without a big blowout, and our different outlooks on money.

I fell in love with him for his love of life, his sense of humor, and his kind, loving nature. I also fell in love with him because from the first day we met he has offered me unconditional love. He has always made me feel so special and like I am such an important person in his life. He has always made it known that he wants to marry me and that he loves me deeply and will until the day he dies. He has never looked at another woman. He's always been attentive, affectionate, and loving. I have so much fun with him and he always makes me laugh. This is the kind of love that I have always dreamed of and want nothing less for myself. If it all stopped there, I wouldn't have a problem.

I've always been bothered by his lack of motivation and lack of interest in planning for the future. He is 28 years old and is a Catholic school teacher. He finally got this job (well, his mom really got it for him) after more than five years of subbing in the public schools. I have no problem with his being in the Catholic schools--this could be a bridge to getting into the public schools and making more money. But, I don't see him doing anything to make this happen just like I haven't seen him doing anything to make ANYTHING happen for his career for the past four years. If something good happens in his career, it's not because HE did anything to make it happen. He has no drive in this area of his life. He won't even bother to put in the effort to make a portfolio of his work--which is VERY important in interviewing for teaching jobs. I've offered to help him, but he seems so disinterested and even annoyed at the idea.

Sometimes I ask him if he even likes his job, and he says he does, but I don't believe him.

Right now I'm pursuing a master's degree in education and plan to be very aggressive about getting a job. I'm enthusiastic and highly motivated. I make things happen. The bottom line is, although I love him--and so many things about him--I'm afraid that he will become a led weight I'll have to drag along in life and that I'll resent him for it. I'm afraid that he will not do all he can to provide for me and a family, and that I'll resent him for that, too.

When I tell him about my fears he either gives me vague reassurances or becomes angry and defensive and says, 'Why is money so important to you? Why is it all about money?' as if I'm some sort of materialistic, shallow, money-hungry woman.

I just don't trust him (to do whatever it takes to provide for us financially). This is breaking my heart because it looks like I have to end this (we've already tried counseling several different times, which usually ends up making things worse somehow.) We just booked the hall on Friday, so I hope I can get my deposite back. PLEASE HELP! I'm sorry this is soooo long.

Re: May Call it All Off

I just don't trust him

this is a big sign that you might not be ready to get married (YET)...I think you should both go talk to a counselor...

Re: May Call it All Off

I just wanted to give you a hug I suggest you post this on the BHB board as they can probably give you better advice. My best friend is going through a similar situation but alot worst as he is living off of her and is a complete loser. I have told her many times to leave him as I think he doesn't love her as much as she does him. Your situation is different and I think its something that can be worked out with time.

Re: May Call it All Off

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First I have to commend you for questioning your future now when your worst case scenario is a lost catering hall deposit rather than later when you would forfeit more deposits, or worse, finance a divorce.

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and if my husband subbed for five years without looking for a job I think I'd be at my wits end. I dated someone like that once and it was a turnoff that couldn't be compensated for in any way regardless of his better qualities.

I think you already answered your own question when you said you have to end this. If you're still not sure, though, and want to try more counseling, I would get your deposit back now if you can. Your chances will be better sooner rather than later because then the hall will have more time to rebook the date.

Re: May Call it All Off

He probably isn't happy in his career choice and maybe he did it because it seemed like an easy way to make money and get good vacations (I know not all teachers are in it for that, but there are some people like that). My brother is similar to your FH as he is 32 and has had one full time job that he held for a year and the others have been temp or part time. Some people don't figure out what they want in life until later....much later. Not to blame it on his mom, but maybe she coddles him too much and bails him out of trouble. I know my mom has done that for my bro until he just got married in Nov. Maybe if the two of you got married, it would force him to be responsible for himself, rather than mommy taking care of him and finding a job for him.

Good luck, he sounds like he really makes you smile

Re: May Call it All Off

I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who's not so career driven myself right now - if everything else is wonderful, why is his career so important to you?

Its sounds like you're planning on a career of your own and can help support the family, so why does that responsibility fall on him? Its untraditional, but you could be the bread winner.

I guess I wouldn't give up yet unless you're unwilling to accept this side of him. I wouldn't describe him as a loser, just as someone less ambitious that you. And there's really nothing wrong with that (though society today makes you think everyone needs to be climbing the ladder). But you need to make peace with it, or you will be miserable with him.

Good Luck!

Re: May Call it All Off

If you have these issues and concerns now, my best advice would be to postpone the wedding and give him a year. You cannot change a person unless they want to change themselves. Good luck with everything. I wish you all the best.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I admire you for not being in denial about these issues as most people are. I think you should talk to him about how serious this is. does he know that this could end your relationship. maybe he will be motivated by the fact that he might lose you if he doesn't try to get his act together. he seems to be trying though, @ least he works and doesn't stay home and mooch off you or his parents. my advice is to try to work it out and let him know hos serious this situation is-so it doesn't come out of left field. he sounds like a great guy and as long as you agree to try and work on these issues you should love him through it--keep encouraging him... i agree with lisa T!

Re: May Call it All Off

I've tried telling myself that I shouldn't put so much pressure on him and that things will just fall into place, but these same issues keep rising to the surface.

I could live with being the breadwinner if I was confident that he'd be a big help in taking care of our home and any children we may have, but I think he's kind of lazy and am afraid that not only would I be the breadwinner, but that I'd be taking care of mostly everything. I tell him about my fears, but he just tells me that we'll work as a team and that everything will work out fine. Unfortunately, I think he's just saying this to appease me momentarily and I don't really believe him, although I'd like to.

Part of me really loves him, but I just can't shake my fears about him. ANd I hate to say this, but I find myself looking at other women's men and being jealous--wishing my fiance were more like them. But that could just be the whole 'grass is always greener' syndrome.

Thanks for your advice and help everyone. THis is so difficult!

Re: May Call it All Off

'I fell in love with him for his love of life, his sense of humor, and his kind, loving nature. I also fell in love with him because from the first day we met he has offered me unconditional love. He has always made me feel so special and like I am such an important person in his life.'

I guess you have to decide if this is enough for you.

Some What If's to consider:
What if He was a good provider and then became disabled and could no longer work?

What if he really loves what he is doing and is satisfied with the lifestyle that it affords?

What if you are the sole financial provider and he picks up the rest of the family responsibilities?

Can you make your life together work if He dosent change?

Re: May Call it All Off

my DH didn't do any housework when he worked at his last job...partly b/c he worked really long hours...but he made a lot of money...so he got people to come in...when he got laid-off...it was like Mr. Mom...you'd be surprised...


I think either way...you need to talk...with guidelines of no judgments or yelling...if you cannot do this on your own...you should talk to someone...

Re: May Call it All Off

questions...from what you wrote here: 'I also fell in love with him because from the first day we met he has offered me unconditional love. He has always made me feel so special and like I am such an important person in his life.'

can you offer HIM unconditional love? loving him regardless of his ambitions and career choices?

Do you make him feel special and like the most important person in YOUR life?

I think if you can't offer him what he offers you, you shouldn't get married. He deserves those things too.

Re: May Call it All Off

This is coming from someone is also career driven, so it may sound harsh. I don't think I would be able to live and marry a man who is not interested in 'supporting' his family, either financially or with household duties. It doen't have to be both, and it never either one or another, but in the end, if he makes no effort to achieve anything with his life now, I too would be worried about the future and probably would not be thinking about marriage at this point.

I believe that for many men a sense of accomplishment and self-worth comes from being able to provide for your family, and if he does not currently have this 'sense' most likely he will not develop it unless he tries. Which you're saying he doesn't.

So if I were you, I would be weary, and only marry him if you're willing to accept and live with (without regrets) with this unambitious personality trait.

I am sorry you're going through this now!!!

Re: May Call it All Off

I guess I have a few pieces of advice:
- Love is very important, but not the only thing that makes a marriage work. The truth is most of us have loved more than one man before yet we didn't marry all of them. There is a reason for that. So you can love someone very, very much and they might not be the right person for you to marry.


-Everyone's priorities in life are different. You are a career driven women. He is just not that person. In some relationships having only one person be so driven is a blessing. I am a bit unsure as to why he is reasonable for supporting you and a family. If you are so driven why can't you be the bread winner and have him be the person who supports your efforts and helps more at home or with the children? I know a lot of couples that have this arraingment and it works out great, for them.

-It is unfair to expect him to change 'all of a sudden'. He isn't being fake with you. This is who he is. Making a ton of $$$ or having an administrator positon is just not important to him. He is either a)happy doing what he does, b)doesn't really care because he has a job that pays a few bills and isn't that hard or c) doesn't feel he is 'good enough' for more. No matter what his reasons this is the man. It is unfair to expect him to change because you want him to.

Marriage is a decision, not just some heart felt emotion. It is about a life together. If every fight is a brawl, if things are just not working out, then you shouldn't in my opinion be getting married.

Re: May Call it All Off

I have dated someone like this in the past and it is not a matter of loving him enough to accept it....
It's not solely about the money....it's a thought process...a way of life almost.
People who are un-motivated are not just so in career, it usually leaks into other areas too....

I am VERY driven in my career and would never be able to build a life with someone who is not ambitious and motivated. It doesn't have to be about the money....someone can be motivated to clean the house...do the laundry....even cook dinner...but someone who is complacent or has a lack of motivation usually isn't
But it sounds like he is used to being 'taken care of' and he may want you to do that for him.

This doesn't have to be about who is the breadwinner....this has to be about him wanting a good life for you and him and striving for it.
He has to strive for something.....no?

I am sorry to hear this.....I know it's hard.
I ended up leaving my ex and he is still living at home (at 30 yrs. old) and has been unemployed for a very long time....

Re: May Call it All Off

Sage,

The wording in your post really spoke to me. I think you really hit the nail on the head. It's not just about money with me. It's about knowing that the person that I choose to spend my life with will be innately motivated to do SOMETHING besides go to Mets games and have a good time. If I had confidence that he would bring an equal contribution to the table, whether it be in the form of cooking, housework, or breadwinning, I'd be satisfied. But based on what I've seen, that confidence just isn't there, no matter how much I love him.

Thank you for your advice.

And thank you to everyone for your input as well!!

Re: May Call it All Off

I wish you the best of luck in your decision Pattyd!!!!

Re: May Call it All Off

I am not the best person to ask for advise about this but from all the advise I got that I have taken from all the girls on here when I was going through this is, try going to counseling and see if you can resolve your problems, take some time apart and see if that motivates him, realizing that you will not be in his life anymore if he doesn't change, if he loves you enough that will scare him into doing anything, trust me on that. Hope this helps and everything works out for you.

Lots of

Re: May Call it All Off

Thanks again for all of your advise--you are all so wonderful!