Mom is giving me problems now

Last night...My mother calls Danielle and I into the den and she asks if we would goto the Kol Nidre Service on yum kippor eve. I am jewish and Danielle is Catholic. Now I havent gone to any services in 5 years. I dont believe that you have to go to temple to be jewish, but my parents think that I am wrong. They goto all holiday services and sometimes friday night services too. My mom is also very active in the temple.

So last night....when she asked, and I knew she was going to ask....I told her that I dont goto temple anymore....and she started laying on the giult....She told me to do it for her.....out of respect...She does this every year to me.

After Danielle left she told me that she is going to go to the church for when Danielle and I have children and she thinks that I should bring Danielle to temple so she can see how our religion celebrates holidays....Danielle and I are going to raise our kids catholic.

She then tells me that she doesnt think its fair that I am going to Danielles sisters baby's christenings in november and Danielle cannot go to temple for 2 hours.

Danielle said that she doesnt mind coming, she just doesn want my mother being mad at her....I dont think my mom should of said anything in front of her....Because she knows hw Opposed I would be of her.

I hate it because now I feel really guilty...My mother always makes me fell this way....If you were me what would you do?

I feel like she is threatening me....

As my Mother (who is also Jewish) says- That is their job to make us feel guilty. It is the last little bit of control they have on us.

My Mother who I don't think has ever been to temple, lost our Menorah for 20 years and who's house looks like Rockerfella Center at Christmas time, told me she will be hurt if I bring my kids up Catholic. Frankie is Catholic, my father is catholic and she doesn't know a word of hebrew or any of the teaching. My mother has only married Italian men. So you might ask why would she insist that I raise my kids Jewish? Guilt She lives for it but I love her anyways!

If you do not feel comfortable going to temple. Tell your mother that, plain and simple. I am not comfortable and why would you want to make both myself and Danielle uncomfortable.

I know you feel bad but don't let her get to you too much!

If you both go this one time, will it make her happy? Do you have other family members that go also (grandparents?) I know what its like to have religious family members (Im Catholic) and I probably would do it for your mom, if it would make her feel better. I also think in one way or another your children (one day) will be taught/exposed to both religions (No?), especially if their grandparents on one side are Jewish and they themselves wont be.
Ive never been in your shoes, so I dont know the best advice. But I would try to acknowledge your Jewish background also, and if you have children, even if you raise them Catholic, Im sure they will attend Jewish get togethers at the grandparents home, so maybe you should see if Danielle would go (since she's such a good sport ) and maybe she'll enjoy it too.

I hope that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for your quick replies....I told her last night plain and simple...that I didnt believe in it, plain and simple.

She just wont give on it...She has to lay the guilt on thick. I told her it is my life, and not hers...She does this every year. Last year she did it to me too, but Danielle wasnt in the picture.

She says she is ok with the fact that we are going to raise our kids catholic but if she had it her way she would want them raised jewish.

Its not like my kids are never going to go to temple. If she wants to take them to services, that is fine with Danielle and I. I am just not going to go.

There is also another problem. Danielle and I had planned to move into my apartment where I live now. It is on the second floor of my parents house. We want to stay there so we can save money. There is no kitchen, so we would have to eat and cook downstairs, and there is no private entrance.

My mom tells me that we cannot have a christmas tree if we live there....Danielle is not happy about this, and im not also because then it feels that my mother isnt open to Danielles religion. Danielle isnt going to convert to Judiasm...and we both dont think its fair that she isnt allowed to have any of her religion in the house. Even though it is my parents house, we will be living in an apartment, and we will be paying rent.

My brother and his family goes to services, and my sister and her family goes to services. I am the only one that doesnt go.

Danielle said she would go to temple if it would make my mom feel better, but I dont think it will. I think my mother is going to ask the same next year and say it is out of respect for her.

I want my mom to go to the christening of our kids and I want both my parents to be part of my childrens lives....I dont know why she is doing this...Why does she have to cause a problem.

I feel that my mother is going to have to be more flexible on certain things. Im not a little kid anymore....but I dont think she sees it that way....if that makes sense.
Scott

It sounds like you and your mother are both firm on your beliefs and how you stand on the issues. I think you are going to need to find another apartment to live in, I think that is the only way you will be able to live your life the way you and Danielle want to.

Good Luck

Scott, it sounds like you and Danielle are being as fair and as nice as you can possibly be. If you dont want to go to temple, there's nothing wrong with that. and its really nice of Danielle to offer to go, to keep peace in the family.
Its really not fair to your mom to say youre not allowed to have an Xmas tree
If she wants her religion acknowledged, your wife's religion should be acknowledged. maybe you can explain to her that it has to go both ways, especially since her future grandchildren will be Catholic.
I hope you all work everything out.

Liz...I think you are right. I think I am going to have to tell them that Danielle and I are going to find an apartment somewhere else. It will probably be better for the both of us....even though it would of been good living in my house because then we would be able to save alot of money for our own house.

I dont like feeling this way....I want to talk to my mother now and tell her that this is how its going to be....and I want her to be there for my kids chrsitening when the day comes...I want my parent to be apart of my childrens lives.

I cant seem to say the right thing....to my mother. It seems that she is right and I am wrong with my feelings. I was thinking of writing her a letter, it would be easier for me to get my thoughts out on paper than to discuss them with her in person. Especially since it is usually a one sided conversation. She thinks she is right and I am wrong....

I find it funny that everytime I spoke to loud, she would say shhh you are going to wake your father. She knows that he would tell her to leave me alone.

She has to realize that im not a little kid anymore....I have my own life and one day I am going to have my own family....

Scott

I sent you an FM

fm

Oh, I could write pages on this!! My DH is Jewish & I'm Catholic. Thank GOD his mom lives in Florida!!!! Our son had no bris and he's being baptized next week. We're having the rabbi who co-officiated our wedding come to the church to bless our son and give him a Hebrew name (my DH's late father's Hebrew name which my MIL 'requested'). Apparently, that isn't enough for her, b/c she won't be coming. Neither will his brother or his sister. Although, his sister can make it to the party , just not the church. I love the support!!! Not.

My only advice to you is to stand your ground with your mother. Maybe she'll realize it's in her best interests to let you live your life. (DH's mother is a lost cause. She's 70 and she'll never open her mind.) Oh, and definitely get another apartment!!!!!!! I could never, ever, ever live 'with' my MIL!

Out of curiosity, are you and Danielle getting married in the church or at your reception site?

Good luck!!


ETA: My MIL'loves' me and she's thrilled that her son has a 'beautiful wife who loves him very much'. We actually get along swimmingly (remember, she's in Florida) She just truly has no clue that she's disrespecting me by not being able to 'accept' my faith.

SCOTT, SCOTT, SCOTT.... I am glad that your eyes are open to your Mother's manipulative ways..yes I use manipultive you can use the word 'guilt', it's all the same.

Please PLEASE...do not stay in your Mother's house after you are married, do you want to save money or do you want to be divorced in less than a year????

This temple thing is only the tip of the iceberg and the way I hear you sound, you know that it's true.
Your fiance sounds great and she's willing to do just about anything to make your Mother NOT mad at her, but believe it, once the wedding is offically over she may not feel like that anymore.

Good Luck to you and the girls are this board are giving you great advice!

everyone thanks so much. I just wrote up my 4 page letter to my mother...I have to type it up...and if you guys want to see it before I print it....I would love to hear some feedback on it.

I feel so bad, because I have a great relationship with my parents I cannot believe that my mom is acting this way. She loves Danielle and she loves the person that I am because of Danielle...

Why cant she just let us live our lives.....they way we want to live them.

I think this letter is going to hit her hard...She has no idea that I am writing it....I think she thinks that I am going to give in this time to her like I have done in the past...

Dear Mom, 9/22/03

I have been doing a lot of thinking since our discussion Sunday night and I have come to the conclusion that Danielle and I will not be attending Kol Nidre Services.
First of all I cannot believe that you brought it up in front of Danielle knowing what my response would be.
I went to services for 27 years mostly out of respect for you and Dad. Believe me if it was up to me I would have stopped going a long time ago. Every year you asked me if I was going and you told me to go out of respect for you. So don’t say you never did that before.
When I hit 27 I decided I wasn’t going to attend services anymore and I realized that I didn’t need the temple in my life. Maybe one day I will change my mind about attending services, but right now I feel strongly about what I need from the Jewish religion. I don’t feel less of a Jew because I do not participate in services and IM sorry if you do. This is my life, and I have to live it my way.
Last night I felt threatened with how you were talking to me. Telling me that you are going to go to my children’s christening so I would need to go to temple to return the favor.
I thought you were ok with me raising our children Catholic. I know you like Danielle and you know how I feel about her. Why do you have to try to ruin this time for us? I am getting married in 11 months, and I have a lot on my plate now. Why do you have to add more stress to my life now? Just be happy that I found someone that makes my life complete.
In the Jewish Religion, the children are supposed to be raised the religion of the mother. I am sorry that you are not happy that our children are going to be raised Catholic. If you want my kids to attend services on the holidays, that is fine with Danielle and I. We already discussed it and we decided that we want our children to grow up with both religions and to also celebrate all of the holidays.
After doing some thinking, Danielle and I decided that it would be best for us to move out and get our own apartment some where else. A place that has a kitchen and a private entrance.
I was so annoyed that you said Danielle and I couldn’t have a christmas tree in “our” apartment. I understand that it is your house, and I would understand if we weren’t paying you any rent, but we are going to be paying you rent. You will not see the tree, it will be upstairs.
You have to be more open to Danielle’s religion. This is an interfaith marriage. That means that her religion and my religion will be coming together. We will have the best of both worlds. If we were living at Danielle’s house, her mother would not have a problem with me bringing a menorah into her house. I think it will be best for us to move out into our own place.
Last night you tried to compare the Kol Nidre services to a christening. There are a few differences. A christening is 45 minutes at the most and Kol Nidre Services are 2 hours and 45 minutes long. A christening is a big family gathering sort of like a bar mitzvah not kol nidre services. There is a big difference, and you cannot compare the two. If it was a bar mitzvah or something like that, I would have no problem attending the service, and Danielle would come too.
The holidays are a very happy time for me. I know when I was younger, I didn’t think that. I would stay in my room most of the night and I would come out to say hello, eat dinner and then goodnight. A lot has changed since then. I owe most of what changed to Danielle. The holidays are now a very happy time for me. Especially since Danielle is there. I get to see my family I haven’t seen in a while and I get to spend time with you guys. I am not there because of your respect; I am there because it makes me happy to be there. Danielle has been a major influence on me and she made me see how important my family is to me.
Being forced to attend services does not make me happy. You should be contempt enough with me wanting to spend the holidays with the family. You shouldn’t try to force me to attend services when you know I do not want to.
I am not a little boy anymore. I am a grown man, 32 next month. I have my own feelings and my own beliefs, and I have the ability to make up my own decisions. IM sorry that you do not like my decision of not attending services. I just wish you could see what I want and not what you want.
Please respect my feelings.
Love,
Scott

first off, to you and dnaielle...my mother is a catholic fined - and both myself and fh are not that religious...we plan onbringing up our children catholic, so i iknow its a little different but my mo also tries to guilt us into going to church every sunday and holidays....i feel like you do - you don't have to go to be religious or anything...this is diifuclut but you seem to have writtne a nice letter....its easier to do this eomtimes too b/c its hard to say everythign you want often times when dealing with a parent....its best to stand your groundnow b/c otherwise all you will hear next holiday is how you did it last holdiay, etc....it won't help in the long run...

good luck - be glad you have each other to help you through this and vent with!

Im sure my mom would say that too next year......

If i gave in to her...but im not going to.