mom's and money - oh this is fun :) LONG!

ok ladies, another blunt question from yours truly! regarding the bridal shower - what is customary these days? i know in the past it was considered poor taste for the mother to throw the shower as it would be perceived as soliciting gifts for her daughter. i actually agree with this theory. but give me an idea of what really goes on? did your mom just help with the planning and odds and ends? did she pay for the whole thing? did she offer to help in a small way? just want to get an idea here as my mom wants to do what's appropriate 'these days'

onnnnnnn another note - a little bit of a vent from me. Is anyone else here getting married on LI but originally from elsewhere? i.e. YOUR parents and family are the OOT guests. I feel awful - i blew up on poor mom last night. the level of my yelling was unwarranted when compared to the reason for it. that reason being every time we talk about anything we go back to my side coming from out of town. specifically what made me blow a gasket was hearing over and over again 'you need to start being considerate of our side of the family and the cost associated'
its frustrating - we've JUST booked the reception hall and the church...i'm not down to the nitty gritty of how who is getting where - but up front i've said that we are going to try and be as accommodating as we can. i really don't know what to do. the thing of it is - i'm CONSTANTLY thinking of out of towners. My MOH and brides maids are ALL out of towners. two are teachers and aren't swimming in the $$. so yes, i do think about it. but I hate that at every twist and turn i share 'wooo hooo we're at this stage! we've gotten XYZ done' and it goes back to the financial impact on guests. of course ALL decisions impact this - and i'm TOTALLY aware and conscious of it (i think anyway) but really - we've just booked the RH and the Church. anywho - its just hard to hear every time. mom and I are going to 'talk' tonight. i want to be respectful of her of course, but i really need her to understand where I am coming from. I can't take anymore of the 'the bride traditionally gets married in her home town' i know we're doing mom/daughter planning on the phone. but that would be the case weather i was getting married here, there, or kalamazoo. i've lived here for 11 years - thats why i wanted to do it here. my fiance's family is here - but even if they were in fiji i'd still want to do it here. its just easier for me. does that make me selfish? i mean this question honestly. Everyone else on the planet thinks i'm a pretty generous and thoughtful person...i'm not sure why my mom suddenly thinks i'm not. I'm just really hurting right now and don't know what to do or how to react to anything anymore.
HOLY LONG!!! sorry and thanks for reading!

Sorry to hear about your troubles

Regarding the bridal shower - my bp paid for the whole thing and the previous bridal parties I was in bp paid for the shower. None of the showers were elaborate but the bp needs to set the budget and see how they want to proceed. I know more and more these days the mom's are paying for it whatever works best for everyone.

sorry about the OOT situation and how its coming up a lot. that stinks---it can be tough when you have so many guests coming from far for the big day!

as far as the shower---i think these days a lot of times the mom of the bride kicks in a lot of money for the shower and the BP will try and do the rest or pay for decorations. simply because the BP is spending a lot as it is on the dress, shoes, hair, make up, bachelorette party, gifts, etc.

for my shower my mom paid for about 75% of it-- and my BP (just 2 girls) paid for the rest. which mostly for them was the decorations and wishing well and a small amount of the shower itself.

Our Daughter and her family are from Lancaster County, Pa. Her 'bunny', Fred, is from Long Island, originally, but lives in Lancaster Co. now.His parents, family and friends live in Long Island. Since Debi has always wanted a beach wedding,they decided to have it in LI. So, we, her family are kinda in the same boat as your family.
I have to say, prices in New York, are a bit more than we can afford; Debi has had three bridesmaids drop out because of the expense.
As her Mom, initially I said some of the same things as your Mom, but I have decided that
a. Debi should have what she wants, where she wants.
b. I need a vacation, and change of scenery anyway!
c. We love our Daughter, and want her happiness

Mary MOB

in my family and in all of the weddings i have been a part of the mother paid for the entire shower ( or the sister ) and the bridal party did not contribute at all

BUT - maybe this is different bc we are italian and our showers are 50-100 women and they are held in halls. . .

i have never had to contribute to a shower as a bridesmaid - but i do think that is a common tradition in some families

it all depends on what works for you and your party and your family!

My husband and I had family come from Florida,Puerto Rico, and Delaware. Even though some weren't able to make it...most did...this is something that you can't think about...you cannot accomodate everyone...

Regarding my bridal shower, since I had a very small bridal party....my maid of honor, 2nd mom, and mom paid for the party. So, I say to hell to tradition...and don't worry about it...your bridal shower will be taken care of...