MIL advice needed -- LONG

Hey guys and gals:

OK, this may be more appropriate for the TTC board, but since boosh and I have forged relationships with many of you on this board, this is probably the best place to turn to for advice.

Early next year, boosh and I will begin TTC. We're going to the doc in September to talk about the preparation needed, prenatals, etc.

Both sides of parents are very excited about the thought of being grandparents and know that this will be happening. Here's the problem. My MIL has a BIG mouth. We have a great relationship and all, but when it comes to keeping things confidential, she can't do it. Two examples

Boosh is on a strict diet to lose weight in preparation for pregnancy. The only one we told about this was my MIL. We figured if we told too many people and Boosh didn't lose right away, people would make comments to my MIL about her not being dedicated. It's happened before. We didn't even tell my parents and asked my MIL not to tell anyone and named a few people we specifically did not want to know. Thursday, she admits to us that she slipped and told this person who we asked her not to, because the person was bragging about her daughter and she felt compelled to brag about Boosh. I was furious but since Boosh wasn't that mad, I let it slide. My MIL defended her decision by saying that at least she was honest in telling me the truth that she had slipped and that should make it OK.

Another example, before we got engaged, she knew I had the ring and knew when I was going to propose. She would call me 5 times a day, asking if she could tell people. I kept telling her no, but she kept bugging me so much that I relented and by the time we were engaged and told people, everybody knew and had to fake acting surprised.

So, now, we will be TTC and when Boosh gets pregnant, it will be a closely monitored three months because she has a thyroid condition and a few other things. Hence, we don't want to tell people until we're confident that Boosh is out of the woods and can carry the baby to term. This will probably be around the three month mark. We are planning on not telling both sets of parents until this point, when we'll be ready to tell everyone, because my MIL will definitely not be able to keep this confidential and if something should happen, god forbid, we don't want to have to go back and convey bad news. We know that she'll be hurt that she did not know sooner, but there really is no other way to make sure that no one finds out before we're ready to tell. Plus, it's our news, not hers.

Is this bad of us to wait this long to tell parents? What do you all think?

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Posted by don424

Is this bad of us to wait this long to tell parents? What do you all think?

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Not at all. Especially because those you specifically wish to entrust personal info cant actually be trusted.

No, I'd wait too. You don't need the added stress. You should tell parents first, but that doesn't mean immediately.

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Posted by don424

Is this bad of us to wait this long to tell parents? What do you all think?

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DH & I plan to wait at least 3 months until we tell people if I get PG... I also have hypothyroidism and have already miscarried once. We wil not be telling anyone (except our ob/gyn. obviously) until then.

It is a perfectly acceptable thing to do & from what I thought, it is the tradition.

The only thing that we will have a problem with is that I am a pretty big drinker & will have a hard time hiding 'not drinking' when the time comes.



If she is insulted, then that is her problem. I am not saying that in a snotty way, but it is a very personal decision, even moreso than when you decided to get engaged & considering both you& DW's feelings, no offense, but your MILs feelings should not even be a consideration. It is not like you will be keeping it from her forever, just until you both feel it is time for her to know.

Good luck TTC {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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Posted by don424

We are planning on not telling both sets of parents until this point, when we'll be ready to tell everyone, because my MIL will definitely not be able to keep this confidential and if something should happen, god forbid, we don't want to have to go back and convey bad news. We know that she'll be hurt that she did not know sooner, but there really is no other way to make sure that no one finds out before we're ready to tell. Plus, it's our news, not hers.

Is this bad of us to wait this long to tell parents? What do you all think?

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I think you learned from your past experience and I don't think it is bad to wait. I know many friends who waited that long to tell even immediate family. MIL will be upset but will get over it quick - hey she will be super psyched she is having a grandchild on the way. I think you need to decide what is best for you and Boosh and the baby to be when the time comes and this is a very personal decision that only you as a coupel can decide and if you think MIL will add additional stress than it is worth the 3 months wait!

I don't think it's bad to wait at all. That's a personal decision and anyone who doesn't like it should go scratch. FH and I don't have the same background with our moms as you do with MIL but we've also already agreed that we're not mentioning it to anyone until a reasonable amount of time has passed where we're confident that things will be ok. My cousin just lost her baby 6 days before it was due and it was an unbelievably traumatic experience. While obviously you can't wait until the baby's born, the more precautions you take the better.

This is about you two and your unborn baby, not your MIL. As long as Boosh is in agreement with this decision, I think it's totally acceptable.

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Posted by eogara

I don't think it's bad to wait at all. That's a personal decision and anyone who doesn't like it should go scratch. FH and I don't have the same background with our moms as you do with MIL but we've also already agreed that we're not mentioning it to anyone until a reasonable amount of time has passed where we're confident that things will be ok. My cousin just lost her baby 6 days before it was due and it was an unbelievably traumatic experience. While obviously you can't wait until the baby's born, the more precautions you take the better.

This is about you two and your unborn baby, not your MIL. As long as Boosh is in agreement with this decision, I think it's totally acceptable.

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yes we both are in agreement

Yes Im in agreement with this. We even gave my mom the option of telling people she works with because I dont know them and will never meet them and that wasnt good enough for her. She wants to tell my aunts, neighbors, etc.. and I didnt wasnt having that.

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Posted by boosh78201

Yes Im in agreement with this. We even gave my mom the option of telling people she works with because I dont know them and will never meet them and that wasnt good enough for her. She wants to tell my aunts, neighbors, etc.. and I didnt wasnt having that.

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That's too bad. I wish you didn't even have to worry about this, but I think you guys are making a good decision for both of you. And she will be happy to be a grandma, I am sure, when the time comes

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Posted by don424

we asked her if she could guarantee that she could keep it quiet and she admitted that she couldn't

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Then I would not tell her until you announce it to everyone. It will be hard not telling everyone but that is what is best for you and Boosh.

I am bad, I would not be able to wait 3 months until I tell everyone. Since I have been trying amost 10 months, when it does happen I will be so happy, I will be telling everyone!!

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Posted by don424

we asked her if she could guarantee that she could keep it quiet and she admitted that she couldn't

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Well then she would have zero right to get upset. And again, if she does, she'll get over it. She's not going to die because she didn't know about the baby earlier than three months. Plus, you said you're not telling your parents either so there should be no rivalry thing going on there either.

By the way, didn't say it earlier, but congrats you guys - that's such a wonderful decision!

Of course, you'll tell US right???

I don't think it's wrong at all....especially if there is a health risk to mother and child. Many people wait till the 3 month mark, maybe not for family, but nonetheless.....you and Boosh MUST do what is right for the two of you. I understand not telling until you get the green light that the Boosh and the baby will be healthy for 9 months.


It might be hard to hide your excitement though....especially if you see your family often!

Good Luck!

I would keep it from her until the 3rd month. This is not the kind of thing you want getting around. It happened to someone I knew- his wife kept getting pregnatn (twice), they would announce it- and she lost the baby. (Now she has 3 healthy children- but at the time- I can't imagine what they went through).

FYI- it is the Jewish Tradition not to announce a pregnancy before the 3rd month. I guess its superstition about the same thing.

I personally don't see what a big deal it is to tell anybody right away that your preggo if you don't want to.

So you want to wait a few months to announce it to the world. Thats fine... and frankly you shouldn't have to justify that decision to anyone (not even family).

Just don't tell anyone till you are ready. Thats what I would do.

I definitely think you're doing the right thing by not telling anyone. In my family, people generally always wait until the 3 month makr to tell anyone. You're definitely doing the right thing. Gd forbid something did happen, it would just make the loss so much more painful if you and boosh had to tell 100 people the bad news. And if boosh can carry the baby to term, then you'll have a really joyful and not a tentative occasion telling everyone at the 3 month mark! Best of Luck

I know that'll just be stating the same thing as everyone else...but here goes....do what youthink is best!!!! I think your decision is smart - it's for all the right reasons and to be perfectlyhonest with you - I would NEVER tell ANYONE I was pregnant until the three month mark when you get the all clear from the doctor. I am very superstitious that way. We plan on telling FH's parent first before everyone else but at the three month mark and not a moment before. If she gets upset tell her that your intention was not to hurt her feelings - remind her that NO ONE knew before her.